BPDFamily.com

Hi guys.

This was a rough day... . My dBPD gf recently started seeing a therapist. Today was her 3rd session, and I got the following text from my her. Here is what she said:

"My therapist said its not just my fault that you are no good for me because you push my buttons and there is no way it will work, and she [the therapist] has 30 years of experience. She said I'm not crazy and that I blame myself too much and that you have just as many issues as I do and that we smelled each other. Ppl are on same level of issues get together. And that when I'm down, it makes you go up and you thrive off it. Couple more sessions and you'll be gone from my mind period. You are not worth anything! And I'm sorry i wasted so much time on you!"

This made me so damn sad... . I had to fight off tears b/c I was in a public place.

Yes, I do have issues, I'm codependent, and yes, I admit I'm at fault too, I would sometimes explode at her several months ago, but never recently.

Recently we briefly got back together, and she got much worse with her paranoid thoughts about me. For instance she would tell me to not go anywhere without her. She didn't want me to leave the house when she was at work. I enforced some boundaries, and that made her upset, even suicidal, but I never pushed her buttons! It's not true!

And I don't thrive when she is down, every times I imagine her face flooded with tears I just want to hold her in my arms. I have a rescuing compulsion, it makes me feel like I have some worth when I help her (or anybody for that matter), and I NEVER want to see her down.

Those who have read my posts, I was never hateful towards her. I Love her to death. I enforced my boundaries, but I never tried to make her upset... .

What kind of a therapist would say things like that... . Why? What the hell? This made me so upset, I can't help but think that maybe I am a bad person after all, I dunno anymore, if a T w/ 30 yrs of experience said that, then maybe I'm worthless after all... . That's how I feel  :'( I'm sad... .

cksa,

Wow.  If I had gotten a text like that I would have very likely been on the floor looking to crawl under a table or something.  I can't imagine how hard that was to read.  I am sorry you are dealing with this.

I know my Ex had a strong proclivity for circular arguments that only served to reinforce her opinions and beliefs.  I believe it was one of the elements of her illness.  The classic BPD inability to accept responsibility for her own behavior and more important for her own emotions.

I am going to strongly question that her therapist really said anything close to what you got in the text.

BPD is a disorder of shame and blame and when a pwBPD can't accept the shame and blame anymore they dump it on the people closest to them.  In this case you.

You are worthwhile person.  You are here working on your own stuff and able to identify and own your  emotions.   That is all good stuff.   You are able to own emotions without blaming your EX for them or attempting to tear her down.  I am not an expert or anything cksa, but that sounds pretty healthy to me.  :)

If I had to guess the therapy session either was manipulated by your gf so she could hear what she wanted, i.e it's all someone else's fault,  or she listened selectively and heard what she wanted to reinforce her own distorted world view.

Sounds as if she is in full push mode.   Devaluing like mad to make herself more comfortable.  Don't buy into it. 

babyducks

cska,

I second that opinion. my ex would say the judge or the therapist said "a". When the complete opposite was the truth.

And even when showed written proof of the truth. It could be spun to "I never said that".

"They made it up".

Denial and distortions are status quo.

I only believe what I have in writing from someone else. Not the "percieved" truth coming from my ex.

Cksa

I can't imagine getting a text like that and I have gotten some pretty nasty ones from my ex BPD. I have gotten threats to expose my deepest fears and things that I only told her in confidence. Before you believe any part of that text first ask yourself what therapist talks like that?  "You smelled each other"  "a few more sessions and u will be out of her head."  Experienced therapists and qualified therapists don't speak like that. It is very possible your ex only heard bits and pieces and put together what they wanted to hear. And a big part of the illness is not taking responsibility for anything and they haven't. They have dumped it all on you. don't let them. It is good that u recognize your codependency. I am too and I am working with a therapist on it. Read the book codependent no more. It helped me a lot to recognize things that I needed to change in my life.

Also know you will be getting more texts. This isn't your fault. Your partner has a illness. The thought of losing you is enough to send her into a rage. It has nothing to do with you. It is the illness. My ex BPD left me and had a guy quit his job an  move in with her. While he is in the middle of the move she is texting me and telling me how much she loves me and want  me. And I am thinking how much I want he  back. And I sit here this morning wondering if she  told him she loves me not him. She was suppose to last night. So are you crazy?  No you are not. You are human an  the illness our BPD sometimes makes us think we are but we aren't. We are strong smart and giving people people with big hearts. Hang in there.

Her text reminds me of this youtube:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2-9QSf7ruM

She talks about her therapist in this skit.

Cska I'm so sorry you had to get a text like that.

Unfortunately many therapists and counselors do not have a firm grasp on what exactly BPD is and what manifestations are unique to the disease. Perhaps it's a lack of experience when it comes to BPD. I know for a fact many mannnnyyyyyyy BPD do not stick to therapy (I know my did not). They also blame the therapist for "not getting them" and "didn't care and wasted my time". You cannot feel down.

YOU do not know what she truly said, perhaps she painted you black or manipulated the convo to get that response. Or simply just blamed you like almost all BPD they project their own failures onto their partners. It's easier for them, they're more than full, they're spewing shame and guilt so they can't deal with it. My BPDex did that to me. She single handedly ruined our relationship did I get an I'm sorry? Lol no I got a 10 page letter saying how I'm basically a devil but she will always love me. Don't buy into that nonsense. She's essentially washing her hands clean of the pain she has caused you. It's childlike and by going to a therapist she's mitigating her actions. Lastly, she will not get better whatsoever if that therapist has that sort of mentality because she's enabling your exBPD. Don't take it to the heart it's not real it's BPD distortion and projection at its best. Remember they only take the blame when there's a plot or agenda. Best of luck

Cska,

Just wanted to share that, during my divorce with my abusive but not BPD exH, he was seeing a therapist whom he named as an expert in our divorce trial.   My lawyers interviewed her & I was there for the interview (as was my then H).  It was amazing, & I remember feeling utterly devastated by the version of me that this unscrupulous therapist was spewing forth without ever having met me.

My exH is probably NPD.  The therapist was all about how I was narcissistic because I wanted him to fail, only I could be important in the relationship, and so on.

Now, I can be faulted for my excessive caretaking in the r/s, but things were so appallingly distorted in the r/s that I used to feel like I was going to utterly cease to exist.  I remember sitting on the bed in tears saying over and over "I exist, I exist, I exist," because his needs -- for caretaking, for valuation, for esteem -- had taken over everything.

Hearing his therapist tell this utterly different story was gutting.

Looking back now of course it doesn't bother me a bit.  She only knew what he said, and his views were utterly distorted.  Sure, she should have had that awareness, but -- who cares, she was just an irresponsible therapist.

You've been involved with someone with an extremely distorted view of you.  That is the truth.  But the fact that she is able to persuade others of that view by very selective presentation of facts (if that IS even what the T said -- others are right that you can take that with a grain of salt) doesn't do anything to confirm her view.  You know who and how you are.  It's fine to be self-critical, but you don't need to worry that your partner's view of you is somehow accurate in any but a few strands and points here and there that you might be able to validate from a great distance at some point.

Oh, man... . seems like you and I are sharing a very similar experience. My exBPD girlfriend started therapy 9 months ago. I was the one who told her she was BPD and got her in therapy. After only a few months she used the therapy as en excuse to split me black and cut me out of her life. She told me: "You are NOT my therapist anymore! Now I have real therapy. I trust my therapy group they are my real friends."



Then a couple of months ago she made a brief recycling of me. It was absolutely horrible. In betweens the "I love you more than anything in the world blah blah blah" there was also sickening conversations like this one: "My therapist (he is a male), says that I need to let other guys into my life. He says I trust you way too much and that I need to let you go and spend time with other guys... . " (WHAT THE BEEP-BEEP?)

Yes, as you can imagine I have never had more sickening conversation. I too couldn´t believe how a therapist could say those words to her. I have always supported her yes, but I have never had any desire to be her therapist. In fact in the very very few and very brief periods we have had where there wasn´t any drama or crisis we could talk about a thousand other things than problems and disease. And these periods were the ones I chrished. All the other drama and crisis was just a chore for me. And I was hoping that the therapy would take it away and leave only the good times. How SICK is it that my exBPD uses the therapy - the very thing that should make it better between us - to punish me, twist reality and push me away/cut me out of her life?

It´s disgusting. Betrayal on a whole new level. Yuck.

I feel for you, man. I really do. But listen... . your story and my story just shows how UGLY BPD is... . even when you try to get them help and create a sound relationship they turn it against you. Mine got much worse with therapy. Worse than ever. Get her out of your system and never look back. She doesn´t deserve it. There are other women out there who are not evil like this. I´m trying to find one right now. It is the only way. Never BPD again. Make that a mantra.

Cska

Getting lash out texts really hurts - they can really throw your day off.

It's important to depersonalize and create distance from a lot of these if you can.

Read this again:
There's a lot of blame and anger in this.  The same level of issues comment is a hard one.  We all come to the table with our stuff.  I'm guessing you can work on what ever it is that got you into this relationship.  Make no bones about it tho - just because she's seeing a therapist doesn't mean shes working on hers.  And this text looks like she's trying to hang her portion on someone else.

Try not to get hung up on the words that were said - from the leaving lessons the 10th beliefs.  Sending and engaging these kinds of texts keeps the conflict going and essentially the relationship.  Bad attention is better than no attention so to speak.

Can you create some distance here?  Do you two text or talk still?

Hi cska,


No therapist would say that.  If you believe that her therapist said that then you are taking her word (your dBPDgf's) during a moment when she has devalued you and this is unwise.


She told you, perhaps not what her therapist said, but what she chose to hear.  Let me break down just the specifics of what she wrote and point out how they are inconsistent.

"She said I'm not crazy and that I blame myself too much"... .

ok.  I can see a therapist saying that to her.  Because people with BPD (pwBPD) devalue not just other people, but themselves as well.  One of the goals of therapy for pwBPD (as I understand it) is to learn to tolerate flaws in themselves and other people, by learning to temper their feelings.  Because for pwBPD, when they cannot handle the stigma of a diagnosis (which I wonder is where your dBPDgf is currently struggling), they dissociate from it (by projecting it).  She probably does blame herself too much, but it sounds like this is an instance when she is choosing to project that blame onto you.

... . "and that you have just as many issues as I do and that we smelled each other.  Ppl are on the same level of issues get together."

I think this is true too.  Nons and pwBPD both have serious but different issues... .  

Now this is probably about the only part of her text that I would consider a reasonable comment that her therapist *might* have made.

"My therapist said its not just my fault that you are no good for me because you push my buttons and there is no way it will work"... .

Is this realistic to you?  A therapist blaming *both* parties (*not just my fault*) for why a relationship ended?  I cannot see a therapist assigning any blame for why a relationship ends.  If anyone is choosing to assign "fault" it is your gf, and she is assigning it *only* to you in spite of writing "its not just my fault".

... . "And that when I'm down, it makes you go up and you thrive off it."

Now first of all, does this even make sense?  Who "goes up" and "thrive{s}" when their partner is down?  You know who this sounds like to me?  It sounds like pwBPD.  When they *project* their unacceptable feelings and behaviors, they often trigger those emotions in us.  For example, they are angry, but *project* that anger in us.  And then they *provoke* anger in us and are gleeful when they see us be angry.  Their delusion is that we have the anger issue and not them.  In this example, the pwBPD is "up" and "thrives" off of seeing us "down."

This sounds like this is an example of projection.  Where she might be projecting something about her, that perhaps her therapist pointed out to her, onto you.

... . "Couple more sessions and you'll be gone from my mind period."

Non-disordered people can't suddenly erase their attachments (as our posts here are daily proof).  PwBPD on the other hand, can and do.  And she tells you this, why?  To be hurtful.  Her telling you this is more or less an act of abandonment.  Once she cared deeply for you, but now she is telling you that you will "be gone from [her] mind period", an act of abandonment.

... . "You are not worth anything!" Devaluation

... . "And I'm sorry i wasted so much time on you!"  More devaluation; i.e., time with you was a "waste."

So in this entire text message, *WHO* is "thriving" and being "up" while putting someone (i.e., you) "down"?

You should be a dear, and forward this text to her therapist.


Don't be upset about the part that doesn't even apply to you.  These are her distorted perceptions.  You are only being used as an emotional scapegoat.  She is doing all the things that she is projecting onto you... .  *AND* (I find this to be another give-away with respect to disordered BPD behavior) she is HIDING behind the "opinion" of a third party (i.e., triangulation (read definition) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0)).  

Don't believe for a second that her therapist would subscribe to anything she has written about you.

Best wishes, Schwing

Thank you all for the overwhelming support! I really needed it. I was hurt on a whole new level. You all made me feel so much better when I was down in the dumps.

I'm so used to her insults and devaluing that they don't affect me anymore. (This is quite sad, but true.) But I was not prepared for this type of comment on her part. I was actually surprised that her text hurt me so deep. I thought I've built up immunity to her insults, but this hurt me on a whole new level.

Iamdevastated, you're absolutely correct. I looked to therapy as the only was for me to be able to be with her, and I was absolutely devastated that she used therapy as a weapon against me. You're right, it was a new level of betrayal.


Thank you so much for sharing this. You're right, I was not prepared that she was use the only hope that we would work out as a weapon against me. I got the text in the morning, and all day I had to clench my fists to keep me from breaking down... .

Schwing, thank you so much for breaking down the text and walking me through it.


Yes, I absolutely agree! I definitely believe that nons and pwBPD both have serious but different issues. Also, I know that it takes 2 people to have a relationship, and I certainty wouldn't claim that it was all her fault. I could have handled some situations better. I could have been more supportive at times, and at other times I could have been more firm, and enforced my boundaries more firmly so as not to enable her.

But I definitely don't try to "push her buttons" and I sure as hell don't feel "up" when she is down. Thanks for reminding me of that because its very easy for me to buy into her guilt trips and start feeling like everything is my fault and that I'm a jerk. And especially when she claimed that her therapist said that, in my mind that gave her words more credibility, and I started to feel like its all my fault. That's part of the reason why her text made me feel horrible. Not only was I hurt that she used therapy against me, but I started to feel shame (I got trapped in the F.O.G.)

Thank you for your help, it made me see things clearer.

Again, thank you all for your empathy and support. I really needed it bc I wouldn't have been able to handle the situation on my own. I was not ready for this type of insult. Thank you all! God bless