BPDFamily.com

Hello, everyone. I am in my thirties and have recently come to realize that my elderly mother probably has BPD. There hasn't been a formal diagnosis (and I doubt there ever will be), but I am recognizing long, sustained patterns of BPD behavior stretching back to my earliest memories. My T agrees that my mother's behavior is consistent with BPD. My mom leaves behind a history of destroyed relationships (with no claim of responsibility for any of them), has difficulty recognizing and regulating her own emotions, reacts in an extreme way to (and fixates on) perceived slights, fears the world as a dangerous place, and carries powerful feelings of being mistreated. I have been reading Understanding the Borderline Mother and I clearly recognize, in my mother, many characteristics of the waif and hermit.

She was a single parent and I am her only child (daughter). She has sisters and cousins from whom she is mostly estranged, so there really isn't any other family in the picture. I was placed in a parenting role from childhood on and expected to care for her physically and emotionally. Her demands for logistical and emotional support have only intensified in recent years. She fears abandonment and feels isolated and trapped. She has fiercely fought all of my attempts at separation and individuation, fearing the worst possible scenario (e.g., didn't want me to move into my own apartment after college because she was afraid there would be a fire and the fire trucks wouldn't be able to reach my window).

So the big complicating factor here is that she also has breast cancer that has metastatized to her lungs and spine, along with a cardiac condition, thyroid disease, and a host of other physical ailments. At five years since her initial cancer diagnosis, it seems that she is experiencing peripheral neuropathy and reduced lung function and having trouble walking, although she is still able to drive. She's in increasing discomfort related her illness, and understands her cancer to be terminal. That being said, looking before the cancer diagnosis, I am gradually coming to recognize a long history of her talking and focusing excessively on her physical ailments, magnifying their severity, and using them to manipulate me into doing things for her, spending time with her, and behaving according to her wishes. I have tried to establish and maintain appropriate boundaries but it is a constant struggle that leaves me feeling anxious and defeated, and I feel intense dread when I expect to see her for more than about 30 minutes.

My realization of the pain/anger/sadness I have experienced as a result of her BPD--and my process of trying to make sense of it--is coming at a time when her needs may very well be increasing due to the cancer, so making decisions about how much contact I will have and how much support I am able to provide continues to be hard for me. She has insisted that I check on her daily and told me that if I don't hear from her in the morning that I need to call and make sure she is OK. She implied that if she has a fall, her cats might get hungry and attack her. She has raged at me when I have let her know I will be traveling for even as little as two days. I love my mother and I don't want to abandon her, but it's just getting harder to make the day-to-day choices about what I can and can't do, particularly in light of her terminal illness.

It is getting a little better as I have learned more about S.E.T. statements (and gotten some practice using them) and gotten a clearer sense of when I need to walk away. The insights I am gaining from the Understanding the Borderline Mother are also helping. I have a good therapist and a very supportive partner. And I feel validated and less isolated by reading the personal accounts and comments here on bpdfamily.com. So I just wanted to say thanks to all of you and although I feel very overwhelmed, I am hopeful that things will improve.

I completely emphathize and live almost your every statement. My mother even had cancer a few years ago, but recovered. What are S.E.T. statements? I will dig more into the readings here. I previously recovered from an especially horrifying relationship with a BPD, and am currently coming to terms that I have been conditioned by my upbringing to endure bad behaviour. We know where our ridiculous tolerances stem from; where do we go from here?

This wrenches at me because the one who is biologically charged to care for us and love us is incapable of it. Where do we learn what a healthy family and a healthy relationship looks like? I fear lingering too long on these boards because of the "misery loves company" aspect and collaborating negativity may keep us from healing. But for now, thank you, peteywisconsin, and thank you, BPD family. I will learn from you as well. I'm not sure what I can give at the moment. Support. And a 'virtual hug' to you.

I am nearly 50 and still living with it... . just trying to get by... .

 *welcome* peteywisconsin,

It sounds like you are well on your way to understanding your situation and starting to cope with it--I'm very glad to hear that. You will find many more people here who will support and help you in dealing with your mother.

Boundaries are indeed tough to use. I personally reached a point where I was pretty good at using them, and it somehow felt easier to keep my resolve. Remembering that my own reality applies, not just the one that a disordered person is trying to use to break down my boundaries really helped. If you need to work more on them, this link is a great start:

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence (https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries)

When a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively everyone in the family system, including children, siblings, and in-laws. Senior members on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=7.0) board are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.

Hang in there... . and do stick around and keep on posting--it really does help us a great deal.

 GK

P.S. Asa, S.E.T. Is a communication tool we use with a pwBPD; read more about it here:

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth (https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict)

Just like Asa I can so identify with what Peteywisconsin describes.  An only child with a uBPD parent who has serious health issues and frequently falls out with other possible sources of support within the family sure has their work cut out.  My uBPD mother developed serious chronic health issues almost 30 years ago which sure provides an additional enmeshing, controlling tool - the daily checking phone calls, the expectation that you are always close at hand in case of an emergency.  I even developed a 'fear of flying' to ensure that I was never further away than a car journey which could be taken at any time of the day or night.  If that wasn't enabling I don't know what is!  It is only now that I have read Walking on Eggshells and joined this site that I realise how 'controlled' I have been.  I wonder if the BPD is fully aware of the control they are exerting or if it is just a natural part of their personality.  The most my mother has ever alluded to is the odd random comment 'I don't know why I think the way I do" - the very occasional times I have tried to probe further have not ended well!  Certainly as they get older and their health fails I think we will have to think carefully about the level of involvement that we are able to cope with.  I know in my situation any official assessments or involvement of other people will be most unwelcome but I think any sources of help have to be worth exploring.

Hi all,

Very interesting thread; your stories describe a lot of what happened with my mother & I.

She died last year, but the three years before that she was alone and many of the subtle manipulations over her failing health came into play. This is certainly a difficult situation -- and at the time I hadn't discovered this site and hadn't learned to make the BPD connections.

I'd like to contribute a sentence quoted from Lawson's "Understanding the Borderline Mother", which struck me hard when I first saw it; I wish I'd seen it while my mother was alive, I might have handled some things better. The sentence is:

“The Queen's children must allow her the right to self-destruct while exerting their right to protect themselves.”

The Queen of course is one of Lawson's four types -- Waif, Queen, Hermit, Witch -- but as Lawson says they're just metaphors to help us recognize what's going on; I suspect the sentence holds true for any BPD person, some of whom will have characteristics that cross the types.

What this statement said to me was twofold:

1. The big one was that if the BPD mother decides that she's going to self-detruct -- start to die, give up living -- for any reason, then she has the right to do this.

2. The second is directly related: if we need to refuse her requests in order to maintain our own sanity or health, we have the right to do so. And if she then starts to self-destruct (because we did this), we must allow her to do that.

It's same thing that any healthy law enforcement agency says to a blackmailer: sorry, we don't do blackmail. If the blackmailer then says, "Well, I'd rather be dead than not be able to blackmail you" -- what do we say?

According to Lawson, we say, "you have that choice" (not: "Oh dear you might die? Well of course you can blackmail me". 

It's a terrible choice to have. But it's the right thing to do; it breaks the pattern.

PP

Hi All

The Borderline Mother sounds worth reading.  It seems sort of the next step when we accept that we cannot make the uBPD happy or affect the way they feel about their world no matter what we do.  There is really no purpose to be served by letting them drag us down with them.  I have always been fairly confident that my mother's suicide threats were just threats as they always involves a means which she would have no access to.  Now she is assuring me that the slightest assertiveness on my part with result in her imminent death which I will have to live with etc ... . etc... . I just remain silent in response, well what can you say!

 

I think there has been an element of BPD running through several generations of my family - certainly aspects of it, the enmeshing, controlling. I have never known a family who were so wrapped up in and involved in one another's business. I want to draw a clear line under it and ensure that it goes no further so I have brought up my children very differently - fortunately I was able to use my husband's very different family type as a role model.

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I too am new here and I was raised by a single BPD mother . I thought is was a good thing that my mother was getting older . I thought she would realize that I was finally important and she needed me and would treat me with respect . Man was I soo wrong . She is getting worse . She forgets things she says and then calls me a liar . Boy this stuff is hard I wish I could tell you something that would work ! None of our decisions are easy . Just stay strong and remember she gave birth to you ! you did not give birth to her !

Xanderess I completely get what you are saying - certainly in my case my mother has got worse as she has got older.  The periods of relative calm between episodes/rages have gotten shorter.  When she is in a rage she says totally outrageous things... . I have been accused of scheming to take her house ... . then she would completely deny it and say sure she hates living there anyway.  I once felt so threatened by this accusation I was tempted to make some legal statement with my solicitor as some sort of protection.  In any case she is utterly convinced that 'it is my fault she is the way she is' but is unable to give a single example of how I have 'wronged' her.   I reckon it must all be part of the disorder.

As they age it is very difficult to know how much is selective memory and how much is due to age related memory problems.  She bitterly resents growing older and refuses to make any concessions to physical impairment.  I would be interested to hear if others find their uBPD/BPDs tend to accept or resent aging. 

Before I became aware of BPD, all these accusations and denials had me wondering if I was losing my mind - could I be imagining it.  I have read 'Walking on Eggshells' and am working my way through all the resources on this site.  I will soon be trying out S.E.T.  Here's hoping!

Your comment Xanderess, about not forgetting they gave birth to us instead of us to them is so apt.  It can be exhausting feeling like the mother in the relationship, and that goes way back to childhood when we instinctively knew to try hard to avoid upsetting her, sorted out our own problems etc.  She thinks she raised a model child!

In any case with this site it is reassuring to know we are not alone - especially relevant to those of us without siblings.

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