BPDFamily.com

Last Sunday after my estranged wife came to pick the kids up from me, I realized that the only reason that I would put our marriage back together would be for our children--I can see that our son so  very much wants this.  But I also realized that she is not the same person I married anymore.  That person is actually dead now.  It's as if my once loving wife has disappeared to another dimension and some other thing that looks like her has taken her place.   

Even still, my thoughts plague me with memories of the times when she was a sweet and caring mother (though unstable around stress), rather than the always unstable and very vindictive person that she is now.  I saw, for example, a firefly yesterday and it triggered a range of emotions stemming from the memory that I have from last summer of her sitting outside, her hair blowing in the summer breeze, while our son and I caught fireflies in a jar.  She was serene and beautiful that summer day, and these thoughts are what haunt me. 

My subconscious mind loops through all of the what ifs late at night, and in my dreams everything is okay again and the good parts of our relationship are vivid.  I know that who she is now is, essentially, who she has been, but the good memories make it so painful to be trudging through what has become a very lonely summer with a stack of no win situations to fight back against.  I want to save her from the very broken and unhappy person she seems to be becoming, and more importantly, I want to save my children from the chaos and myself from the chronic feeling of emptiness.  And even though I have begun dating, it's as if I have lost the capacity to love again as my whole self feels as though I cannot receive or give what is necessary for that connection anymore. 

It's like she took all of her anxiety, and all of her feelings of emptiness, and at the most difficult period in my life decided to throw them all onto me.  I have never felt so worthless in all of my life, and I have never felt this way after any breakup previous to this.  But the reality is that I am drowning in all aspects of my life right now and the only reason that I hang on anymore is for my children. 

Worst of all, though, are the dreams.  I wake up from the dreams and realize that my reality is quite the opposite, and panic slowly starts to set in as I realize that what seemed so real and good in my dream is also quite the opposite.  It's at a point where I wish I never had to wake up, and more importantly, because I do wake up, I wish that I never had to dream. 

Hey BPDaddy... . I am moved by your circumstances and your emotions... . and wowed by your writing.  It might seem off key to comment on the quality of your expression in light of the despair you describe, but your ability to think clearly shines through.

The visual images and the emotional memories are incredibly vivid for me as well.  I have very similar experiences when the morning comes.  I have to slog my way to a cup of coffee... . but the caffeine helps!  On the one hand i wish it wasn't all so intense; the acute longing, the sweet images, the biting despair.  But, I am coming to realize that this is the enlivening of an emotional wholeness within me.  I am trying to let the force of these inner experiences lead me to truth about myself and to forge a new inner self.  I am not fully certain what I was or was not doing with these feelings before, but I cannot contain them now. 

Hmmm... . I need to think about this some more before I write more about it.  But, I did want to thank you for your post.  It was like a personal note directly to me this morning as I drank my coffee.

Wish I could offer words of advice, or comfort BPDdaddy, but I am very sadly in a near-identical situation.  Despair seems to have become a daily fixture for my mood, varying up and down.  That my wife spends most of her time in a camper in the yard, so near and infinitely far away - spends at least one night a week at her lover's apartment.  All household chores are now mine, as well as a full time job with weekly overtime.  She cares for our son while I am at work.  Well and truly losing myself in this pit.

What Folks don't seem to remember is this: That after all those sweet words, memories, and recycle attempts that keep you stuck on them,  it's all about the take-down in the end  with them. They may know they are devaluing and disgarding or not. You can relive those sweet by and by, pie in the sky, and  beddie bye, memories for the rest of your life, but if they really came back, it would still be all about the take-down. Whether it be a new lover she/he seems happy with,  , lying, cheating, a scornful look, derogatory words, mental, physical, emotion abuse, or just plain leaving later on. 99% of them really believe they are right about doing it. It is all about your take-down, and always will be, unless they stay in therapy. Don't give up, and give in to them, and  fight like your very life depended on it, to stay LC/NC, because it does. Remember this.

Yes!  Made me feel so good just reading it Glenn.