BPDFamily.com

July 4th is a pretty rough day for me for several reasons. I see some people on this board feeling down as well and I want to give you guys positive reminder!


I want to give a huge thanks to all those on here, you guys have been more than supportive. The blogs, stories, comments, have all been a great help. 


To all those suffering, to all those who perceive this pain as never ending and a punishment, it's not. I'm at a very important part in my life I'm at the cusp of starting my life. In the past two and half years during my relationship and break up, I've gone through such mental hell. My god, it gives me chills that I'm actually OK and happy. This has been difficult and for those reading it will be difficult.

I felt pathetic, a loser, the lowest of low, scum, an idiot, fool, dunce, and whatever other synonym of loser there is out there.  I thought I was a really f**ked up person to have dated her since all these sites push towards the notion of us having core trauma. Some of us may have some may not. I didn't date anyone for a year n half and I've gotten as close as just kissing one woman after this. My exBPD? Had sex with 4 guys after me. I felt like scum.  I was busy with my graduate work, internship, and work that I had no time for anything. My life consisted of school, BPD, and occasionally going out with friends.  Fr the first 6-7 months I was filled with such rage, anger, depression, and most importantly, REVENGE. I hated her, I turned into anakin skywalker on mustafar when he tells obi wan how much he hates him while falling to the dark side , that was me.

(Huge starwars fan)

I did so much thinking and internal work that something changed in me.

I've realized that these crazy biological interactions we face everyday called life, are so similar to chemical reactions (I'm currently studying organic chemistry). I believe we are all born at point A and die at point Z. Each person however small or large their impact may have been in  our lives, are catalysts for us. A catalyst that gets us from stage A to stage B and so on.

In nature and ochem, some reactions happen in milliseconds and under normal room temperature conditions while some of them need about 8-12 hours to run to completion or perhaps they need extremely harsh substances such as powerful acids or bases that can strip your hand to the bone. Our relationships are like these reactions, very volatile, unstable, and under unfavorable conditions but, the end result is a much more stable and useful product. I like to think of myself as a now stable and useful product ready to undergo yet another chemical reaction so I can ultimately grow and learn from my mistakes to reach point Z.  A person with BPD will never reach this state, for some reason or another their reaction just won't occur to completion.

The energetics found nature can also be applied to human relationships.   Nature prefers things whether it be objects, molecules, structures, or even relationships to be in a stable state. Things that have higher energy are usually unstable and therefore someway or another nature  will always either revert or break down to form stabler products, this can be applied to us. Unstable things will NEVER LAST. No way in hell can we say we had stable relationships. We didn't, I didn't, therefore we just had to break apart to our respective "stabler" products which is us.

I know I'm babbling about science and BPD and I hope it makes sense. I just basically want to say that, you will all reach a point in your journey in which you will see your relationship as a bittersweet blessing. Hurts like hell but it made you a better person. It's life slapping you so hard in the face that you realize your erroneous ways, it provides you with a template on what to AVOID in a relationship or a potential partner. It gives you a backbone to say "listen I'm not going to put up with your abusive nonsense any more". It makes you a stronger person.

In life people like our BPD are one of the most important people we will ever meet (granted I don't have kids or any legal issues with her). If I never would of met her I wouldn't of developed into the person I am today. Like I've mentioned before, lets say I was at point G in my life, without my exBPD, without her being a harsh, volatile catalyst in 100°C ,I wouldn't of done the work within and I would of certainty not have gained maturity and experience that I needed to arrive to point H in my life. Now that I'm on point H, I will now be prepared to go to point I and so on.

It may not look like it now but please have faith in yourself, the great energy of the cosmos, god or whatever deity you believe in. There is hope No doubt about  it. What's  at the end of this seemingly long tunnel? A better YOU. Believe in it and seek being a better person. To seek that, is to believe in its possibility. Good luck!

Ps. For those who have gone NC and still feel angry, confused, or just having one of those days, it's ok. Feel it. Talk about it, much better than bottling it up.

 |iiii Here here ":)eleted" |iiii

couldnt agree with you more  :)

A well thought out post!

|iiii

I understood everything you wrote even the science stuff hugely interested in the  human body especially the brain complex but amazing.Thank you for your post put things in huge perspective for me at this point in my life where iv just asked my dignosed BPD H for a divorce yesterday, im changing the locks, he can see the children but not staying over in our home, he lives 3 hours away with his adultress, im cutting him like a huge wart off my body i was born alone i will die alone and i DO NOT SHARE DNA WITH THIS LEACH!

Vent done thank you |iiii

Awesome post Deleted.  You have struck at the core of what we are all on this site to figure out; ourselves.  I have reached the point you talk about in this post, but I find myself slipping back some days.  Nothing like a self pep-talk in the shower to get my mind back on track  |iiii.  It is critical that we see what happened to us, this experience, as an opportunity for growth.  We are not fooling ourselves; it really is, it is just easy to get lost in the pain that comes with it.

I found myself a little earlier today being a little mopey that it is the 4th.  I was supposed to be with my BPDex at her cabin on the lake meeting her father this weekend.  Now I am sure it is the new guy that is there instead. 

Something I discussed with my therapist yesterday and that I reminded myself today... . I am only 20 years old.  I am NOT supposed to have it all figured out.  And I was trying to solve all of a 22 year old girls problems, problems that extend way back to childhood.  I was trying to fix her life, and I had an incomplete set of tools to work with at that (meaning I haven't even figured MY life out).  Talk about an impossible task.  I can't feel bad that it didn't work; there was never a possibility of it working.

I CAN feel good that I am recognizing all of this and learning from it.  That is a gift that I have that she may never.  Be ever so grateful that we have the ability to move forward and ON to new things... . They seem to be stuck in a self destructive rut and will stay there for their entire lives in most cases.  It is really sad.  But there is nothing we can do.

Octoberfest- I understand you completely, I have to admit I sometimes find myself thinking about what could of happened, screw it they're not worthy of it.  It's eerie how similar your story is to mine. How much I wanted to help her. With the little experience I had and knowledge on how to deal with her past, there's absolutely no way we could ever do so. We're not PROFESSIONALS. Took me a while to understand that. Hope everyone Enjoys their day!

Very informative, insightful, helpful post, Deleted.  It really rings true. 

I am at the point of viewing the primary instability as residing within me.  The destabilization that the relationship caused exposed and highlighted my personal issues.  The force of the wacky relationship was enough to create a kind of "redemptive destruction."  Man, the destruction hurts, but it was undoubtedly necessary.

Thank you... . the scientific narrative was very enlightening.  Please feel free to offer more!

Anytime Winston, whenever I feel down I think about stuff like this and how insignificant it will all be one day :)

Great post deleted and you're right.   When you recognize this is a process, almost part of an evolution of who you are emotionally then you realize these stimuli will interject into your life.  For me it was a HUGE wake up call.  I stopped needing others to validate me and my WHOLE world changed.  Completely and utterly.  You will find yourself chasing these people like ghosts your whole life because you feel fulfilled by their desperate NEED for you - it is as if every validation you have ever wanted is presented in one person.  But it was all false and the opportunity cost from this relationship for me was MASSIVE.  Probably for her too I suspect.  And it forced me to look at my life, look at all the time and wasted opportunity that I have embarked upon just to feel validated by third party people who ultimately either didn't truly care or took advantage of it.  I am in such a better place now that I can't even begin to describe.  It's like the Matrix - once you know it isn't real, then you can finally start to live.  And once you start to live, even the desert can be an oasis.  Just remember EVERYONE that by wasting time processing this you are denying YOURSELF the opportunity to get real true meaningful love.  I was lucky... . I discovered this before it was too late.  I am so much more in love with my wife now than ever, and I am the best father and husband I have ever been.    And it is because I accepted reality and accepted the love of someone real... . who never sugar coated anything and who would never tell me how great I am.  She made me accept reality, ground myself in the things about me that are truly great, and now I have a real life and a real love and it is wonderful.   

Guys I can't tell you how important that is... . don't deny YOURSELF the opportunity to be TRULY happy.  Worn on understanding yourself better... . understanding them better cheats your REAL LOVE of you and more importantly cheats you of happiness. 

Your post really, really, really hit home.  I got half way through and had to wipe my eyes.  I am copying and printing this out and hanging it on my wall.  Why spend time figuring THEM out when we need to figure OURSELVES out?  Time wasted.  Time for me to find real love and acceptance and not be married to a cardboard cutout that tells me what I want to hear.

Thank you for these posts, especially yours SD.