BPDFamily.com

So my mother is uBPD. If you want backstory check my posts... . long story short I'm finding it hard to ask for things I want from my boyfriend and putting what I need from him into words... . I know I want more attention, more time with him, more support. But I don't know how to ask for it.  And sometimes he's so great at being supportive he doesn't even realize. I try to compliment him and tell him how good those things make me feel and how much i like hearing certain things... . but I struggle when he's being distant and I find myself wanting something but I can't put into words what it is I want/need.

How do you express that you need a partner, someone to back you up, regardless of the situation?  Should I be concerned that there are times in our relationship that I even have to ask for this?  Last year when my grandma was sick and died he was sooOO supportive. Shockingly supportive.  Now I feel like there's nothing "urgent" to support me on... . and maybe that has something to do with it. I don't know. I don't even know if any of this makes sense as I'm typing it.

I just want someone who has my back 100% of the time.-- And it's not that I don't think he has my back, I do think he has my back. I just don't see it expressed as often as I'd like... .

Also, how can I tell him that when he's slow to answer it annoys me because I feel like he doesn't care enough to pay attention & respond-- and that sometimes I think he's gotten disconnected/hung up on me (on the phone)?

If you needed him he would be there, right?

That is important to know ... .

Can you think of non turbulent times as a time to give each other space to breath... . be fully functioning independent human beings who reach out to each other and respond in times of need.  Enjoy the peace... . plan some fun things to do.

Slow responding: I have a dear brother-in-law who we finally got to say "I heard you" while he was thinking, because it was a really loong time before he'd respond to a question.  That is just how long he takes to give a thoughtful answer, but sometimes you just thought he didn't hear you.

There aren't too many peaceful times with a uBPD it is surprisingly hard to get used to peace. It sounds like you have a good thing going ... .   allow yourself to enjoy it.  And sometimes that is hard... . really I know.

Ugh that is so TRUE! It's like peace is uncomfortable silence. There are some silences I'm ok with. But sometimes I just can't handle it. And when he speaks slowly, I get really agitated... . I can't help but think it affects his tone and I feel like he's mad at me or thinks I'm stupid.

I'm not feeling like myself because I've been sick lately and it's hard to react appropriately/be mindful when you don't feel like yourself.

Remember that Cinderella movie with Drew Barrymore and she's dressed all in white with beautiful white wings.

Before she steps out to the crowd, she says "just breath."

It's okay, just breath.

Or try this... . image

In the jungle there is a profusion of color and things to see every moment is exciting, but in the desert you need to slow down and see the smaller beauty, maybe in one cactus flower  (Think Georgia O'Keefe's paintings).

There is beauty and excitement in quieter, peaceful situations.

Allow it to happen.

I think I want to say, that with a non-BPD mate you need to be "less mindful" in the sense that there are less booby traps to watch out for.

His silences might just mean nothing at all, but that he is quiet and happy.  Or maybe I mean stand down the vigilance, you can trust him.  Again, I am working on this myself and applying what I just wrote to myself.

Take care of yourself and I hope you feel better soon.