BPDFamily.com

Numb. And disappointed.  That's how I feel.

My BPDfriend and I were having a pleasant conversation yesterday. We started talking about what she's going to make for dinner for her family.

Me: So after the pool, you'll have to prepare dinner.

BPD: No, I'm not cooking today.  It's somebody else's turn.

Me:  Who? [Her husband's name]

BPD: No some guy

Me:  Some guy? Which guy?

BPD: I don't know some guy.

Me: You don't know the name of the guy?

BPD: It's one of my husband's friends [and she didn't know his name?]

During the exchange, I could already sense that she was lying. A little backgrounder, a few weeks ago she asked a mutual friend of ours a question and caught the friend in a lie and BPD was angry. So yesterday she did exactly that.  I went to drop off my other friend's ipod and drove past BPD's friend's house.  The houses of both friends are on the same street... . and guess whose car is parked at her friend's house.

So why lie? Especially when I asked her? She does not know that I know where she went. She doesn't know that I know she lied.  And so far I am just letting her believe that everything is fine.  But the lying is eating me up... . especially since she has always accused me of lying. I have found that she lies to everyone. The biggest lie to her own husband is about her sexuality. And I am the only one who knows it because I am the object of her affection.

So what would you do?  Let her know, call her out on it or just let it go and accept that she will always lie?

This is about your boundaries.  What you will and won't tolerate from a friend.  I take it the dinner lie was just a recent example of her pattern.  If you choose to confront her about honesty issues, you might want to format your discussion in SET format, or if you want to ask her to be more honest with you, DEARMAN.  You can give it a shot here and we'll help you get the message right.  Or, maybe this isn't a battle you pick.  Let us know.    :)

Yes, the dinner lie was a recent example. This has been going on for a while.  Too much hiding and secrecy to spare my feelings... . yet the lying and deception makes it worst.   I cannot change her but I can change the way I react to her and change the way I deal with her.  I have chosen to ignore this last episode, act as though it didn't affect me.  It will only lead to more lies and more excuses. I feel that the more I dwell on this the worst my anger gets and the more likely I am to have a confrontation with her.  She has accused me so many times of doing exactly what she has been doing.

It hurts because I never thought she would go as far as literally lie to me in my face. Tonight she had all planned out that her friend ride with her to the dance class and proceed to the pool for her daughter's swim practice. She went in first with her kids and the friend who goes along with this plan came in a few minutes later. I was the instructor after the class she took. And my close friend taught the class BPD took.  She obviously didn't want my friend to tell me that they rode together.  That in itself is so stupid!  I went into the babysitting room and one of her kids asked me if I saw Ms. J and I said yes.  The child told me that Ms. J road in the car with them and was going to the pool with them.  That was me in the past! So when the class ended I said hello to J and told her to have fun at the pool.  My way of letting them know that I know.  So instead of leaving right away they hung around so I could be distracted as I start my class so they can slowly head to BPD's car unnoticed.  I stuck my head outside the door and with a smile said "have a good time!"  I guess what really bothers me is the fact that she thinks I'm so stupid not to figure things out!

I'm angry because of that. But I will not say a word.  Let her wonder, let her think.