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I have been married for a bit more than a year, and during this year I'm constantly doing everything I can to please both sides of my family.  My parents-in-law, and the extended family of my mum's side (she's passed away).  Which is ok, because that's what married people do, and I do want to keep both sides happy.

The thing is, H acts on how he thinks others will perceive him, so a lot of times he reacts harshly to me because he thinks I'm doing certain things that will make my family think less of him.  Like when my uncle visited recently (from another country), H got mad because I didn't take the day off to pick him up at the airport.  Actually, this is my uncle.  We've never been particularly close and same for everybody else in the family.  Even his siblings didn't take their day off to entertain him, and he understands that everybody's busy.  I still try and make time for them, taking their kid to a theme park for the whole day and so on.  But H expresses how horrible I am to my family, and that "he normally isn't like that but I make him look bad".

And during festivities, I am always responsible for the gifts for both sides.  I pay for gifts for both our families, I go and pick them out.  I physically bring them to the families.  Even when my mother in law wants to buy my grandma something, it was me who bought it, picked it up, paid for it, even though mum in law reminds H to give me the money (as it's from his family), I have never asked him for it and he’s never given me.  And I always say we got them these gifts.  Ok, I’m the wife, it’s ok I represent both of us, even though 100% of the process was done by me. 

And today, I ordered something online for my grandmother, I emailed and let him know, and said in the email “I ordered this from grandma today.”  His reply?  “You mean I ordered this for your grandma today.”  I just replied “ok”.

To be honest, I am upset.  If he would at least say “we” are giving it, it is ok.  But I hate that how when something happens which he doesn’t like (done by me), it’s ME who is wrong.  And whenever something is good happens (also done by me), it’s HIM who did something good.  What I want to know is, is it possible to set up any boundary concerning this?  Because this just reinforces the concept that I can’t do anything right, and he keeps on doing SO MUCH for everybody.  I’m at a lost at what I can do here…

I'm sorry Chosen, it really sucks, I know. I see the same a lot in my dBPDbf. He often takes credit for things that I have done. He might even have yelled at me for doing whatever, but then if it's noticed by someone else as good or positive, he will be right there to take the credit. Go figure.

I don't have a boundary in place for this. Are you leaning in one direction in particular? What value would you connect it to? Maybe that can help you figure it out.

Personally, I just react to it less, now. I think that overall the radical acceptance is really sinking in on a profound level, which makes it easier to detach from crazy-making/petty/mean/cold etc behaviour. Sometimes, if we're with friends, I correct him in a exaggerated, fun way, which may make him smile. Most of the time I don't.

Hi Scarlet Phoenix, I'm not sure what my value is for this  lol  I suppose its not a huge dealbreaker type of thing, but I wonder if ignoring it/ allowing him to take credit for whatever he feels like and dismissing things he doesn't will further blur boundaries between my responsibility vs. his.  I really don't know how to make a clear line of responsibility because in a way, marriage means you do a lot of things as a team.  But obviously, for him, it probably means I do the work and he takes the credit... .

Mostly I have ignored it, but of course it sucks when we are never appreciated/ acknowledged for the things we do yet yelled/ lectured at whenever we do things that don't fall with their expectations. 

The most ridiculous thing was that, after I replied him "ok" yesterday (via email), he actually said "No!  I will only be getting this for your grandmother if she likes it."  Meaning that if there is a chance she won't like it, then he doesn't want to be part of this gift giving.  I guess this highlights how "out there" some of his thoughts are... .

Hhhmm, tough one Chosen. In your shoes I would find this very frustrating. I guess you can go two ways, one the radical acceptance route, and You know the truth, and that is all that matters. For me I don't think I am Buddha enough to do that, it feels a bit ridiculous, and it reminded me of how I used to treat things that seemed ridiculous.

Humour has worked well in the past for me. With any other person if they said "Let's say that I bought the gift if she likes it, and if she doesn't like let's say you bought it" I would laugh and say "Haha very funny!".

So that is how I started treating some of the more absurd comments from my pwBPD. I would step outside myself and see that actually it was pretty funny, and I would treat it so. This is tricky and could backfire, but more often than not it changed the energy of the whole conversation and he realised how absurd he was being, and he was able to laugh too, it lightened everything up.

Do you think your H would be capable of seeing this as humourous?

And to the value and boundary line. I guess for me it would be something about not taking responsibility for other's inaction.

I don't know the answer to this, but do you think you are enabling him by playing along with this? (it can be a little blurry the gap between radical acceptance and enabling). I don't know where this fits on that line, would love to hear your and other's thoughts on this as it is one I struggle with too.

Love Blazing Star

I get this to a degree too. The thing is this sort of behavior becomes obvious and "everybody" can usually see through it even if they dont say anything.

If you really can't come to terms with accepting it and it really grates on you causing resentment, then I guess you do need to make an issue of it and refer to these things as "something you did on his behalf".

General rule when deciding what should be a boundary is whether it is something you can accept and work around, or does it build resentment no matter how much you try to rationalize it. Boundaries are not about fairness, its about avoiding resentment building up, which causes more damage than the boundary consequence. Only you can determine that equation, its not easy.

Very good points, both Blazing Star and waverider, and thanks to you both.  I think this matter is frustrating because it's not a huge issue, and they usually don't go on for long, but it does reveal how "twisted" H's thinking is and I guess I'll never get round to actually understanding why he thinks this way.

Logically, him reacting in this way doesn't make me change my actions.  I'd still be happy to help both sides of the family get gifts, and try to please both sides and so on.  And actually it doesn't affect anybody from the family either, except my H.  Actually, nobody has that high expectations of me except him, so I guess I'm only failing him!

I'd be reluctant to use humour.  When H is in a good mood, he "gets" humour, but otherwise, if he is trying to pick a fight, which I suspect may be the case when he criticises me for whatever I didn't do for my family that makes him look bad, then humour may seriously backfire.  There actually have been instances which he yelled at me for some joke (while it's perfectly for him to make jokes and I am not supposed to be offended), and I say to him, "You don't get jokes.  Remind me not to joke with you again."

I try not to let resentment build up by reminding myself who I do it for, and it works I think (I'm not doing it to please H).  But I have to admit I am unable to 100% radically accept it yet... .

And you probably never will, or you would not be human, and thats probably one of the most important things we have to completely accept. They will test us past our ability to completely "pass'. That is the reality, and that is ok. We will not be able to eliminate all those little inequalities and frustrations, its all part of living with a pwBPD.