BPDFamily.com

So several weeks ago, I posted about how despite my ex filing false allegation charges, calling my T and raging at him, demanding I never contact her again etc... . I have remained NC, aside from last month when I sent her a message to say I had sent the money for child support. It was a very basic e-mail, no pleasantries, no discussions, just 1 line to state the money was available to be picked up and the code to retrieve it.

So since demanding I never contact her, she has attempted contact every single week so far and twice last week. Firstly via game requests, then through mutual friends before finally e-mailing herself. The e-mails have all been very mixed, in terms of blaming, projecting but then throwing in please and thank you to the mix. The last one accusing me of being disrespectful for not responding to her e-mails  :)

I have to admit, when I first started getting requests through, my heart would jump because I saw it that she was still trying to reach out to me. The more I learned on this site, that excitement led to apprehension because she always seemed to reach out on the weekend. I found myself desperately waiting for the weekend to come to see what she would send next but then reached a stage of worrying about what was coming next on the weekend. So I figured that since I received 2 messages last week, it was a mini extinction burst and went through this weekend without hearing anything from her, or so I thought.

She didn't e-mail me directly this weekend but what I did get today was a message on linked in which read:

"I sent a few e-mails last week to your hotmail account and again this weekend to your work account. Kindly respond ASAP"

With that, I'm now past the fear phase and into the What the heck? This is insanity phase. For someone who demanded I never contact her again, even called the police to tell them she thought I was stalking her from several thousand miles away, because she could feel me watching her all I have had is requests asking me to contact her. I really do see the funny side in this now because it just screams insanity.

I never understood how my T could see the NPD in her, I thought I knew her better than he did because he only had 3 single sessions and 3 joint sessions with her before he called it quits with her. Now I see how right he was about everything and so thankful to have had him come in to my life. I even find that amusing because he was initially my exBPDw's T and she was the one who told me I needed to see him. She had tried to convince him I was the issue but he didn't buy in to that, mainly because she took no responsibility for her part in anything. He warned me she would be in touch, despite her rage on him but he predicted about 6 months. I guess the guy she thought she had hooked when she ended our marriage wasn't really that interested.

Oh the joys of a BPD relationship, I guess the only thing left is for her to fly over here and see me in person since she has exhausted every possible way to contact me. Maybe that's why she asked for an address "to send me some things she thought I might need"

That would scare me a lot... .

Good for you holding your NC!

i am still wondering how do they have such a strong hold on so many of us. we are intelligent people. we know something ain't right. we know what has to be done. yet so many us cannot go cold turkey on them and never contact. maybe has something to do with the length of the relationship. my ex... . if I can call her my ex because she behaves like my gf except when she wants to be "single"... . is high functioning but at 29 I feel her getting worse. It is like she is living the life of a 19 year old. I do feel bad for her because I am her only support. Or is it my own ego... . because if I completely go no contact, she might eventually find another victim. She had broken up for 4.5 years and didn't find anyone else though. Hmmm. I just went through a heaven and hell weekend with her. Sadly laughing about the insanity like you are.

Elessar, what you said is very true, there is such a strong hold and for many of us, the draw in is because we feel we are their only support. When I went over things with my T, he guided me to see her for what she really is and what I was actually looking at was an 8 year old child in an adult body. It was the need to care for that child that kept me longer than it should have. In my case, she has 2 parents she still lives with at 32, when she is sick (which seems to be almost all of the time) her aunt is also called in to take care of her. So for an adult with a bad back, there were 4 adults running around to take care of her and she was still angry that people weren't doing enough. When I'm sick, I take a couple of tablets and I get on with things because the world doesn't stop and I'm big enough and old enough to take care of myself.

The insanity I now see is when she would get upset and break down because she felt "alone" despite a house full of people. I couldn't understand why she felt that way because it didn't make sense. I see it clearly now. It was a house of emotionally unavailable people and the reason they were emotionally unavailable is because everybody was busy running around to her excessive list of demands and too exhausted at the end of the day to entertain the drama.

My T has been the best thing to happen out of all of that. After getting me to see the child that needed saving, we then worked on how if she was that helpless, she was able to write a book and get published, start her own business and a whole host of other things. She showed me what she wanted me to see and that's where the push pull came from. When I saw her as an adult I would relax and back off but she didn't like that so out came the child to pull me back in.

It's the same dynamic going on with the e-mails. I'm useless, she hates me, I'm disrespectful for not answering her despite knowing she already knows the answers to those questions. That's the adult speaking. The please talk to me, I want you to connect with me, I feel abandoned, lost and lonely is the child desperately reaching out to be saved. My mistake in the past was ignoring the adult and rushing in to save the child. Where I went wrong in the relationship was not being able to keep up with the constant changing going on. She would switch between the 2 rapidly which is something I can't do. What ended up happening was I would then be faced with treating the child as an adult and facing the rage from that or treating the adult as a child and facing the rage from that. It will always be a lose/lose situation because the balance was never there.

Wow I can relate to this so much -- my exgf would also change her voice when she was in her child mode -- she would talk in this ultra vulnerable voice that made me want to run to her rescue -- I never thought she was manipulative until I started noticing she would use it whenever I was pulling away

Ambassador, with a couple of minor changes you wrote what I had been thinking about since Saturday evening. Even the part of living at home (at age 29)... . although in her culture, especially her own family, leaving home means abandoning parents. Her parents will not approve it it. I am not sure how much of it is true and how much is her fear of being alone. yes in her culture an unmarried woman shouldn't live out of parents' home. but everyone does, her aunt did... . to study out of town etc. I have so much to write and reply to what you said. Will do soon when I get some time. Right now I am dealing with a child where she is upset that I am acting distant and cold (because she uninvited me to her birthday party after inviting me for 3-4 weeks... . i drove 380 miles home and changed the date of my own birthday party for hers... . and then she asked me not to come). so i am acting cold and since saturday late night, since her party ended, she has been acting like the sweetest angel on earth and wondering why am i angry. she only uninvited me so that i wouldn't feel ignored (in a group of 5). i know the true reason. but yeah, yesterday and this morning she is all sweet like a little girl.

Sorry Murbay, I have been so stressed out that I called you "Ambassador" instead of Murbay. Just realized that... . brain's been out of whack for last few days.

Like clockwork, my exBPDw is so predictable you can almost set your watch by her.

Well it's the weekend, it's a new week AND as predicted the e-mail dropped into my inbox this morning from her. Just like all the others, it's asking me to kindly send her a response, though this time with less anger and more neutral. This mornings e-mail was about sending me "evidence" that she had paid the phone bill. Which as I have mentioned on a previous post, was not hers to pay and wasn't due till this week anyway. She took it upon herself to do a couple of weeks ago that and then broadcast it back to me demanding I pay her for it immediately.

I have gone through excitement of her e-mails coming, to fear, to finding it a joke and this morning I actually felt sad for her. Sad, because she is trying to cling on in the hope that I throw her some kind of crumb to soothe her with. That does make me feel quite angry though, because I think back to all the times in the relationship where I hung on desperately for just a glimpse of the good times instead of the abuse.

I'm in a good place right now in myself and have my amazing friends around me. I don't need any more of her drama and that's why I feel sad for her right now. She single handedly put an end to our marriage for her own selfish needs while trying to chase 3 other guys. I guess she didn't think that one through properly because it wasn't just my life she took apart, she took apart the children's lives too.

Still, I'm looking forward to her next installment next week  |iiii

Very proud of you!  It has been very hard for me to go NC. My ex left me May 31st for her ex from 10yrs ago (a long distance relationship). We live one town apart so I am expecting after awhile to hear from her.

I was very clingy and conditioned towards the end. She dumped me 4-5 times in a 11mo period (our anniversary is the end of next month... . well it would have been).

She has showed up at my gym (after saying she wouldn't) so I switched gyms. We are not FB friends but I notice everytime I change my picture or don't show up for our spin class she makes her wall "public" and gushes over her new GF.

I know I shouldn't look but it is actually proving to me something I have not been able to get closure on... . she is either BPD or definitely maturity stunted.

You are at such a good place and somewhere I aspire to be. My ex went from telling me she was "in love with me but wanted to see if it would work with her old partner" to telling me two days later I was stalking her, she never wanted anything to do with me again and would get a restraining order.

I am sure the silence is killing her.  I don't like being happy about that because she is obviously very sick but I am proud I am not getting in her face or reacting to her moves. She is used to that and has recycled ALL her exes. I thought that was a lesbian thing (hey I am new to this) but I am quickly learning this is beyond that and way beyond "lesbian drama"!