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Title: How to compromise with uBPDex? Post by: Healing4Ever on July 08, 2013, 08:59:12 PM I've come to realize my r/s with my uBPDex worked because we never compromised - I would roll over to his demands, or he would be "doing me a big favour" by conceding to anything I wanted, which would be followed with resentment
Now that we're done adn I see this dynamic clearly - I find it absolutely revolting to have to roll over to him. I am trying to work through 2 issues with him and he keeps saying "I'm comfortable with (his needs being met)". Completely ignoring anything I've put forward about my own needs. Nothing I"m saying is making any difference. I'm so tired of being steam-rolled by him! What can I do? Continuing these conversations is also exhausting and infuriating - Him getting his way because I can't stand going through the conversations seems equally infuriating. Any insights? Title: Re: How to compromise with uBPDex? Post by: papawapa on July 08, 2013, 09:19:16 PM put yourself first. go no contact. work on yourself. find happiness.
Title: Re: How to compromise with uBPDex? Post by: Sparky2Blame? on July 08, 2013, 09:47:11 PM My personal experience is that there really is no compromise. At least not the fair give and take that I was looking for. My pwBPD would rather have fought to the death then have given an inch. And if I stood my ground, there would be hell to pay.
I don't have any good advice, but I do feel your frustration! I don't know what the two issues are. Perhaps if they weren't really "that major", it might be easiest to count the losses, cut all ties, and just move forward? Title: Re: How to compromise with uBPDex? Post by: Healing4Ever on July 08, 2013, 10:20:59 PM It's true - NC brings the most peace. I am just so tired of being steam-rolled when issues come up.
One of the issues is about an annual group camping trip we had planned with 10 other families - he wants to go this year, so I suggested that I go next year. However - he wants to reserve the right to go next year if he feels that I've had more time with mutual friends than him. I don't even know how he comes up with this stuff. I'm having a hard time letting go of this because I really look forward to this trip and I don't want to bail on it. I've already stepped away from the soccer team I started with our friends because he couldn't share it with me. He is such a bully - it's infuriating. The 2nd issue I could probably let go for my own peace of mind. Still infuriating though. Title: Re: How to compromise with uBPDex? Post by: heartcoaster on July 09, 2013, 06:55:14 AM I'd like to think I'm a reasonable person - always willing to listen and open to a compromise, tradeoff, etc. But after being with my BPD ex, I realize that it was usually the old, "my way or the highway" bit. Now that I'm on said highway, all I see in the rear view is a cold, calculating, and maniplative person that I was merely existing with in an illusion. Sometimes I still can't believe we lasted as long as we did, but I also made a lof of concessions in our r/s.
Title: Re: How to compromise with uBPDex? Post by: Lucky Jim on July 09, 2013, 10:26:34 AM Hi H4E, Sometimes I think a pwBPD does things just to get an emotional reaction. They will push and goad like a bully until they get the reaction that they seek. When they get the reaction, they will use that against you, in my experience. So most of the time, it doesn't pay to engage with a pwBPD, in my view, because it ends up in a Lose/Lose proposition. My suggestion is that you try to avoid any protracted negotiations with your Ex and just state your position -- you're going next year, he's not -- and move on, no questions asked, and then brook no compromises. Don't give him any leeway -- if you give an inch, he will try to take a mile, in my experience, so you have to be firm. Good Luck! Lucky Jim
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