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I have to share this with you guys, in 19 years since we met, dBPDh has pretty much never did something he doesn't like because I want to do it on a good day... . he's been in a slump for the last 2 weeks, which usually means he "hides" in our basement.

I've started going for a hour or two swim at my parent's house, but last night I was had to cancel since he said he wanted to be with me (I tend to text him as I'm on my way home from work to make sure we don't need anything at home... . last night his response was company)

So as we are sitting on the couch talking, he asked if I was going to go swimming, to which I said said:"You asked for company, so I'm not going and it's OK." and just continued our conversation. About 2 mins into it, he get's up and said:" Well, I'm going to grab my bathing suit, we are going to take a dip in the pool and a quick visit, just get the dog's water bowl."   |iiii

Let's just say he didn't have to say it twice.

This is huge, he's not feeling good but he did something to help himself, he's not a swimmer (in 19 years, this is the 5th time he's worn his swim suit)... . and he was going to visit his mother-in-law, knowing full well he would have 100% of her attention since we were the only ones there (and mom and I had talked allot during the day, so she had nothing new to tell me really). We had a nice evening, just relaxing in the pool and talking about everything and nothing. I could see he was making great efforts to hold his end of the conversation but he held his own.

Let's just say that when we got home, he went right to bed... . he was exhausted from all of it.

Top marks for effort. |iiii

It was hard not to go overboard with praises and appreciation. LOL

To say how much I really loved our evening and knowing what it meant for him (doing an activity he doesn't like and seeing people when all he wants to do is crawl in a dark corner to hide).

These moments, brings me back to a full charge and keeps me going strong. I often feel bad that I get so much out of an action he did that took soo much out of him (knowing him, he will sleep most of the day today because he is totally burned out... . but that doesn't last long, then I remind myself that I need that boost of energy and hope for "normalcy" (as in he can be functional now)

Is it not a good thing to give a lot of praise and appreciation? I'm still trying to figure out the right way to do things.

Praise is good, but overboard can have possible drawbacks.

It can be seen as patronizing to treat someone like a legend because they have done something anyone else finds normal. You could be answered with "what so you think I'm not capable of being normal?" (invalidating)

It can create a system of easy reward, not trying very hard, just doing the minimum and actually believing they deserve accolades (over validation)

It is a fine balance

 |iiii I just want to point out that it was a really healthy relationship dynamic there.

He asked for what he wanted (Company)

You told him that you would give him what he wanted, even though you were sacrificing your swim, and didn't apply any guilt or judgement. You gave it freely.

He then offered to give you what he knew you wanted (swimming) and did give him some form of company, at least.

I like it!

Thank you waverider. That was an excellent explaination.

If I go overboard on the praises, you can bet that this is the last time he will do it.

I try not to say it too often, but when I do and he complains, I just say :"I'm sorry about repeating myself like this but, it made me so happy to share this with you that I can't help but share it... . and since you are the only here... . " This usually makes him laugh, so I save it from autodestruction.