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Having a hard time today.  I have ups and owns and today seems to be a down day.  I have been thinking about my ex BPD a lot.  Wondering what she is doing and if she is thinking of me.  I know in my mind that she is ill and incapable of having a relationship and loving me.  But it still hurts in my heart.  Today is just one of those days I really miss her.  I won't contact her but I can't lie, I secretly hope and hope she will contact me.  And that scares me because on a day like today I don't know what I will do... . will I respond?  That is my biggest fear, getting dragged back in.  I am in a good place and I want to stay here.  Why after all this time do I still fear being dragged back in?

I feel for you :-)

I feel for everything you have said.

If it's any consolation you sound better than you did a few days ago. You have detached that first little bit.

I would be scared if ex contacted me. Terrified. I don't think I want him to. But I would like an apology and closure. I fantasise about that all the time.

you will not get dragged back in if you reflect truly on what has happened here. What heartstrings she played on. Why you were sucked in all the time.

In a relationship with BPD, we give so much of ourselves to them, that they take control of us, our emotions, our sanity. That's why it is not easy even after a breakup, because they are still in control. We are so trained to take care of them, that we forget ourselves. It's all about them.

In such situations, I read my notes on all the 'Red Flags', things I didn't like about him, about relationship, times when he abused me emotionally. That would gives me strength to maintain my stand.

About missing them, yes I have been there, till few hours back. Interesting realization (also mentioned in various articles and posts) that they don't think like us and don't feel the way we do. While you are busy thinking about her, she must be busy finding a replacement, somebody new who can her next victim. Believe me or not, I am saying this from experience, BPDs are skilled at finding easy replacement because their needs are most important for them.

So this time is all about YOU. Take care and reflect. Make notes on why you don't want to be with her.

Thanks everyone. She already found a replacement. She found one months ago and while he was uprooting his life to move here to be with her she was busy telling me how much she loved me and wanted me. That she didn't want him and made a mess. She wanted me. I have made the list and I replay in my mind how many times she has hurt me and it blows my mind that I still feel for her. Have therapy tomorrow and that always helps. Just have to get thru today. I just don't want her to contact me.