BPDFamily.com

Dear mums and Dads,

I have been away from the site for a while, actually on a dating site trying to distract myself from the real problems and boost my self esteem... . well that worked ... . ! so now I am back to the issue of unravelling the separation from my uBPDex partner, and how to help the children survive and cope with our breakup.

Dont get me wrong the issue of the children never went away nor did I stop doing my best to help them, but I came up against a brick wall, because my uBPDex has consistently ignored my requests for us to meet to talk about thie kids, because he is so angry at me for having "abandoned the family" ie him. I write emails and either he resoinds with insults or doesnt respond.

For those of you who dont know my story, I moved to this country from the UK to be with him. We have two kids D11 and S9. Since the children were born our relationship has been tempestous and his behaviour erratic. I knew there was a problem, but only put my finger on it last year, and am sure this is BPD. He does see a doctor and is on medication but this is not the right therapy at all and has not helped improve his moods, in fact I think they are worsening.

I moved out of the family house last year, because it would have been impossible to make him leave, his father had built that house.

For the last 8 months I live in a small flat in a residence nearby. I feel safe and secure here but it is expensive. I havent asked him for money but both my father and his father have contributed. If I mention money at all he says he hasnt got any.

During the school year the kids spent about 3 or 4 nights a week with him at the old house, on the days when he picked them up from school.

He has refused to fix any sort of schedule. The best I have achieved is on a Sunday he will tell me his shifts for the following week and what days he will pick up the kids. So my work and life is organized around that.

My questions... .

1. Is it considered "normal" for kids to live in one place and have visitation to the other? They have no real home now, they hVe their old house but soend an equal amount of time with me in this temporary accommodation. I am worried this is not very stable for them and is chaotic, they never know where their clothes or books are.

2. If it is normal, how do 50/50 schedules work in principle?

3. Although I would be in favour of 50/50 in the future, I just feel my ex is unstable himself, is unable to parent consistently, has anger and screams at the kids, stresses them, can be cruel. He recently made a Tshirt for our son, with a photo of our son on it and the words "love is a losing game" When I saw it I said but love is a winning game! My son realised straight away and took it off. How could you send a wRped message like that through a child?

So my gut feeling is that the kids should have a stable base with me... . and keep most of their stuff here and see there dad on fixed days. But then I need to get permanent accommodation sorted for that.

4. What about the summer holidays? He wants to take them on holiday to the beach for 2 weeks, a long way from home. They would get a ferry and drive 5 hours to get there. I am worried as I dont know exactly where they are going, and my ex wont talk to me. I am tempted tonsay they cant go, I need to lay down some rules, but will he take any notice. The kids are probably old enoough to cope, and to decide for themselves, but I can see that they are becoming his parents now... . and I am sad for them. When I see them with mynex theybtalk in baby voices as though they Re walking on egg shells like I used to.

Anyncomments or answers or suggestions greatly apprecialted!

Same here, having children is apparently one of the biggest triggers.


Though I'm not a professional and there is some research that indicates there can be physical differences in the brain, medications are not the solution for BPD and related PDs.  Yes, meds might help to moderate the behaviors, but the core issue is not a medical imbalance, it is a cognitive issue, one of unbalanced perceptions and distorted cognition.  Therapy is the key, long term therapy that is applied in the person's thinking, behaviors and life.


Family court can order a schedule.  Sadly, you're no authority to him.  That leaves family court as the only real authority.  Court will fix not only the parenting schedule but also the child support and spousal support, if any.

Beware:  The longer you delay getting ordered support and a firm parenting schedule from your court, the harder it will be to get a change from the way things have been recently.  For example, the court may reason that since you were slow to seek support and lived for a while without support, the judge may be less helpful in ordering reasonable support.  In family court, the sooner you get things fixed, the better.  Don't let exH create a new 'normal' post-separation simply because he is obstructive, temperamental and a whatever.

1. Is it considered "normal" for kids to live in one place and have visitation to the other? They have no real home now, they have their old house but pend an equal amount of time with me in this temporary accommodation. I am worried this is not very stable for them and is chaotic, they never know where their clothes or books are.

Yes, it is normal for them to travel between homes.  However, don't shortchange yourself.  Even if you live in a flat, that is YOUR HOME, at least for now.  Home is where you live, not the building.  Don't minimize the support, peace, stability and calm you are providing your children.

2. If it is normal, how do 50/50 schedules work in principle?

My court has a 'standard' guideline schedule.  Every example, for kids 0-2, 3-12 & 13-18, they all list one parent as primary and majority time.  Yes, many courts these days encourage both parents to cooperate and often that results in 50/50.  Doesn't mean it is right for the children when one parent is uncooperative and overbearing.  I recall my Custody Evaluator stating that a 2/2/5/5* schedule was best for younger children and didn't want 7/7 to happen until son was 10 years old.  My county has a new guideline schedule and it states that as children get older they need to set one home as their primary home base and it set that threshold at 13 years old.

My current schedule is 2/2/5/5... . Ex gets Mon & Tue overnight, I get Wed & Thu overnights and we alternate the weekends.  Even 1-2 exchanges per week becomes a hassle.

3. Although I would be in favour of 50/50 in the future, I just feel my ex is unstable himself, is unable to parent consistently, has anger and screams at the kids, stresses them, can be cruel. He recently made a Tshirt for our son, with a photo of our son on it and the words "love is a losing game" When I saw it I said but love is a winning game! My son realised straight away and took it off. How could you send a warped message like that through a child?

So my gut feeling is that the kids should have a stable base with me... . and keep most of their stuff here and see there dad on fixed days. But then I need to get permanent accommodation sorted for that.

Short answer:  Push for majority time.  Don't 'hope' ex behaves better in the future.  You simply can't count on that - or else you'd still be married and together.  Fact is, he's not getting better and thus you're apart.  Face the Facts.  Likely he just wants equal time since he figures that way he'll pay less support and meanwhile he can make you keep suffering with lousy situations.

4. What about the summer holidays? He wants to take them on holiday to the beach for 2 weeks, a long way from home. They would get a ferry and drive 5 hours to get there. I am worried as I don't know exactly where they are going, and my ex wont talk to me. I am tempted to say they cant go, I need to lay down some rules, but will he take any notice. The kids are probably old enough to cope, and to decide for themselves, but I can see that they are becoming his parents now... . and I am sad for them. When I see them with my ex they talk in baby voices as though they Re walking on egg shells like I used to.

One of the guidelines with most family courts is that a parent gives notice well in advance, at least 30 days notice.  Some list by 2/15 for spring break, 5/15 for summer break and 11/15 for winter break.  Also, many orders state the vacationing parent has to provide some sort of itinerary in advance, where they can be reached and methods to allow telephone contact.  Yes, you'll still worry about them while they're gone, but at least you'll have a framework of contact and locations.

Hmm, do you realize what would really help you?  You need a court order specifying those details.  Most of your issues above can be fixed with a good court order.  So go get one.  And quit abdicating your good parenting, stop settling for 50/50 and seek custodial responsibility and majority parenting time.  If this feels like a kind but solid kick to get you off your duff and be more assertive, so be it.  Sure, ex won't listen to you, that's a lost cause, so focus your attention on what help family court can provide to resolve at least some of your problems.

The children are well worth the effort.  You're worth the effort too! |iiii

Is there a reason why you have not filed for custody through the court system? It sounds like you are not married, so I'm guessing you aren't filing for divorce?

You should talk to a lawyer. They will give you a free consultation. I know that in my state, MN, the mother of children born out of wedlock has all the parental rights until the father goes to court. Some states are different. The lawyer can explain all of that to you.

There is no reason for you to think that the place you are currently living in is not stable or otherwise inadequate. Find out what your rights are and what it would take to get full custody from the lawyer. You most likely have a huge advantage just because you are the mother and it will be very hard for him to get custody away from you, especially if you can document any abuse or neglect of your children by him.