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Unconditional love does not mean an unconditional relationship.

  Unconditional love [paired with] unrequited love & emotional abuse = severely dysfunctional relationship

Where I began to break down was not responding to the lack of return of love in the relationship, in any healthy fashion.  Any person or couple can have a rotten & stupid argument, a bad day, even.  But when the bad argument turns into a bad day, and the bad day turns into a bad week next time, and then a bad month... .

And when the "lack of" got intermixed with emotional abuse, again, I had no healthy response.  And certainly even unhealthy responses.

I kept figuring I would lead by example, but the hurts and resentments and loneliness piled up.  Then I became unscrewed, and uncorked.

I had no idea how to respond.  I willingly invited the trampling of my own values rather than risk the separation of that 'love', then I willingly partook in the trampling of my own values in mad attempts to recapture that 'love', figuring we would return mutually to a value based marriage.

All I ended up doing was going stomping through the tulips, then crying about the dead flower garden.

Anyway, the two statements at the outset of this post mean a lot to me, and at least tell me what to NEVER participate in again, so I will state them again:

Unconditional love does not mean an unconditional relationship.

  Unconditional love [paired with] unrequited love & emotional abuse = severely dysfunctional relationship





Anybody else have any compelling relationship one or two liners?

I've been thinking a lot about unrequited love lately.

I read the first chapter in a book on Amazon (a preview to see if you want to buy the book), and I'm going to paraphrase what it said as best as I can, because it really helped me develop a 'truth statement' that I refer to every so often that helps put things in perspective.

You are invited to a party, but were not given a time when it starts, the theme of the party or the dress code.  You use your best guess and show up at 6, bring some munchie food, and wear a moderate outfit - not too casual, but not too dressy.  You get to the door, ring the bell, and the host opens the door wearing a tuxedo, looks at you and says 'you're late'.  You proceed to explain that you weren't sure when the party started, and apologize.  You can hear the crowd inside and it sounds like it's going to be a great party.  The host (the person who invited you) then mentions that your outfit is kind of casual.  You tell them that you can run home and change real quickly.  They then proceed to tell you that it will make you later, and that dinner starts at 7, and then asks if you brought the special cake that you have made before as they had requested.  You tell them that you didn't remember them asking for you to bring the cake, but that you can quickly pull something together when you go home to change.  Again, the host says that this will make you even later, and you'll miss dinner.  And the story goes on... .

Basically, it feels like however much you try to rectify the situation and apologize, there is always something more that disappoints the other person - you just can't live up to their standards.  With whatever you try to do, you will never be able to be 'good enough' to get to sit next to the host at dinner, enjoy the meal and receive the affection that you desire from the host.  Just an analogy, and I hope my paraphrasing makes sense.

This summed up what I think you are getting at pretty good for me.  Being in a situation where you have unconditional love that is not returned, along with dysfunction, and you have a situation where nothing you do seems to be right or gets you to a place where the love that you have is returned.

So, what do you do?  

You can still love and care for a person, and let them go, knowing you will never be the co-host of the party (my truth statement).  

wow jason519 your posting was just beautiful. i truly loved the words and just wanted to tell you.

and then i read Want2know's reply and damnit that's great too! the analogy about the party is really a great metaphor for how i felt.

i want to show this to a friend of mine who is still in contact with his exBPDgf so bad... . if only he'd listen... .

W2K - thanks for the paraphrase/story.  That is certainly part of it.

For me, what I wrote is a guideline for the present/weather forecast for the future/perspective on the past.  The past is what it is, the present is what I make of it, and the future will reflect what I choose.

At least for the moment it makes things a bit simpler, less stressful, more peaceful.  Seems like those two lines make for a very clear lens with which to observe what did happen, and what I might experience in the future - takes away the emotional reaction and ought to make my choices obvious as I travel the rest of the way through life.