BPDFamily.com

My stbex wife of 19 years has always told me she never wanted to get married in her life because of her past.  She has also said throughout our whole marriage that she will never again get remarried.  My question if BPD's move so fast towards marriage in a lot of cases - why would she never want to be married?  Even during our split (especially me being painted black) - she has always said - you know how I feel about marriage and that I never wanted to get married in my life.  But at other times she has told me "my biggest regret is you marrying me becuase I am just a shell of a person".  Another question will she just move from person to person now - my wife was very waif/hermit oriented and I'm wondering if she will just continue to have emotional affairs relationships by facebook and texting becuase in a way - she can get validation but still remain safe in her shell?

my ex soBPD g/f was waif like also deperssion and cheating were/are her base.

i dont know if anyone could say what their life will be like after us. i do know she lead the same life before me and has started her new life with out the same as our life was.

she told me many times she wanted to get married and other times said she would never do it again/they say so many thing that are differrent from what they do.

i think if they are really suffering from BPD they may be in a normal... . acting like normal ppl stage for a short time but in the end they will fall back into old way of life.

i know my EXs family well and im sure a few other in her family suffer from this. her aunt being one of them. i knew the aunt when she was age ex is now. aunt did many of things ex is doing today, aunt is now 50 years old this women that had men falling at her feet now live alone and has nothing to do men or most anyone for that matter.

i wonder if ex is heading to that point one day

When we first met she said "I am NEVER getting married again. Love is not for me. I'll definitely end up on my own".

Then she talked about how I'd changed her views, and I'd made her want to get married, cos she loved me so much... .

Then when she needed an excuse to get out of our relationship (she'd met the new girl at work at this point) it was all "Oh, I just have a feeling I will end up on my own.  I just can't be in a relationship right now".

A few weeks later, she was in a relationship with the new girl.

And they're now engaged.

Strange!

Is there a secret BPD script somewhere?  My ex said the same words to me almost exactly!

im sure the script is out there sure seems that way anyhow.

the sign are everywhere only sign you cant find is how to tell when they are really done with you

I'm sure we'll crack the code eventually!  Seriously, it's only cos we've been through this we can all look back and see the signs - I wish there was a way to warn prospective partners of these red flags!

My bestie made me laugh today - she said "Poor X (new girl) - she thinks she's won the big prize, the best girl ever... . it's like she thinks she's picked the winner of the grand national - but really she's won the donkey, she just doesn't know it yet" lol

Ah yes... . the script.  My wife (separated) has demonstrated the same conversations and activities: madly in love with me as I was "so different" from her selfish and abusive ex-boyfriends and father.  But our 23 year marriage was a carnival of her erratic behavior (and my codependency fed off her illness and made me sicker),lies, shoplifting. thrill seeking, destroying friendships, getting fired from many jobs, eating disorders... . She has a very high IQ, but the emotions of a preschool child. 

Then 14 years into our marriage she discovered internet chat.  That soon escalated to secret trysts in hotels with men AND women.  Four stints in sex addiction treatment (she did drug rehab at age 18) paid a poor dividend.  She never fully "submitted" to the power of her addictions and was soon running around drinking, drugging, texting and sleeping with sketchy men.  Violent druggies and "bad-boys" seem to excite her. My therapist says that is what she believes she deserves, deep down. Good old reliable, trustworthy, and gentle hubby is just not exciting enough for her. Of course she crashes and burns with those fine gents as well.  One even burned her breast with his cigarette butt.  Classy fella. The other is in jail now for stalking and harassing her.  There were dozens more, but she has probably forgotten them.

Again, obedient to the script, she approached me a few months ago to see if we can "work it out."  "I never took my wedding ring off cuz you're still my hubby,"  she told me. That made her boyfriend angry. Maybe that's why he kicked in her car door?  She consistently wooed me for two months: texting, emailing, playing online games with me, inviting me to her apartment... .   She wanted to see if I could "win her back," which I thought was weird.  I had never cheated on her! 

I was put off by that comment and very cautious.  But, alas, I succumbed to the bait.  I saw her a few times (after a year of no visual or verbal contact).  She was warm, flirty, loving... . just like when we first met. And, it felt so damn good to be wanted by her again after she rejected me so many times.  I was weak.  But I never fully caved in; we did not go to bed.  Then, as I should have known, she cycled out again.  She dropped me like a steaming turd. I have heard nada from her in several weeks.  She went from "still loving me," to the invisible woman in a split second.  Rumor has it that she went to the bar recently and never came home that night.  I am betting she met another prince.  Poor sucker; she'll crucify him too.

We are both nearing 50.  The earlier poster said his ex's aunt (age 50) is a loner now after years of BPD behavior.  I fear my ex, whom I will always love, will end up a broken loner as well.  As her once sexy, hot looks fade (she smokes heavily and does not exercise), only the most desperate men will fall into her trap.  She has never maintained healthy friendships and it has gotten worse.  Our three kids say, "Mom is lost and doesn't know what she wants to do."  I struggle with anger and worry for her.  She is a family therapist herself (oh the irony!) and understands she is a bi-polar borderline.  Yet she still acts out as if she is ignorant.  When will I quit hurting? 

I only learned about BPD a few months ago with the help of my therapist.  And my wife admits she is BPD.  Understanding BPD has helped me to not take any of her crap personally. It is not about me! She lives in a wacky skull fill with distorted perceptions and hellscapes.  I wish I could help her. She can be wonderful and loving. She is the mother of our three amazing kids.   But I can only help myself.  If I had known years ago what I know now... . hmmm... .

They always swing back and fourth in my experience. She wanted something, then she didn't. She would tell me she loves her children and likes being a "young mother" and then a week later suggest she doesn't want any of them and ring the fathers to come and take them. She was stuck in the same cycle. The month before last, she got married and is pregnant. The timeline suggests a similar patten to our courtship. Small honeymoon, sudden pregnancy, always in two minds about wanting a relationship and not sure if the partner is god or the devil. Constantly testing them by requesting they do things to prove their love. Her first marriage was on and off and she took out an RO to get rid of the guy after her parents and her, cornered him to sign the divorce papers. She then slept with several guys, justified of course. We met and she seemed quite eccentric, but normal or so I thought. More like, I had never heard of BPD. She was suddenly pregnant and once the baby came, six months later, I was also served an RO and she got rid of me. For two years this order ran. I did not want to see her again but missed my child. Unfortunately, I did not have the money to fight her in court. She gets free legal in our country and for me it amounts to thousands of dollars. I tried to get mediation and that failed because of the RO. All of a sudden, I was the bad guy and totally locked out. Three years later, she is married and pregnant to this guy. It all looks so similar. Anybody I talk to about this seems to wash their hands of it. Like she gets away with all this destructive abusive stuff. I have no doubt whether this marriage holds together for survival reasons, she will be swinging back and forth, unsure of what she is doing. It is very sad. I would love one day to meet my son again but it will probably be when he is an adult.

This has always been something that was perplexing to me.  BPDex was, in the beginning, talking a lot about marriage... . unprovoked.  After a few months, he came into his negative side (well, he exposed it to me for the first time) and told me he would NEVER get married.  For years, he'd flop around.  Mostly, about 90% of the time, whenever marriage got brought up he would say it is "just a piece of paper," etc.  Just a generally negative attitude towards marriage. 

Then, there were times where he would tell me that he would marry me and only me.  I remember on one of our "good nights" he out of the blue started talking about proposals.  He told me he'd been thinking of how he'd propose to me, a one-of-a-kind, once-in-a-lifetime kinda girl, and he'd decided it would be at this mansion in his state, followed by a candlelight dinner on the beach   (puke face because, why did I believe that?)  Whenever I broke things off with him, he vowed to marry me at my earliest convenience, just as long as I wouldn't leave him.