BPDFamily.com

I had some very interesting and useful advice given to me by my BPDh over the weekend.  When he is in his "normal" state, he can very clearly see his issues and he offered me this advice on how to talk to him and tell him things.

Backstory... . I have been wanting to get new mini blinds for our bedroom window.  H REALLY hates going shopping and has been putting it off for a couple of weeks now.  So, I thought that I would "bribe" him into going by saying

Me:  "Today do you want to go get some lunch and then after maybe we can go to Home Depot and look for the blinds?"

Him:  (Joking because he is normal right how) "So you're trying to trick me, huh?

Me:  "Well, yes. haha"

Him:  "Now see, you have it completely turned around.  You should have asked me if I wanted to go get the blinds FIRST and then asked me about lunch.  That way, the conversation would have ended on a POSITIVE note and I would be left in a good mood thinking about lunch.  You left me with not a good feeling because the last thing I heard was getting the blinds."

I never really thought about it, but I guess that is how their minds work, at least my H's mind.  He does tend to only hear the LAST thing that was said... . kind of like living in the moment, I guess. 

I thought this might be useful advice to everyone else here. I am so glad that he told me about this because I will definitely try to use this technique.  I need to be aware of how my statements END instead of how they begin.

Very interesting!  I think there is some truth to that! 

I agree to some level but that he/they can reason it out to that level still leads me to believe they are in alot more control of it all... . the operative word here being CONTROL... .

That's an interesting thought.  Because for my H, a lot of times, when you start on something negative (or perceived negative), he will just dwell on that and won't hear anything that comes next.

Also, it really depends on their mood.  When they're in a good mood you can get away with a lot more negativitiy.  When they're in a bad mood you can do the most positive thing and they'll hate you for it. 

So I guess our pwBPDs themselves are the biggest variation to the outcome of any conversation, in the end.

BINGO!  There's just no telling~~ever!  I'd always found predictability a bit boring, but the unpredictable nature of BPD is... . just unpredictable! 

This is ineteresting insight from your dh maryy16.

In my case with past interactions with udBPDexh, if a conversation began with what he percieved was a negative he would just dysregulate and not have stuck around to hear it end on a postive note. It was the same with texts

It is worth bearing this in mind though. Thanks!

Good advice indeed  |iiii

That also happens to be an important rule of business communication - start good, say what is the worst in the middle, end on something good :)