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Title: I'm proud of my D2 Post by: zaqsert on June 22, 2013, 02:56:22 PM Just wanted to share something my D2 did today, I think as a way of dealing with my uBPDw's dysregulation. I've chatted with several of you here about my concerns for my daughter, growing up with a uBPD mom. Today was one of those days when I feel like she's getting it. :)
My wife has dysregulated daily for at least the past several days. It rarely escalates these days, huge thanks to what I've learned here. She tends to just disappear to watch TV in our room, probably as a way of self-soothing. Today our D2 did not fall asleep when we put her down for a nap. After a long time of hearing her play in bed, we got her up, and we all went grocery shopping. D2 was great at first but eventually got more cranky and started to do things she knows she shouldn't. My wife started to dysregulate. I gave our daughter a warning (because of her behavior, unrelated to my wife). My wife blamed me for our daughter's behavior (according to her, I let D2 get away with anything and I never discipline). I chose to ignore the comment and just asked "which cereal do you want?". D2 kept going, so I moved it from warning to consequence (no TV when we get home). About a minute later my wife escalated that to no TV tomorrow either. D2 got upset and whined all the way home. When we got home, D2 settled down really quickly. My wife and I started to put away the groceries. After the bags were empty (stuff on the counter while I rearranged the fridge), my wife disappeared to our room again. D2 hung around the kitchen with me. She didn't go play and didn't go see what mom was up to. She found things to play with in the kitchen and was curious as I put things away and then cleaned up what we had left out from lunch. This seemed to be her way of staying somewhere safe while mom was dysregulated. Then when I was almost done, she put her hands up and asked for a hug. She just wanted one. I got (and gave) her a big, long one that felt great. Good for her for asking! Then we played for a while. After a game of patty-cake, she got up and said she wanted to play patty-cake with mommy. I got up with her, and she ran into our room. Maybe she felt that enough time had passed and she could try to approach her mom again. I may be reading too much into these things. Perhaps it's just me projecting! Either way, it's days like this when I feel that maybe she will turn our alright after all. Title: Re: I'm proud of my D2 Post by: waverider on June 22, 2013, 05:54:37 PM Kids will adapt.
The real issue is that parents need to be consistent, and pwBPD are not and they are often angry and invalidating to kids at times which are not connected to the situation. This is what kids are incapable of not taking personally. Title: Re: I'm proud of my D2 Post by: Blazing Star on June 22, 2013, 10:07:22 PM Great! It sounds like D2 is doing well, as are you with her! It is pretty amazing (and sometimes scary) as to what kids will adapt to, and I know how good it can feel when the adapting is healthy!
I love that she asked for a hug, and after spending time with you she feeling secure again, and felt okay to reach out to her mum. Thanks for the positive progress report! Love Blazing Star Title: Re: I'm proud of my D2 Post by: zaqsert on June 23, 2013, 03:33:34 PM Kids will adapt. The real issue is that parents need to be consistent, and pwBPD are not and they are often angry and invalidating to kids at times which are not connected to the situation. This is what kids are incapable of not taking personally. True. And this I still worry about. Maybe in addition to starting to save for college I should also start to save for therapy for my daughter. Great! It sounds like D2 is doing well, as are you with her! It is pretty amazing (and sometimes scary) as to what kids will adapt to, and I know how good it can feel when the adapting is healthy! I love that she asked for a hug, and after spending time with you she feeling secure again, and felt okay to reach out to her mum. Thanks for the positive progress report! Love Blazing Star Thanks, Blazing Star! And a HUGE thanks to you for helping me get to where I am now with D2! For anyone who may be interested, several people on the Supporting a Son or Daughter Suffering from BPD board offered some great suggestions on what I might do to help prevent my daughter from developing BPD herself. I will expect some fleas, and I have no control over the "nature" part of it for her. But to the extent that I can set up a good "nurture" environment, I want to. Here is the link to the thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=202679.0 Title: Re: I'm proud of my D2 Post by: Blazing Star on June 23, 2013, 10:53:03 PM Thanks for posting that link, some great resources there! All pretty relevent to my situation too. I am reading "Parenting a child who has intense emotions" which is good, as my D4 is pretty intense.
It sounds like you are doing Great in doing all you can for a positive 'nurture' environment for her! |iiii She is lucky! Keep us updated. Love Blazing Star |