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My mother and I have been sending emails back and forth for the last month or so. Usually I get one nice email randomly every few months, I respond with something neutral, and then she explodes at some point soon after that. Usually about how terrible her neglectful children are.  For the last few months we've been exchanging relatively neutral, nice emails. AMAZING.  lol

Through therapy and self help books and learning to mother myself better, I'm transitioning into seeing her as not a scary monster, but actually as an individual with severe mental health issues. Which brings its own pain. Part of blaming my mother and being angry at her helped stave off the incredible pain I feel that she is hurting so often.

Now I feel like contacting her so she just has someone in her life who she can exchange pleasant words with and feel more connected to the world. She just moved to a retirement community, and she has 10 cats and is a really abrasive personality - she doesn't make friends easily and her father just died.

Anyways, I guess the feeling I have towards her is kindness. I'd say my fear of her has dropped from 100 to about 30. I still have a healthy fear of what she might do to herself or my siblings, but I don't feel she has a grip on my life so much anymore.

This feeling of security even when communicating with her is new for me. I'm just toeing the waters, but what do people think of me sending post-cards or small gifts when I find something that might cheer her up? Does that seem like I'd be putting myself in a subservient position? Would it be best to steer clear of gifts for any reason? I do feel like sending her something nice as a peace offering.

Hello skelly_bean,

It sounds like you've made a lot of progress. Congratulations! I don't feel like you're putting yourself in a subservient position as long as you have your boundaries in place and enforce them whenever she steps out of line. Since you're starting to see her more and more as someone with severe mental issues, I think it's normal that you also develop more compassion for her.

That's wonderful, Skelly. It's great to have empathy for your mother, but protect yourself at the same time. I agree with Kwamina--you've come a long way!


If it's something you feel that you should do, do it! I don't think you'd be putting yourself in a subservient position, as long as you maintain your boundaries and don't expect anything from your mother in return. It would be a nice gesture.

Congratulations on coming this far!  It's so great to let go of the weight of the fear and anger and learn to see a BPD parent as a flawed human individual, though very sad, as you say.

In my own case I have fought these urges to reach out to my mother, even as I developed more compassion.  I see compassion as a gift to myself and peace with my own past, and think reaching out to her would be a mistake (again, in my own case!).  I really struggle with allowing myself to have nice things, even nice feelings, without giving them to someone else too, and I just decided in this case I'm going to break my pattern and let myself enjoy feeling better without rushing to reach out to my mom.  I have been burned so much every time I reached out to her, and even though I've had all these realizations and recognized my own part in allowing myself to be hurt, that aversion is still strong enough I really resist contacting her.  In my case I really think one of my biggest problems in life has been the urge to go to her with every problem and concern, to share them and myself with her, despite the fact that she could not handle it and did not want that kind of relationship with me.  I am changing that pattern, and the benefits of the compassion and understanding I am able to develop within myself are going to go to those who are in my life and who do share my emotional life with me.  With my mom, my only goal is to minimize contact.  I just feel I've given her enough of my time, love, and energy.  Again, your mileage may vary.  Just my .02.