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Since I have chosen to live 3000 miles away from my uBPDmom, the phone is her main source of reaching me. Since her latest rage on me, I have been petrified when the phone rings, and I often cower and let it ring through to voice mail. In this way, I can "test the temperature" of her message and decide when to phone back. Right now, it's US Independence day and I need to phone her and wish her well, but have been sick to do so all day.

A friend phoned and left VM earlier, wanting to get together tomorrow, and I want to bail and be a hermit all weekend.

This is not healthy behavior. Does anyone else feel deep knots of fear when the phone rings? This week, I noticed it even transferred into my work life.

It's exhausting. I think this fear and depression has manifested into extreme sluggishness, and I'm very sleepy all week. Or I have Hashimoto's disease (part joke, part fear from prior thyroid issue)... .

Hi Asa

I can most definitely identify with the 'phone phobia' - the sound of a ringing phone especially late in the evening or when things are particularly tense with my mother has my heart racing and head spinning. One one occasion she actually managed to trigger in me a full blown panic attack over the phone.  I have even started to react to a phone ringing on the television.  When I read the book - Walking on Eggshells - I realised this was quite a common thing. Friends say when I lift the phone they can hear the anxiety in my voice quickly followed by relief when I realise it is not her. I know the sensible thing to do would be to state that you will talk to her when she calms down and end the call but I haven't not quite got to that stage yet (i'm new on the site). I have used the excuse of the arrival of an unexpected visitor, ring the doorbell or get the dog to bark!  My family just don't understand it.

Zone out

Hi Asa,

I think many of us have had that phone phobia... . I know I've cringed a few times when my parents' number comes up on the Caller ID (best invention ever, by the way  ). It's ok to keep conversations short, or, if you're really not in the mood, it's ok to not have them until you're in a better position to talk.


If this is bothering you, it might be worth bringing up to your doctor or T. Sometimes there are very simple things you can do to relieve that sluggishness and depression, and sometimes you might need a little help. It's nothing you should be ashamed of--you have been under a lot of stress lately.

Hang in there and keep us posted on how things are going. 

-GG

You know what I did was set a different ringtone for my mom than anyone else. That way when the phone rang normal I knew it was safe to pick up. Right now I have it set to a swooshing sound that's not even a real ringtone, so sometimes I don't even hear it.

I also set my mother's contact photo on my phone to a photo of a crying toddler.  lol Maybe that's immature but it gets me smiling when I HAVE to answer the phone and is a quick reminder of who I am dealing with.

Yes!  Recently I jammed my voicemail full after speaking with my mom, and it wasn't even a "bad" conversation!

Friends have noticed that I seem "bummed out" after speaking with her, I'm very happy that caller ID exists.

Phone is currently as good as it gets with my mom, I feel like I have some control (I can hang up) and when we have consecutive contact I can (try to) stop her from getting ramped up on a topic I have no intention of discussing with her.  Letters have turned into novellas from her, same with email, and I have no intention of ever giving woman access to my facebook network.  I call her on her birthday and we talk around the holidays, if I didn't do that we would be no contact, she does not call on my birthday and prefers to send messages through relatives.

I certainly had a phone phobia for many years.  I even found it difficult to phone other people.  Phoning anyone who I feared would try and impose their will on me (I generalized my mom's behaviour to everybody around me) became a huge difficulty.  I helped to ruin more than a few relationships by not returning calls, not phoning on birthdays or other special occasions etc.  I still get it here and there, but I have mainly overcome it by generally reducing and working on my anxiety. 

I love the ideas about changing the ringtones!  I would add that you might want to try and make some positive associations with the phone so that it's not all about your mother.  Decide for example that every Wednesday night, you will phone a friend.  Phone to make dinner reservations, ask relatives you have a good relationship with to give you a call.  Take the phone back!  And there is absolutely nothing wrong with letting it go to voicemail, and calling her back when you feel strong enough to do it.

All the best!