BPDFamily.com

Friends,

A relationship with a pwBPD, I submit, requires the Non to ignore what in hindsight are obviously red flags.  I certainly did.  Here are some warning signs that I missed:

Temper tantrums and angry outbursts;

History of impulsive actions (e.g., repeatedly dropping out of school on short notice);

Conflicts with others at home and work (always their fault, not hers);

Alcohol and/or substance abuse (and denial of any problem);

Destruction of personal property (e.g., trashing my apartment); and

History of self harm (e.g., scars from self-created medical problems).

I'm sure there are many red flags for BPD and am interested to learn about warning signs that others may have ignored/overlooked.

Thanks to all,

Lucky Jim

Ex was draped in them like a great big red toga  red-flag

Stupid me chose to ignore them.

Tantrums/angry outbursts: On first holiday together became aggressive and controlling. I was smoking (he is also a smoker but was on a temporary break from them). Snarled at me about the awful smell.

History of impulsiveness, dropping out of school, etc, problems with authority: tick

conflicts with others at home and work: constant. Continual complaints about people letting him downa nd treating him badly. No responsibility at all for own actions.

Substance abuse: yes dope- although wasn't seeing that when I met him. Was too expensive for him in UK. hehehe

destruction of property- not as far as i know. Self harm none either. He was a real narcissist. Thought himself (ludicrously) a bit of a spiritual guru.

Another  red-flag in my opinion is slagging off exes. Or possibly a mix of slagging off and idealising which he displayed.

Another  red-flag is obvious promiscuity or hyper-dating. In ex's case loads of   messages on his wall from various shag buddies in his two home cities. Plus one he had 'literally just dumped' in UK on the day he met me   yeah right.

Final  red-flag for now: the same one as with NPD. Moving in on you incredibly quickly, love bombing, being on total best behaviour, mirroring obviously.

Lying about being a smoker.  Lying about smoking when I saw her smoking.

Lying about not being married (she had a separation agreement, but was not divorced)

Lying about scar on her wrist - it was an intentional cutting, said she got it moving some old bed frames

Accused me of 'spying' on her (this was when I saw her smoking) - she had been gone for awhile, so I had the audacity to walk out on the balcony.

Was upset with me for being happy when we first parted - of course I was happy, she was a "dream come true".  She thought I ought to be upset.

and there are so many more early warnings.  At one point I had counted 13 red flags in the first 36 hours.

Immediate intimacy (this one is equally on me)

Another one on me is ignoring all the red flags.  OK for 1, 2, even 3... . Things get sorted out, and nobody should have to divulge everything immediately.  But 13?  And by the time the truth came out on the  red-flag  red-flag  red-flag that were lies, there were plenty more  red-flag  red-flag  red-flag.  And off I sailed into happy-happy-joy-joy-soon-to-be-malice-in-wonderland-for-8-years-of-hell-and-still-ongoing.  And me with strident, intentional, i-just-need-to-love-her-more ignorance.

And I am still addicted to her, 11 months separated, still driving myself   nuts.  Me and my own codep disorder.  I still think I love her, but sheiss, about time I move on.

I recall I didnt' do the immediate intimacy thing nearly as quickly as he did. I remember realising at the time something felt all  my-issues creepy crawly about it!

Why the ___ didnt' I listen to myself... .

he was beautiful, charming, persistent, good in bed (although complained early on about my 'passive' sexual performance!  red-flag lots of criticism early on).

Another  red-flag is very early and intense jealousy and intrusive behaviour. Ex would say 'I read your FB messages by accident, who is x' (male colleague). In fact he was checking my FB and phone whenever he could for evidence of 'flirting'. If someone supposedly flirted with me I was supposed to run away and hide literally. If I replied I was flirting back.

I don't mean to be vulgar but ex told me he enjoyed pleasuring himself while looking at himself in the mirror

lies about sexuality

cheating, but not confessing- lies of omission so that I always felt like I had to second guess everything he said or find what he was hiding- then calling me paranoid

never addressing any problems or saying sorry- that is in the past

said once he liked to get girls to think he liked them and then never do anything about it- girls ended up thinking he was just scared and so would follow him endlessly, trying to get him to open up

self harm in the form of obsessive about tattoos and fascintated by cultural self mutilation rituals, obsessed with anything taboo

perfectionist about his looks, but only paid attention to others less attractive than himself, while plenty of gorgeous women were available to him at any time

when he said I love you for the first time he spent the entire night looking disgusted and wouldn't come near me.

very kind, happy on the outside but his work was very very very dark

admitted to acting stupider than he really is so people expect less of him

idealizing phase waswayyyy over the top in retrospect- keeping clothes of mine to smell while I was away, told people he could not think of anything else

image always shifting. style of dress shifting, hairstyles constantly changing

he said he cant think about anything that's not surface level "if I did then id be angry all the time"

said he felt empty, when he dumped me via text after living together he said he "just went numb"

every so often sadistic humor, for example a drunk woman needed a coat so he gave her one to put on, acted sweet, knowing that it had someones vomit on it, laughed about it

bragged about how he didn't need to be anyone, never felt too attached

soocllllingy and affectionate when cuddling it was over the top, like a little child, he became giggly and child like it was strange

all in all always so sweet, attentive, caring to me, but when breaking up he was another person overnight. colder than anyone ive ever met



that's a few red flags I remember in retrospect. maybe he was more of a narcissist

also I have no clue if this is related but before he even started talking to me at university I did notice him staring with a creepy look but didn't give it much thought. Also I had a problem with a peeping tom, knocking on my window about 5 times a week for a few months, always at 2 or 3 am, I never found out who it was but it stopped right around when he and I became close... . I always wondered after I realized how weird he is if that was him. he definitely had a dark side he hid

Temper tantrums and anger should have been a red flag. It wasn't often but still should have been addressed earlier on in our relationship.

Paranoia about people watching his very move. This was very annoying. It almost made ME paranoid at times too. But really it was all in his head.

His desire to appear perfect and always the good guy to friends and family. Come on now! Nobody is perfect and WHY choose to live up to everyone's expectations except your own? And WHY take it so far as to prioritize it over our relationship?

Which leads to the next red flag of him being ashamed to be seen with me in public when he was feeling down or his fears were overwhelming him. This hurt lots because how can he say he loves me yet is ashamed of himself and me after 3 years together. A Battle of contradiction. His fear was more powerful than his love for me when his darkness and unhappiness with himself prevailed.

Another red flag was his inability to face his fears and take responsibility for his mistakes or actions. He'd fervently try to cover them up thinking it magically go away but naturally it always comes to the surface because he hadn't properly healed or dealt with the issues.

A small but related red flag was when he started caring so much about keeping up his facade and not wanting to face the music. He'd be too busy having pity parties and thinking of ways to hide his issues and fears that he basically had NO time for me anymore.  Even hanging out Once a weeks was pulling teeth. It sucked because this never gave us the opportunity to communicate face to face.

Which leads to the final red flag of him relying too much on texting to communicate.  I always felt it was impersonal but to him it was vital in him staying out of the limelight and positive for hiding from True face to face intimate contact. I think he felt more safe having conversations via text ao he could control the situation. I put up with it because it seemed I was settling towards the end. It made me disappointed that he couldn't even at least call. I was thankful for the contact but really its not the way to go in a relationship. Texting should be a back up form of communication or when situations call for it. Arguing via text is so frustrating and unproductive and impersonal. Even nice intimate chats deserve face to face time or at least a phone call.

danley,

your post gave me chills.  word for word i could have written it. especially last paragraph.

1. From the very beginning my ex painted his ex with a thick black coat of paint and called her every vile name in the book. I should have known it would be my turn soon.

2. Intensity and Idealization. I was so perfect and unlike the others in the beginning. When in truth he didn't even really know me. Total love bombing.

3. Boundary Busting. Wanted to know how soon we'd have sex. It was all very pressuring.

4. Impulsiveness.

5. Short tempered and sensitive to wisecracks.

6. Always talking about what a good guy he was.  red-flag  If you're good you don't need to tell the entire world about it. It'll show.

7. I busted him in little white lies; early on.

8.Drug use. Smoked as much weed as Snoop D-O- GG

9. Hated his mother.  red-flag  

10. Over relied on his looks. Very superficial and my ex was very low functioning. He also hated himself.

11. Horrible. Horrible upbringing of molestation, drug & alcohol addiction by both parents who essentially threw him to the wolves.

The poor ass practically raised himself.

I will never ever never ever date a man who hates his mother. Men like this tend to give women hell in a hand basket and my lesson is learned.

Spell

BPD spell you red flag is good. the mother thing is so true, I thought that was a myth... .

mine started using the same insults he used to describe his mother earlier in the relationship to describe me in the end. frustrating because while some cwere applicable, some were so off the mark. its so strange that he didn't even notice doing this- subconscious.

Mine actually "told me" all her red flags and I still stayed!


-She lost her job in 2009 and gambled away her savings (said her ADHD coupled with the "lights and noises" of the slot machines fueled her addiction)---racked up $12K, $7k and $9k in credit card debt on top of losing her savings and 401K. When she would win she would hand out $100 bills to people (regardless of her losses) because she felt sorry for them.

-had a history of drug problems in her 20's (she is 41). Cocaine, heroin, etc.

-When she breaks up with someone she often impulsively moves to a new state to get away from them.

-She has been known to put a restraining order on an ex and change her number (or so she says) but ironically is "friends" with them soon after the fact or was "talking to them as friends" during our relationship (her fallback person?)

-Has a history of breaking up with an ex to "steal" an old ex back from someone only to go back to the previous ex and cheat again. Ironically the ex she cheated on twice with---10yrs ago is who she just left me for. Have fun with that, Girlfriend!

-Has had a "seedy" relationship/sexual past. Met her current love (former ex) in a whips and chains BDM club.

-Had a relationship with a married woman and then when that didn't work out she shacked up with the married woman's husband.

-Had a baby out of wedlock. Tricked the father (who was married to another woman) to sign adoption forms after saying she would stay with him (he ended up leaving his wife). Then she left him having the signed forms and put the baby up for adoption.

-Married a man who she met while pregnant with the baby she adopted out (not same as the man above) and "aborted" their baby after an argument. (he almost comitted suicide and she told me she found him immature and selfish to even attempt that).

-Has a weird jagged scar on her arm that she told me was a welding burn. It never looked right to me (I now believe after reading more about this illness it was from cutting).

-Would start an argument with me before an event that was important to me and would end up not going or would result in her "breaking up" with me (Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween party).

-Would break up with me saying she was "done" and never wanted to be with me or talk to me again only to call me days later (or email) after I implemented NC... . not apologizing but begging to see me with the excuse her mind was "all over the place" or she was under stress.

-Blamed most of her actions on having ADHD. Then, in her last "rage" where she pulled my hair and spit at me for not having her house key handy, told me that she had "frontal lobe problems" and I was driving her insane. After abusing me she called me an hour later hyper ventillating and telling me she was sorry and "wanted me".

-Used lots of psych terms on me I believe people had said to her: Said I "pushed and pulled her" and was manipulative with "knee jerk reactions" and that I kept trying to "circle her into a toxic relationship".

-Said her ex before me was a stalker and sex addict and that she had to change her number, move and file a restraining order. Her ex was a prison psychologist. Looked her up and turns out she specializes in... . get this... . wait for it... .

Borderline Personality Disorder!

I now believe she wasn't the stalker she was painted to be. When things were bad between us she would say she should go back to this woman because she was "better than me".

- Was estranged from her father that was supposedly physically and verbally abusive.

-Said her mother was not the typical mother and didn't really care much about what happened in her life.

-Painted me as a nut to her sister who I work with (oy). Sister would reprimand me that I needed to leave her alone and stop tormenting her when I wasn't doing anything.

-told me a month ago her ex who was visiting wanted to "kiss" her. I now believe it was guilt and it happened.

-When leaving me and running to her ex a week later she told me she loved me very much but this was her chance to get her partner back after 10yrs of being separated (but they stayed phone buddies) both reside in different states.

So true. Or any man that disrespects women (calling them out their name). Some people may think "Well it's only her that he hates... . " but that is a very clear red flag. Any man displaying an ounce of hatred for women is a man I'd never date.

So true. Or any man that disrespects women (calling them out their name). Some people may think "Well it's only her that he hates... . " but that is a very clear red flag. Any man displaying an ounce of hatred for women is a man I'd never date

Xenia is right and the same goes for women who hate men. My STBexBPD told me from the very beginning that she hated men, biology for making men stronger than women, her father for being a terrible selfish man-child, her brother for being abusive and a whole host of other vitriol. It was a huge red flag but I just sat there excusing it all. At the end, I was painted black, evil and proof that she was "right" all along.

earth angel:

-When leaving me and running to her ex a week later she told me she loved me very much but this was her chance to get her partner back after 10yrs of being separated (but they stayed phone buddies) both reside in different states.


my ex told me that he loved me very much, during his new r/s, before moving in with her, then a few weeks

after that.  just dont know what to make of him 

Plus he had a poor r/s with his own mother, didnt say he hated her per se, but he never felt close to her.

Could I also add the other red flag regarding mothers- overinvolvement.

Ex adored his mother and looked after her - she was a waif type- he was her big boy and ended up having to look after her to the extent of giving her money to live on every month, buying furniture for her new social assistance flat in Rome. etc. He was devoted to her and would say she was 'a great person' but would also rage at her  more than I saw him do with anyone except me :-0 He was overenmeshed for sure.

Sadly, she had abandoned him at age 5 to go to live hundreds of miles away. She was too broke to travel to see him and he did not see her for 4 months at a time. He longed for her and at 10 went to live with her. After that his father would only speak to him once a month for 5 minutes on the phone :-0 So he was doubly abandoned.  :'( But adored his parents, felt totally responsible for them (but not for anyone else, including his partner! I was definitely expected to be Giving Mum while his own mum needed looking after like a kid).

Dancing in the Dark,

   I feel like I am trying to constantly convince myself this wasn't me. The "I love you so very much" and five minutes later "You treated me horribly and I already have a new girlfriend".

That just doesn't happen in a "normal" relationship. You will never understand him because your brain does not function (thankfully) like his.

I am finally feeling better after listening to some healing CD's. I am a skeptic when it comes to psychic's but Jusstine Kenzer has a love healing CD on her website.  I think anything where you just relax and let go helps. Have you tried EFT?

I still struggle. I know my ex well enough that she will make contact. She already has violated a verbal agreement (ironically set by her) that I would have spin class Sats and she would take Tues. She's turned up and I caught her staring at me (out of the corner of my eye) several times.

I made no contact after she thretened me with a restraining order. I am a respected professional and I don't need that crap!

BPD's are awful with bounderies. They set them but break them. Everytime she said she was done, she hated me... . I need to move on, she doesn't love me anymore... . she came back. Now she has a shiny new (well old ex) object to occupy her for a few months. During this time I'm at a new gym, working out, surrounding myself with friends and telling ppl about the things she did. For me, I feel by people knowing about really happened I would be a complete moron to take her back :) It actually embarasses me I stayed in this so long. For me it is a safeguard because some days I do have those moments when I want her back.

I am hoping they eventually go from fleeting to non-existant.  Good luck in your situation. If you are not in therapy I highly recommend it!

earth angel:

Despite having fleeting moments that make me want to just talk to the ex,, because we were

pretty close in a friend like way, before getting involved in a r/s... . I manage to restrain myself

in keeping well away from him.  I know, whatever he would say, would be complete BS and I can

never trust him again, either as a lover or friend.  He is cruel, heartless and a liar, whether he is

BPD/NPD or not.

I do have a Therapist, but I find just getting out and doing the gardening stops me tormenting

myself over him.

My garden is looking real nice now  lol

he lied about everything no matter how silly, he was convinced that his own lies were true. He never confessed to lying even when caught in the act.

wolf whistling at women on the street, but if he even thought I was glancing at a strange male on the street I was given the third degree about who he was, how long I’ve known him and was a cheating on him with that guy

using being drunk as an excuse to get away with inappropriate behavior, would get furious if you called him on it

outrageous flirting with all females

threatening self harm if I didn’t do as he wanted

constantly primping in the mirror saying how good he looked, then telling me how bad I looked

happy one minute and in a rage the next without warning

hated authority figures, his mother,  his job, his boss and anyone he thought got more of anything than he did

admitted one time that he didn’t think like other people do, and was concerned if anyone knew what went on in his head, they would lock him up and throw away the key

sadistic humor by making fun of friend’s misfortunes

extremely jealous of our children when they were young

often had temper tantrums and acted like a little boy instead of a man

super charming when he wanted something from someone, but would stab them in the back if he didn’t need them for anything

letmeout,

"constantly primping in the mirror saying how good he looked, then telling me how bad I looked"

holy cow is this one true. mine took 3o minute showers, worked on his body, said he had to look good, but although he didn't ever say I looked bad, he made it clear he didn't care how I looked, appearing to be the nice guy that didn't care about looks. which was true- he just didn't care about anyone elses but his.

barely noticed me, im not sure what I was there for other than to fund him, let him see me being attracted to him, laugh at his jokes. it was like his movie and I was just a supporting cast member.

I think if you get sucked into this movie of theres you really start to think like them, tht you aren't as important. id even downplay things to make sure people didn't compliment me over him cuz then hed become all distant, detached, looking at other women.

the narcissistic side of BPD

You really want the list?  Lol!  Here is mine:

Fast-moving, whirlwind relationship.  This seems to be a constant with everyone I've talked to.  If you're making long-term life plans and saying (or hearing) "I love you" within a week, or certainly less than a month, that's a huge red-flag. 

Multiple lies.  This is actually going to be broken down into sub-sections because there were so many:

-Told me he was from my state but living in another state for college, and staying with a roommate.  He told me this when we met on Instant Messenger.  We spoke on the phone the next day.  It was on that day that I was told non-chalantly, "I was born and raised here in (his state)."  That threw me for a loop and he explained that he'd only lied because he wanted to get me to talk to him.  Okay.

-Within the next two weeks, I learned he was not in, nor had he ever been in college.  His "roommate" was actually his mom's boyfriend and his "roommate's girlfriend" was actually his mom.  When I confronted him on that, "Oh, I just moved back in with my mom this weekend because my roommate moved out and I couldn't afford the place on my own."  He never lived with a roommate, to begin with.

-The entire first three weeks, I was told how he wanted to get married and have two kids in the future.  In week three, on a certain night he was acting weird when we were discussing these things.  He began crying and sounding frantic and told me he needed to tell me something.  He had a daughter.  He hadn't seen her since she was a baby (of course at the fault of the crazy, psychotic mother), and she was about three years old at the time.  Because of him having a child he was "being kept from," he could not have any other children.  Ever.  Not even with me possibly.  Because, "it wouldn't be fair."  From that point, forward, he was very open about his desire to never become a father to any future children.  But, I'd already been hooked.  I recall one time him telling me that if I ever got pregnant by him, he would, "slip an abortion pill in your coffee."  He said it jokingly, but who jokes that way?  Later on, he also admitted he'd gotten another girlfriend pregnant but the child was either stillborn or aborted (it waivered depending on his moods, aka: if he was sad about it, the baby was "born dead." if he was angry/negative mood, "the abortion".

-After one period of NC, he'd just returned from "business in Europe."  This guy operated machinery in a plastics factory.  No way in hell they had sent him to Europe for a month!  He also went as far as to tell me that since he liked his rental car so much in Germany, his boss bought it for him and had it shipped to the United States.  He was a factory worker.  Not even a big-wig in the company would get that kind of service!

-After another period of NC, he called to tell me he was in Las Vegas on business (he, of course, was in his bedroom at home).  For a whole day, all I heard was how great the buffets and casinos were, etc.  The next day?  It was like he'd never told me he was in Vegas, to begin with. 

Moving on from lies, and I could've given plenty more examples... . Another thing is, whenever they tell you stories and they are always either a.) the hero or, b.) the vicitim, BIG  red-flag. 

Periods of NC.  No normal person in a normal, functioning relationship does or goes through this.  BPDex would just up and disappear for days, weeks, or even up to a month (or more) on multiple occasions.  Then, he'd come back with a sorry excuse.  That is not normal.  Also, periods of NC whenever something good was happening to me.  It's like he couldn't handle seeing me happy without him.

Subtly controlling you and your emotions by implementing psychological abuse.  Examples:

-"I'm most attracted to girls with red hair, they're the sexiest, in my opinion.  My friend, Amanda, has beautiful red hair.  I love it!"  I have dark, dark brown hair.  Of course, I became very self-conscious whenever he told me he really liked his "platonic" friend's hair color.  So, what did I do?  I went and dyed my hair red.  After I did it, he laughed and said, "I was just messing with you!  Anyway, I don't like the hue you dyed yours.  I'm more into a lighter red."

-Whenever I talked about college, he would get really distant because I wasn't planning to attend college in his state and move in with him.  So, he'd say, "Just think, you're gonna be in your classes one day and you're gonna meet your future husband!"  At the time, no one could convince me I wasn't going to spend my life with BPDex.  Whenever he said things that alluded to the fact that we wouldn't be together, it really upset me.  I ended up not enrolling in any of the colleges I was accepted to because of him.  Which, is what he wanted.

The list goes on... .

Love-bombing.  I like that!  It's true, though.  I was told, just a few days in (and we hadn't even met in person!), that I was the most amazing girl he'd ever met.  Wayy, far better than any ex he'd ever had.  Also, his "baby-mama" (what he called her) was painted thickly black.  The only serious relationship he had between me and "baby-mama" was never discussed in depth.  I'm not sure why.  But, "baby-mama" was psycho, jealous, bi-polar (I think he once told me she was BPD, how ironic?).  She called the cops on him multiple times for "no reason," and had completely cut him off from his child, etc.  I don't know if he's painted me black to others, or if he mentions me, at all.  Whenever I ended the romantic part of our relationship after having met another guy, I was called every vile name in the book.  He just couldn't understand why I would do that to him.

Sensitive to wisecracks?  Yep.  I was never allowed to pick on him.  If I did, I was berated or he went NC or raged for a while. 

Drugs.  Drugs were a HUGE thing.  In the beginning, he told me he did no drugs, whatsoever.  That was all in the past in his stupid teen days.  Shortly after I learned he was a heavy weed smoker.  I'm prudish when it comes to drug use, of all kinds, so I was not very accepting.  Occasionally, he would threaten to take some pills or do cocaine, or tell me about past experiences of having done that.  In reality, he was doing all of that while we were talking.  I just had no clue.  That is likely why, even though he worked full-time, he never had the money to come see me or to move out on his own from his mother's home.

He didn't hate his mother, in particular, but he painted her black often.  It was so confusing because one day he'd paint her black.  The next, if I said anything negative about her (in support or defense of HIM), he'd lose it on me. 

His father was an abuser who abandoned his mother while she was pregnant (he was probably BPD, too).  His mother was a severe alcoholic and also unstable.  I'm not sure if just unstable due to alcoholism, or what.  I do know that she had two sons from a previous marriage and their father won custody in the divorce, so there's probably a lot I do not know about her... . because, really, when does the mother NOT get custody?  In severe situations.  I know that BPDex did tell me when he was 11 or 12, he came home from school and his mother was gone.  She'd ran off with some dude.  She left him there, alone, for a month by himself.  The neighbors fed him cheap hotdogs and that's what he lived on.  I do believe that story because he told me that multiple times.  Usually, when he lied it was never repeated again.

Yes! My uBPD husband does this all the time! It's so frustrating and hurtful!

That is not normal behavior, but if you have been exposed to it for a while you start to think it is normal. BIG red-flag that the future with your partner is only going to get worse instead of better. I wish I had realized it then.