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I want:

To not have images of her flash into my mind everyday

To not have her infiltrate my dreams (in my dreams we are happy and in love)

To not doubt that this wasn't my fault

To KNOW that this was the right outcome

To feel less broken

To one day fall in love again

To not analyse every little thing

To not wake up feeling sick and anxious every day

To feel indifferent about her

To stop feeling disloyal if I stop loving her

But most of all, I just want inner peace... .

So these are the things I want.

I'll let you know if I achieve any of them.

What do you guys want?

I would like

To be a happy, flirtacous woman again  lol

To be free from this panic disorder

To laugh and giggle again

Free from wondering about HIM all the time

To feel like it wasnt all my fault

To fall in love again

To get my mojo back again :)

To not feel jealous of his other lovers

To pass my first module of study

And most of all, I want rest, peace and to be content

dancing/mango... . "you have always had the power to go home"   Hopefully your not too young to know/remember this from the original "Wizard of Oz".  All of your wishes you both have stated NO ONE can take from you! Living in OZ for whatever period of time can distort the power that is within you both! 

I know detaching is not easy... . it wasn't till clearmind told me more than several times to look within.  Until i did this and got to really know who I am was I able to begin the detaching process.  I've always had the power to go HOME!  Home is that flirtatious beautiful woman, who's childlike giggle will quell any panic disorder!  Mango... . your inner peace will come when you focus your attention on YOU.  Do you like to work out... . go the gym... . nothing like endorphins.  I worked out sometimes twice a day.  Do you like music... . I like mine loud!  It is NEVER your fault for loving someone!  It does suck when its not reciprocated!  The risk will always be there to fall in love... . there are no assurances you will get it back in return... . but trust me... . the reward when it does far exceeds any risk you will take again.  I had it for 32 years... . I want it again and am ready and willing to take that risk.  Your life is a gift... . to be shared with that right person if you choose... . don't waste another minute on someone that cannot ever experience the true meaning of intimacy... .

Hi Flydavy 

I always spell that word incorrectly "flirtatious"  :)

Your post comes across very poetic and full of hope for a better future 

Must remember to turn up the volume, kick the old heels lol

Hi Mango!

Your words echo the desires of most of us I would venture to say, and with time and effort, you will have all of that! You have to make healing a daily part of your life just like brushing your teeth every day. Seek out new experiences and people, establish a routine, and I assure you, you will get where you want to be. I'm not quite there yet myself either friend, but I'll be darned if I'm going to allow this snapshot in the my album of life to keep me from having what I want! Saying prayers and affirmations every day help me a lot, and are part of my daily routine. Here's something I use to keep me centered on what I want:

I will be good and honest

I will be sincere

I will hold onto my truth

I will aim to love and be loved

I will add to everyone's life, not just my own

I will do no harm

I renounce violence

I will revere the things I believe in the most

Best Wishes,

Val78

me too, Mango... .

I feel the same Mango... .

I JUST WANT TO BREAK FREE FROM THIS PAIN, ANGER, DEPRESSION and NEGATIVITY!

Me too Mango.    God it's hard isn't it.   

I just want... .

to be happy

this pit to go away in my stomach

to be able to eat again

to smile again

to enjoy my life again

to not think about her

I just want her to go away!

When does she go away?

I want to:

-Stop Obsessing about what she is doing (with or without her new love)

-Find the value in myself I somehow lost in this "relationship"

-Fall in love with someone who reciprocates it and we grow together 

-Reclaim my hapiness

It has been less than a month since my breakup and I just miss being happy. I have such supportive people around me but no one gets what it's like having loved someone with BPD.

the main thing I want is to FORGET. mind wipe!

Then, I could live as if he'd never come and poured his acid into my heart.


I know that time heals. In 10 years we will feel very different. We'll be old :D and possibly not happy but we'll be unhappy for different reasons. Maybe we will even think of them  now and then and wonder 'why the HELL did I ever give that wanker so much of my time and energy?'

:D

And I would like for just one second my BPD to experience every ounce of pain she has made me experiece.  I think in that second it would be too much for her to handle and her head would explode.  I would like for her to feel the hell she has put me through and continues to put me through as I recover from her.

"Inner Peace" That's all I want in a nutshell  |iiii

I want to stop thinking about him (I often tell myself, this is my space, go away and it works :D)

I do not want to see him again.

I want to be kind to myself and able to love myself as I did before I met my ex.

I want to enjoy simple things in life.

I do not want to be angry.

I want to be compassionate and humble.

I want to love and care for people who can appreciate it.

I want to be enthusiastic about life and hang around people, like before.

I want to care for myself, protect myself with boundaries and learn from this experience. (very important)

This is a great thread Mango. I say Amen! 

I don't want to be angry anymore.

willtimeheal... . I wanted to address two of your comments.  First and foremost... . you have control of HOW you feel... . feeling angry is part of the process but don't let it turn into an obsession or it will mentally and physically take its toll.  Find a release for this destructive emotion.  I found solace in working out hard, playing my guitar, listening to my favorite music loud, being around positive people.

Second... . Your comment... . And I would like for just one second my BPD to experience every ounce of pain she has made me experiece.

This excerpt is taken from my short story I wrote about my BPD/NPD toxic ordeal... . do you think this person I describe is in some terrible pain herself... . albeit different but pain non the less.


WHO SHE REALLY IS and the types of behavior she exhibited and perhaps why she is what she is:

•   May have had inappropriate contact at young age with male family member….she actually divulged this to me early on but wouldn’t say who because she said….”she did not want me to hate this person”.  This too may have been one of her lies to get me to be her “the knight in shining armor” to come to her rescue and feel so sorry for the victim.

•   In a sexual relationship with an 18 year old boy/man when she was 13 and stayed with him all through high school…making him 22 when she graduated…true.

•   When family went on vacation , she stayed home and was with her sister’s boyfriend the whole week…she actually told her sister that when they returned from vacation…more than likely was sexual.  She was 19…sister 18.

•   Married early to an abusive alcoholic for a short time

•   Married again because she was pregnant.  Stayed with him 10 years because he had $.  As soon as his business fell apart she divorced him, 4 kids unfortunately for them, later

•   Began quite a promiscuous (sorry…just a lot of different guys) lifestyle after her divorce and then met a guy in her development and actually got engaged to him and then called it off for what reason no one really knows

•   Moved by her sister and started dating her now boyfriend (8 years now)

•   Would still see her first ex husband…even go on vacation with him.

•   Tried on line dating and getting fixed up by friends and seeing guys who are reps from work on occasion while she is in a so called committed relationship with her current boyfriend.

•   All the time keeping her personal life very private from her family and probably only one real friend…who let’s just say has the same moral fabric

•   She has fling with guy she met in a home improvement big box store because he is a “snappy dresser”…her words.  Cops/bounty hunters come to her house because he is wanted for identity fraud and goes to jail.  She may still see him/talk on occasion.  He was a married man.

•   Went out with a much older man who lost his wife …almost got married till the children intervened and stopped it.  I hear he was probably 15 years older maybe more.  He had a lot of money….see a pattern.  Her current 8 year boyfriend has a lot of money.

•   She meets me while committed to her current boyfriend

•   Accepts my marriage proposal

•   Accepts her current boyfriends proposal for marriage 2 weeks after accepting mine and dumps me…it was done very “coldly”

•   Starts seeing me for sex 2 months later while engaged – unbeknownst to me!

•   We start seeing each other regularly (4-5 times a week…mainly sexual) while she is engaged

•   I ask her to marry me again after seeing her for 8 months again…she says yes…again.  Still not sure if she is still engaged to the other guy

•   We come home one day and find a big penis drawn on her car and stuff thrown off of the deck and broken…could it be her disgruntled boyfriend who sees me there at her house everyday.

•   I start full investigation because something comes over me (compelled to do so)

•   When I find out the whole story, I call off wedding 1 month before

•   She is outraged, will not leave, becomes physically and verbally abusive

•   Finally leaves the next day

•   She is back with her current boyfriend but still rendezvous with me for sex on a routine basis

•   Her boyfriend find out one night and shows up at my house…I have to call the police because they would not leave my front yard

•   She still sees me for sex in hotels etc. while she got back with her current boyfriend again…God knows what she told him to make that happen?

•   She continues to text/call (and me too so I am no angel I guess)until I finally say enough is enough on April 24, 2013….Know why…she is in Florida text flirting with me…I meet her at airport to surprise her when she gets in ….guess who also is there.  I do not confront…but it is affirmation just how sick she really is…they were holding hands/smiling/ like an engaged couple should I guess!  When she knew I saw her with her boyfriend she actually said…”you should have seen my face when I saw him there…guess what…I did…and she looked pretty damn happy walking to the baggage claim swinging hands held like two 16 years olds. Oh My God!... . did I look that ridiculous when I was with her doing the same thing….Ahhhhhhh!

•   Just sold her house…I painted it and spent a lot of $s on rugs, the listing on line, her first husband did landscaping for her at this house and her current boyfriend put in driveway and double decker deck…that’s just all I know about.  God knows how many other guys money is tied up in that house!

I believe she has been trying to stop the pain since she was thirteen... . she has 4 children that each one is very disturbed and disordered... . one alcoholic... . one bi-polar... . one is a recluse... . one OCD... . they had no choice either after witnessing their mothers lifestyle!

It will get Better!