BPDFamily.com

Last month with my pwBPD has been tough, last week my gran became very ill, she is dying.  Because he was in a manic hating phase he didn't even speak to me most days, then he came round a bit but said he didn't deal with stuff like this very well.  I told him I understood and didn't expect much from him but how can he be so cold when he knows how upset I am?

I said all I wanted was for him to hold me, yeh right, now I am being needy!  Yesterday it blew up because I have been helping the family care for her for hours and hours each day, including during the night, only popping back home occasionally to do deal with my children and try to do some house work.  Yesterday I came in and the house was a pig sty, not how I left it, he had put one item of his in the washing machine even though he could see I was behind with it, I asked why he had done that and now I am the winey wife!  He did t nothing yesterday, sat on the sofa all day, I am really struggling yet he is being so selfish, even pulled a face when I asked him to put the bin out!   He does nothing around the house except make a mess!

He has gone to work in a strope with me, I am exhausted and emotional and can't be playing his pathetic mind games at a time like this.  I get upset when I see how other family members are being supported by their partners and it makes me sad! 

Sorry for the rant but I am shattered and hurting so bad :-(

Hello and    to you

It's very hard what you are going through - I have been there with my mother and it is so exhausting physically and emotionally. 

Would you be able to ask your partner to come and visit your gran with you? I know this may be hard with childcare etc but perhaps it would help if he saw her and realise what you are coping with and how poorly she is?

I'm sorry you're gran is ill and dying - that's tough to deal with under the best of circumstances.

You may have to find another way to get your need for support met -family or friends.  He may not be a good support for you right now.  It's ok to take care of your needs.

Lack of support (and empathy) is one of the hardest things to deal with in a BPD relationship. I understand what you are going through, within a two year period I lost my grandmother (elderly), mother (terminal illness) and dear friend (sudden, unexpected). My BPDh behaved as though my struggles and grief were just a big inconvenience in his life, he did absolutely nothing out of his way to help me or be supportive. When his own father became terminally ill, he cut him off the last few months, would not not call or make contact and seemed to feel nothing when he passed away. His sister cared for her father the last year, but my BPDh would not speak to her either, said nothing, pretended like nothing was happening except to talk about what a relief it would be when he died.

The best thing you can do is to surround yourself with people who are supportive and caring, people who also love your grandmother and true friends. Don't expect a pwBPD to understand or feel empathy, they are incapable.  Their behavior will only exasperate you and suck away all of your energy. Concentrate on taking care of yourself right now. I'm sorry you're going through this.