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Does anyone else write letters to their BPDex when they need to sort some things out, but with the intention of never ever sending them?  Just to get those thoughts out and feel like you're expressing it to them, even though they'll never see it (and it's not like they'd absorb any of it if they did).  This is my most recent letter to my ex, after a couple volatile weeks of trying to make our friendship work:

This won't ever work.  Not as a relationship and not as a friendship.  Not soon and not some distant day when we reconnect.  This can't work because you're not working on the root of any of these problems.  You lie compulsively, to the detriment of your own well-being, and even when given every opportunity to be honest.  You don't learn from your mistakes.  You beat yourself up over them, hate yourself a little more every day, and then go out and do the same s*** that you hate yourself for over and over again. 

Your drug addiction is a symptom of a serious mental illness.  The way you lie and steal and use people even more so.  I truly believe you're Borderline, and that the drug use brought out and then worsened your disorder.  I really hope you get help and get well, but I've researched the heck out of this and someone with Borderline Personality Disorder doesn't just get better.  They need intense therapy, along with a desire to change.  I don't sense that desire in you.  I sense your self-loathing and it's clear that you'd rather be someone else, but I've never seen you lift a finger to make a change.

When it comes down to it, I don't want to spend my life with the sort of person who would go over a year without a job while letting me support her, and then start a fight or shut down the few times I gently mentioned that I needed her to start chipping in.  You're a user.  I know you don't like to see yourself that way and you like to refuse help when it's offered, but that's just a front.  You take everything you can from people, just so long as they're not looking.  You act like you don't want anything handed to you, but you take and take and take. 

You told me you paid your own way 95% of the time you were with (her ex), but you got arrested and lost your job in June of 2010.  When I met you in January of 2012 you told me you'd only been at your job for a few months, and that your last job before that was in the ER.  I know you maxed out your credit cards bailing yourself out of jail because you told me that yourself.  That makes a year and half where you had no income and no credit cards.  If (her ex) wasn't paying your rent and bills that whole time then your mom clearly was.  Just like she gave you money the whole time you were staying with me rent-free, while you were bad-mouthing her saying she used your credit cards and spent money irresponsibly.  The person giving you money constantly, for no reason except you wouldn't go earn any on your own, and you talked s*** about her and disrespected her by lying and blaming your financial woes on her. 

I don't want to be a part of this anymore.  I tried to talk to you about something real... . About how your cheating on and lying to (current boyfriend) made me feel like you hadn't learned anything or changed at all.  I know it wasn't a fun thing to hear, but your refusal to talk about it at all was all the proof I needed that you are exactly who I knew you were when I left.  You're sick, and because of that sickness you're a toxic person to be around.  You suck people dry and leave them confused and angry and in loads of pain, all because you can't man-up and have a real grown-up conversation. 

I don't wish you any ill will, but I'm done with you.  I'm done being scared you're going to steal from me every time I leave you alone in my house.  I'm done caring what sort of lies you tell people to avoid the shame of the reasons behind our break-up.  I'm done pretending to believe you when you tell me I'm the most important thing in the world to you and you love me completely.  If that were true then you would be willing to have those difficult grown-up conversations.  You still love your comfort zone more than you ever loved me, so you'll stay in it and fester in it and just keep rotting away inside.

It's sad, really.  There's a bright, intelligent, funny, witty, empathetic, warm human being hiding under that shell of shame and self-loathing.  I hope you find a professional who can help you get her out.  Someone who can help you figure out why you lie so much and figure out how to make it stop.  I hope someday I hear that you're happy and settled down and have gotten the help you need.  I don't desire revenge, because I know you didn't do any of this to hurt me.  Sometimes it really felt like you were trying to hurt me, but I think that was just the only way you knew how to react to being loved and accepted, and yes, sometimes challenged and argued with.  BPD is an attachment disorder swimming in deep shame and deception.  I can see you under the protective barrier your sickness puts up, and that's who I fell in love with.  I'm going to try and remember her, instead of what you turned into when the lies and the shame became the focal point of our relationship. 

Hi causticdork

Yes, thats what we recommend here, writing good_by-letters and not send it!  |iiii

How do you feel now?

 |iiii  Good job!

I don't do this as much as I should do... . after I read it I am wayy to attempted to share it.     

Hey Caustic!

Writing a letter is a great way to put your feelings "out there" as is writing in a journal. We know, from our own experiences, and that of others, that sending letters rarely yields the response we hope for, and it's better that we don't send them to our pwBPD! "Write" on, and feel better!

Best Wishes,

Val78

Writing it helped, but I think it's been most beneficial as a gentle reminder to myself when I start to miss having her around.  I've never faltered on my decision to break-up, but the idea of not having her in my life at all has always killed me inside.  She was the closest person to me for a long time, and I guess I always thought we'd stay friends.  I know it's silly to stay friends with someone who treats you with such disrespect, but it's still hard to let go completely. 

Hey Caustic!

Of course it's hard to completely let go, we all get that! Kudos to you for realizing and accepting what you must do to move on and to heal!

What else are you doing to take care of yourself?

What have you done to replace the presence of the person whom you say was closest to you? Not necessarily another relationship, I mean have you opened up more to friends and family or a T to help you through this and to whom you can feel close? It really helps to open up and share your feelings!

Best Wishes,

Val78

I have a really close, wonderful circle of friends.  I'm also really close with my family.  I think it's just weird for me to cut off from someone who has made it into that close circle, because everyone in it has been there a long time and pretty much has a lifetime membership.  I'm not missing being her girlfriend at all.  It was, of course, fantastic in the beginning, but the last few months were horrible enough that being free from it has made me feel much happier and more fulfilled. 

I think at this point it's just a connection I haven't been able to break. Is that normal?  I'm not talking about the romantic part at all.  Ending the relationship was so much easier than trying to let the friendship die down has been. 

Hey Caustic!

I do think it is quite normal to have difficulty letting a friendship that was meaningful to you, go.  It's sad, and something we have to decide on in a case by case basis, and may even change our minds about over time.

I'm glad you have a good support system. One thing to think about though. Those who have made it to your innner circle, I venture to guess, are there because they earned the privledge, over time, because you love and trust them.

From what you describe about the 2 sides of your ex, can you honestly say that she has earned the privilege? I'm sure you thought she had, however, now that you know what you know, would you want her in your inner circle?

Best Wishes,

Val78

I think writing a letter is a great way to let things out and remind us the reasons why going forward is for the best. I wrote a list of all the things she did that hurt me and others to look at when I start thinking about her. And it enstills what my friends and family say, "you deserve better."