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my uBPD mom has been doing ok about not calling me incessantly lately. i had a decent skype conversation  with my mom, dad, brother and sister in law over the weekend (the agreed time to talk every week).

it is a tuesday, i am at work. my phone lights up and its my mother (international call). i dont answer and i get a voicemail. she is crying on the phone asking me to call her back. "please call me back. i want to hear your voice."

my stomach did backflips immediately. my gut reaction in my head was, "this is disgusting". i did not call her back immediately. i did not feel any fear, obligation or guilt to do so. i took a few minutes to think: what do i really want? i'm not averse to talking to her... . because i feel like im in the driver's seat right now. i have autonomy at work, i have an office... . i could care less if i talk to her for a few minutes or not. i texted her saying i would call back in 20 minutes-- hopefully giving her time to just calm down. she replied, "ok i'm waiting".

the gods probably gave me a sign. our calls just wouldn't go through. i texted saying, theres a problem with the signal. i would call back in 2 hours over lunch. she said:

"okay. i sent you some pictures yesterday from a couple of years ago at that event you gave a keynote at".

"yes, i saw them."

"you didn't acknowledge that you saw them."

"okay talk to you in a few hours".

that's when the FOG sat in. because i didn't acknowledge her picture msgs when she sent it. i saw them and did not respond. i really didn't care about them. it's just her ways of reaching out to me. the voicemail is the same... . i can see her fear of abandonment and grasping very clearly now. i just need to know what to do and overcome FOG as i lay down my boundaries.

would anyone have advice or guidance on how i could have done things differently? and how to go about the call in a few hours?

It sounds like your mom is bugging you at work, focusing on your job isn't something you should feel guilty about.  Try to be clear with her about your limitations with work and time spend online.  There is a big difference in generations with how we spend time online, for older people the internet is for entertainment and keeping up with family.  I don't do email or facebook with my mother, I made the decision long before I realized she was likely disordered.  She just has way more time for family/entertainment online than I do.  It was a hard boundary to set and I'm very familiar with the waifey "did you get my email" phone calls.  I can tell you the FOG does get better, with enough distance you start doing the math and when you measure an entire childhood of emotional abuse against not answering emails right away, it doesn't feel so guilty.

It's ok to not want to talk to your mother on the phone. It's ok to put your needs (or job) first. I agree with nomom4me that this is a boundary that you could set.

I've set this boundary with my mother: I will not take personal calls at work, except in emergency situations. Like you, I do have a lot of freedom at work (and a private office), but I do not think it's appropriate to talk to my mother while I'm at work for several reasons. I've told her, using SET, "Mom, I know you'd like to talk, and I'd like to talk to you, but I cannot focus on our conversation while I'm at work. Can we talk after 4?"

When you get those feelings of FOG, what goes through your mind? What could you tell yourself to counter the FOG?

thanks for your thoughts.

geekygirl-

when i experience FOG, i essentially 'freeze' and go into inaction. a tug of war of sorts- i just avoid my mom's needs and my needs. i dont want to cave into her demands, but i dont feel right about making my demands.  and  it goes into a toxic cycle... . it further perpetuates my mother's anger and my sense of guilt. a terrible place to be, i have no peace, my heart races because of the obligation and fear.

to combat it, i've just started asking myself questions... . 'what do i really want?' and 'its ok to ask for what i need'.


easier said than done :)

Excellent!  |iiii We're our own biggest critics sometimes. The more often you say those things to yourself, the more "real" it becomes. It's hard to break out of the FOG, but by changing how you talk to yourself, you can reduce the FOG-giness.


Absolutely. :) It takes a lot of practice!