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I heard that a traumatic childhood and family strongly affects/causes PD. This is something that trips me.

My exbf has wonderful parents and sister - he always told me how dearly he loves them and his parents loved him /grandparents pampered him too. He did mention he never enjoyed his school years as it was a very 'boring and strict' environment where they were not allowed to talk to girls (although it was co-ed).

His parents have a huge social network, as his father was an ex-civil personnel, and mother is an entrepeneur and has contacts with HR directors of top-notch private co.s

He always basked in the glory of his parents influences and networks. Used his mother's contacts to get good jobs - he likes power and money. His mother has a strong hold on him, he consults her for all the important decisions of his life.

My exbf considered himself to be the 'blacksheep' of his family of reputed professional (in their own field). He wants to scale up to his parents status and reputation - which he feels he is unable to do. He always took help of his mother for getting a job, or getting what he wants by shamelessly using her repute.

In his case he seemed to have a good childhood and wonderful family - what is riding his behavior?

Well, I think a good therapist could see a lot in that family that may not be as rosy as you see it.  His mom's "strict hold" on him for one thing is a  red-flag.  Perhaps his successful parents are rather narcissistic and saw him as an extension of them?  I suspect there's more there than meets than eye.

My husband's childhood was seemingly "normal" too -- no overt abuse, parents still married, successful and nice sibling.  However, his mom talks about nothing but herself, and my husband alternated between being her golden boy and the black sheep (when he got into drugs, etc. in high school).  His mom has a super creepy Oedipus thing with him that I've read is called "emotional incest."  I was freaked out at how she would have eyes only for him when there were four or six of us at the dinner table, sit so close to him on couch when we visited that they were touching  , and expressed jealously when we announced our engagement.  When he was a kid, she used him as her confidant with inappropriate topics.  She herself came from a very abusive family.  My husband's father, her husband, was a workaholic and an angry alcoholic. I think he was quite absent, and when home, everyone avoided him because of his horrible temper when drinking.  To outsiders, they seem a normal, happy, successful family, but there is a lot of dysfunction there.

So, from the outside they appear to be a normal family, my husband grew up in a very invalidating environment.  That, coupled with perhaps a sensitive temperament, had a deep effect on his own emotional development.

Can you see any red flags in what outwardly appears to be a fine and dandy childhood?

Interesting for you to mention 'extension of narc parents'. His father seemed a subdued and calm  husband. I found his father quite simple person who spoke only when needed and quite respectable knowledgeable man in his field. His mother however was very dominating and a bit of narc. When i met her i could sense that she was not quite 'please or happy' about me and her son getting married. She behaved very 'nicely' in front of my parents when the families met but when i met her the same evening without my folks she did not bother talking to me or even ask anything, and nor did his father either. I mean i was going to be their D-I-L, and they dint make me feel comfortable the second time. She was giving me cold stares i could see from the corner of my eyes. Also, when things were going rought between me and my exbf she suggested him to not contact me and also doubted my character  

I know for a fact that he took her advice and broke up with me, as his parents began to search for 'other' girls for him - as they convinced him i was no good. He broke up with me very coldly and confidently... . like he had a back up plan. I even tried calling her, emailed her and she completely ignored me and 'complained' to her son that i was troubling them. He was the same man who convinced me and persuaded me for months to believe in marriage and that i was THE ONE for him.

It's ironic that his mother who doubted my character and misjudged me - is clueless of the abusive behavior (emotional/physical/verbal) of her son. She is so smug and proud of her family and their social status and network.

There you have it -- quite a lot of explanation in this post.  I could talk to my MIL for an hour on the phone or a couple hours when we visited, and she would never ask me question one about my life... . not a how's work?  how's your family?  nothing.  Meanwhile, she would talk incessantly about herself, mainly inane things like the last 20 movies she saw or how many flowers she planted.  Totally self-absorbed but threw a temper tantrum when it came time for us to get married.  Interestingly, my husband developed awareness of his toxic relationship with his mom - as he explained it, even though she always doted on him (still does), he has ALWAYS felt truly ignored by her.  He has told me numerous times that the #1 thing he hates in life is to be ignored.  He is very talkative, but when on phone with mom he might get in a few sentences in an hour call.  All about her.  The last couple years when my husband made some attempts at therapy, he told me he realized that all his anger problems stemmed from his r/s with his mother.  However, now that we are divorcing, and I've been split every shade of black, his mom is his #1 supporter and confidant again.  It's very twisted.

It seems you are beginning to unravel some of the causes of your husband's behaviors.

It is very baffling to pick the most influencing factor of his angry-controlling-abusive behavior.

He has been away from his family for a decade. So they are unaware of what he does and what he is upto. He speaks to them only on weekends (his mom and sister mostly). His sister is 36 and unmarried. However, my exbf was always in a hurry to get married - suprisingly he was still single at 31yrs (when i first met him). He is 33 yrs now - and finally married (arranged) to a girl he met 3 months before his wedding.

He broke up with me in January in a manner least expected - we had recycled this r/s several times but i never anticipated a breakup as he always pulled me back in, and i was mentally preparing myself to be his wife. Just when we decided to 'work' on the issues so i flew all the way to be with him, that's when BAM - his behavior turned 180 and he dumped me and persisted that he does not wants to give this another chance - as he was frustrated of the fights, and he could not trust me any more after i went through his emails and busted his little secrets about meeting his (married) exgf and his parents sending him profiles of other girl suitors for marriage already. This was happening for months and he kept me in the dark, played with me - like i was his back up plan just in case nothing worked.

I discovered that his mother asked him to 'move on' a long time ago when i called off the wedding due to an abusive fight he picked with me just after couple of nights when our families met. But we had decided to work on the issues and resolve them. Nothing changed - he became more controlling, abusive and cold. Fortunately or unfortunately it was a LDR so he could not do more than yell at me or ignore me when he was angry or wanted to control me.

Funny thing - his mom did not unfriend me from Facebook after everything. Sometimes i wonder how could she, who runs a 'woman empowerement' organization have no empathy towards another woman who she knew and disregarded to hear me out when i desperately tried to reach her out.

I have often thought about this, not just the mother, though.  But, the family-dynamics as a whole.  BPDex's father was abusive and abandoned his mother before BPDex was ever even born.  He's met him like once, or so he said... .   The mother is a very unstable alcoholic.  I do believe this because she has two older sons from a previous marriage and they rarely involve her in their lives, other than Christmas and Thanksgiving.  She may be BPD, herself, although I am unsure.  I remember BPDex telling me that when he was about 10 or 12, he came home from school and his mom was gone.  She was gone from him for at least a month.  I guess she paid up the rent or whatever and took off with some guy.  During that time, the neighbors would give him hot dogs and cheap things to eat, but he was abandoned.  Perhaps that could have triggered it?  As a Psych major, I am no stranger to the ol' nature vs. nurture argument.  I feel that both affect people, it just depends on their circumstances and who they are. 

I agree.

Family dynamics definitely affects a person irrespective of whether PD or not. We all have the imprints of our mother/father in our behavior - genetically or inherently. In my exbf's case what trips me is that he grew up in a 'normal' family or his upbringing environment seems drama-free or healthy, so why is he the way he is?

He looks upto both his parents and aims to scale up their reputation - but he considers himself a blacksheep, like he let down his parent's expectations - professionally and now personally by taking me to his parents. Probably that's the reason he quickly married a girl who could match their social status and someone his parents pick.

Oh my goodness in many ways you described my wife's childhood. She is the eldest child of a nuclear physicist who taught at Columbia, Cambridge and then worked for years for the government and various other very high level places. The man is a freaking genius and incredibly self centered and a total narcissist.

The mother has her own serious set of issues, also had a very respectable job although not to that level. Highly educated, professional woman. I remember the early sign of something being wrong was when we contacted her to see what dates would work for her to come to our baby shower. Her response to my wife was " dear, mind your emily post you do not throw your own baby showers!" to which I replied "who the hell is emily post" which of course went over oh so well (sarcasm) with the mother.

From day 1 I have had issues with the lack of boundaries. Professionals in our lives like the couples therapist called it emotional incest what the mother does or tries to do to her 43 year old mother. She lives and will die by emily post, she has stayed in a loveless marriage to a man who is an alcoholic, cheats on her, ignores her, molested my wife, treats the world as second class citizens etc. because she has to save face. As a mother she was on the extreme end of detached from my wife. Emotionally gone from day 1 and my wife always has felt like she had to be the adult from a young age. To this day my wife can not get her mom to respect boundaries, I have seen it with my won eyes. Her mother has said it is her job to protect my 43 year old wife from making bad choices in life. On and on the sickness goes.

The way I know it has a huge part of it is that if I look back on the last 5 years and I am not the only one who noticed this pattern, my wife gets super crazy the week leading up to them visiting and for at least a week or two after the fact. The week they are here is craziness. This past week they were here, and this past week she got far more crazy. Things had been smooth for a while until mom came into town. Same thing last December, Novemeber, July (a couple weeks before my wife left her mother was here and shared some incredibly inappropriate things and pressured the wife to leave me) and the wife has told me in email and face to face that she chooses her mom over me because she is afraid she will lose her mom. It is sickening to me and profoundly sad. So for my case at least I believe her upbringing had a huge amount to do with her illness. I find myself righteously angry at the parents but I have had to learn outlets for it.

Recently the wife was screaming at me about something I didn't do, and as she was doing so she yelled "this is exactly how my mom comes into my house and treats me" which was the first time I ever heard her recognize and be upset about the hitty behavior she receives from her mom. Most the time she can not face it for some sad reason and it gets projected on to me.

thisyoungdad,

I am sorry you had to put up with all this. I have read about how a child seeks for the attributes of his/her parent of opposite sex in their future partner. I think this is true, as i was attracted to my exbf more when he displayed the 'care' like my father does towards me.

From the culture we are from the parents have a say in chosing a spouse. We usually take the approval of our parents before we 'marry' the person we chose. Since both our families are quite broad minded we never saw a problem in getting an approval. I knew he was were close to his mother and always consulted her for most of the things in life. As she was an independent, dominating and highly professional person - she somewhere controlled and guided her childrens' lives. His elder and only sibling - sister who is unmarried is quite like his mother.

There was always a unique bonding between my exbf and his mother. She would always give him one advice -  'to be rational and be a man'. What hurts me the most is that after 1.5 years into the r/s i wrote an email to her explaining how much i loved her son and that i still want to marry him and if she could just talk to her son. All she did was tell on me to her son, and after 2 days he called me up to say that i should never contact hime EVER again and that he is moving on - it's over  :'(

The sad part is that this my second r/s where the men broke up because their mother disapproved of me. I have no clue why? Is it a sin to be independent, to want to pursue my career, to be 'modern' in this 'orthodox' society? Did she fear that i would 'control' the marriage when all i did was endure the abuse, and anger which she is completely oblivious about.