BPDFamily.com

I'm just curious.  Has anyone on here ever taken a BPD ex back years later after being in a "normal" relationship in between?  What made you take them back and did you stay with them long?

Interesting question earth! Where is the question coming from? Are you hoping your ex seeks therapy?

Hi, I would hope for her sake and those around her but sadly no.  I am truly just curious. 

We have had a few members on the staying board go through a Therapeutic Separation (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=141686.0) - the aim of that is for the person with BPD to seek therapy and also the partner to seek their own therapy - it requires two to make it work and its usual that both partners need some help with their own set of issues. Believe or not we also need to process some things from our own past and way we handle relationships.

They have then reconciled.

I did, and this cycle ended just yesterday. My ex walked out almost three years ago pregnant with our daughter. The whole year we were together was a traumatic mess. She left at the end of 2010 for really no reason other than she was not happy. I attempted to recycle the relationship until February 2011 when her step father called saying she hated me and would loose our child if I continued to contact her. For the most part she had went NC during that time. I gave up, never got completely past it but got fairly stable in my life. She had sent me one text message in 2012 which I never responded too. Needless to say I reached out to her in April of this year. We reconnected and got back together. At first she seemed to be a whole new person, she actually gave affection back, which was very rare before the 3 year split. I finally got added to my daughters birth certificate and as usual I gave them both everything I could. In the end her core is still the same. We did great for about two months, She we both swore things would be diffrent. She promised to never leave and talk out out disagreements. The build up came from triangulation (read definition) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0) with her mother and we fight over money, she walked out for a few days. We recycled, three weeks later the same thing happened, that was yesterday, she is gone yet again.

In reality I never stopped wanting her, I had dated but never became emotionally attached to anyone during the 2.5 year NC. She says she never dated at all.

Thanks for sharing.  I guess there is more to my question... . I am asking because my BPD ex just left me for an ex from 10yrs ago. This woman had dumped her and married quite quickly. She was with her partner 10yrs and is now divorcing. She asked my ex to come back.

I am wondering if it will work or not. All three of the relationships she had before me (including ours) were tumultuous. I just wonder if it will work out being they have stayed friends all these years or not.

My ex would cry (yes cry) throughout our relationship that "this was the one that got away" and that she couldn't believe she dumped her when she did "nothing wrong".

Really?

I think this woman thinks she has "matured" however we know she is not being treated. I wonder if her fear of being "abandoned" again will take hold again since she never let that go. Thoughts?

If your ex is an untreated mentally ill women with BPD then no. It will not work out. Things don't work out with BPD's. There are no happy endings. They are mentally ill and they are the epitome of a walking train wreck.


BPD's are usually the first to cut and run at the first sign of the possibility of abandonment and they like being in control of relationship outcomes. They usually expect things to unravel so they are always on guard and prepared; especially after idealization wears off.

This is why the rate of them abandoning other's is much higher than them being abandoned. But there are xceptions when they are dumped and it triggers their abandonment pain in a most hurtful way. Especially if they haven't latched on to new supply. So in all honesty your ex only pines for this women because she did the dumping first and married someone else. It could very well be a case of wanting what you couldn't have which BPD's (and many non BPD's) are notorious for. The one that got away is a fantasy created in your ex's mind because she got rejected first.


First. Earth Angel. This rebound is a disaster waiting to happen. They will not skip off into the sunset forever and have everlasting love. One has uBPD and the other just got out of a ten year relationship. Please do not convince yourself that this will truly work.

Second. I can relate to your complex feelings of loss. Your wondering why she didn't choose you. Your wondering if she's truly mentally ill. You want to know what the other woman has that you haven't got. You want to be validated by your ex. You want her to see your worth. You're pissed that she's chosen to abandon you and run. You feel deep injustice.  But we on this board are here to tell you that your ex has done you a huge favor. See the blessing. You've dodged a major bullet.

Third. Whatever this woman thinks is not your problem and your ex is now her problem. You are creating more pain for yourself but trying to figure out scenario's and what if's. Your ex will be the same disordered person no matter who she's with. She won't be better or different. She'll be the same toxic mentally ill person at her core.

My ex had supply lined up before I called it quits for good. I ruminated and created all kinds of happiness fantasies in my mind when the truth is a mentally ill nut case (sorry for the name calling) cannot change who they are no matter who they're with. This is the truth.

Earth Angel. Focus on you and your own well being and let that fantasy of her being well with someone else go. It simply isn't true.

Spell

Thanks, Spell.  You always give good advice.  :)

Thanks for posting this question. I was just on a solo camping trip with my dog, for space to process my situation. One thing that came to my mind was that this break up is different than her previous ones in some notable ways and I can not help wonder if that is because we have a very young child together so she can not totally be done with me. I don't know the answer honestly. So I was wondering to myself what I would ever do if in the years to come, because we have many, many to go parenting together or trying to, if she got therapy or did some hard work on herself would I take her back? I don't know and I won't I don't think until I am faced with it (if I am faced with it) and I think that is okay for me.

I honestly believe that she is partly regretting divorcing me because I know for a fact through mutual friends that she didn't realize how hard it was to be alone and parent alone and since she won't talk to me at all right now, we don't even have a co parenting relationship, that she didn't realize how painful, hard, lonely etc it would be and is recognizing that I am a great partner. All that to say I also know that she has to save face, that is so important to her. So she would never come back now it is too far along. That leads me to believe she would try to come back in the future, among other very good reasons I think she would try. what would happen who knows, but it is a good question for me to think about on occasion.

As far as i know from reading this board and my own experiences, pwPD are prone to compulsive lying.

So after witnessing mountains of lies, and still lies when she tried to recycle me, and more lies after that, and lies after i asked if i deserve to know the truth and she said yes and she lied anyway.

Furthermore, after years of circular arguments, never having a real talk about problems because of:

1) Deflection

2) Crazy making circular arguments

3) Blaming me about something ridiculous just to change the topic

4) Using sex as a tool to avoid any serious discussion

5) Passive-aggressive behavior

I know better now.

She cannot be trusted. If she ever tries to come back to me, i cannot trust anything she really says ever. She had too many chances to tell the truth and take responsibility for her actions/cheating.

All the posts on bpdfamily just reinforce this.

I don't even want ANY type of connect with this person, since i cannot trust what she is saying out of RS either. For all i know she can try to fill me head with more manipulative lies.

So to answer your question. I think trying is pointless, and there are some users on this forum who tried and nothing good came out of it.

One guy i think divorced his wife of 25yrs to be with his exBPD and it didn't last very long before he got dumped.