BPDFamily.com

I can't help but feeling like I'm whining, or just venting, but some days I can handle my uBPD boss and some days I can't. Yep -- one of my highest conflict relationships is with my boss. My boss sent me back to therapy.

Short version is: My mother was uBPD, and my boss triggers all kinds of bad memories and deeply embedded behaviors. I also suspect that Boss is uBPD and a narcissist. She has a self-admitted mother-martyr complex (as does my own mother); nothing is done right unless she's done it herself because no one is quite as competent as she.  Both Boss and Mom have to know all, have to project an image of effortless perfection, because if they don't they will come unhinged.

I have stayed in my job position longer than anyone that came before me (when I was hired they specifically said they'd like me to stay at least two years -- why did I not see THAT stop sign?).  It's a good job with good benefits and it's interesting with the exception for those days that Boss must flex her mother-martyr muscles. Today she asked me to photograph the installation of an object (I work in an art gallery), and so I took our point-and-shoot camera and documented it. I usually don't take the best pictures, but these turned out pretty good and showed the guys putting the object in the case. When I pulled up the pictures up for her,  her voice went flat. "We can't use that, the case lid is in the background."  And that's how it went. There was something wrong with EVERY SINGLE IMAGE. You could see the edge of case lid. There was a person in the background. I hadn't gotten ALL of the pedestal in the frame. Even more frustrating was I took a bunch of photos knowing that if I didn't she wouldn't be happy. She still wasn't happy. Never once in telling me to take photos of the installation did she ever mention that she wanted a photo of the entire column with the case lid on without people in the background. She said photograph the guys while they're doing the installation. The kicker was her parting comment, "Well, I'm not going to use those for anything, so we can just put them in the folder for a record."

I honestly don't know why I'm irritated. I  knew she wouldn't like the photos. I knew she wouldn't let me post them to any of our social media outlets (don't even get me started on how badly she doesn't understand social media). Part of me says that it was my fault for not thinking of every possible angle. But even if I had taken precisely the shot she wanted, she would have found something else I'd forgotten to do. She will leave important details out and swear she told us. I've also been told that I should have "just understand that's what I wanted."  I was also told once that it was my fault I didn't know about an important detail because I should have listened in on her conversation with the head of the gallery when they were talking about it. She's called me into so many Friday 5 p.m. meetings for a one-on-one dressing down that I am terrified of not making her happy. I never know if a perceived error will be a big thing or a small thing. It honestly depends on her mood that day. Just like Mom. I didn't know what might get me punished, to put it mildly.

Quitting isn't an option. And I'm trying to defuse her power over me by confronting my with my own dysfunctions but some days I really want to just wear a t-shirt that says "Please back off until further notice."

Thanks for letting me vent. I feel better leaving today on the interwebs and not ruminating around in my mind all night. And tomorrow... . and the next day... . :)

ahhhhhhhhhh!  Are you my long lost sibling?   lol 

Seriously... . I'm sorry you're going through this.  I know how it feels to have someone hit that button and bring back a flood of insecurities from the past.  Have you read the tools (communication and validation in particular as well as surviving confrontation and disrespect)?  There are many ways in which you can keep from getting yourself enmeshed in your boss's icky stuff.  Wishing you strength!

Thanks for the good wishes :) -- I think I'm going to go back reread the sections on confrontation and disrespect. When it gets hard going, I sometimes forget the resources are there to help. Of course, that also might be the whole "doing it perfect the first time" coming back to haunt me.