BPDFamily.com

I have mentioned numerous times here that H is very critical of me.  When he does something for me, he will put the responsibility on me ("I didn't want it, but because you want it, I do it", but when I do something for him, he will criticise me for whatever I have done.  Either I do it wrong, or I didn't do it skillfully and respectfully (say if he wants to invite my family for dinner and I send out an invitation he'll be sure to say the words I used are not good), or it's a stupid idea.

So how am I supposed to respond to passive aggressive criticisms?  Like today, he has asked me to invite some people from my side of the family to dinner.  I booked everything, arranged a time (suiting those being invited), then he texted me suddenly "Now I will have to leave work early to make it."  He actually gets off work earlier than me and will make it on time.  But now he says he will leave at hit__ (30 minutes later than usual, which he hasn't told me before).  I have suggested that I could change the booking time, or asking the relative to just set off a bit later because we'll be coming from work (it's a valid reason, right?).  How else do you deal with that? 

Sounds like he's trying to manipulate you, and you are letting him get away with it.

On the first part, I can't think of much you can do when he is ungracious about how he does things for you. I guess just pay more attention to his actions than the words which accompany.

As for the second part, if this is a pattern, I'd suggest not playing along either at the beginning or the end of the exchange next time.

At the beginning:

"Would you invite (your side of the family) to dinner?"

"I'm afraid that I'll pick something that doesn't work well for you. Would you do it instead?"

Or at the end, upon hearing the criticism, put the consequences on him--tell him that he is free to re-schedule it if he wants to.

If you let him throw up arbitrary and unneeded restrictions and issues... . then bend over backwards to accommodate them, you are teaching him that this is a fine way to treat you.

By nature, he is a critical person. He needs to find fault because he expects perfection from others. When they let him down he feels it is his right to let them know how they let him down. Yeah, it sucks. And it is part of how he views the world.

So your choice is:

* Solve the problem if you can.

* Change how you feel.

* Stay miserable; continue to be a victim.

* Accept it.

So which possibilities have you tried and how have they worked for you?

Thanks both.

After I suggested changing the booking time, he didn't reply, so I didn't say anything further and didn't change the time.  My relatives actually called to say they will be late, and I let him know as soon as they called me, and he sounded a bit blaming because he's already rushed and left work and "now you're saying I don't have to rush".  I didn't respond to that, just said, "Oh no."  (trying to be empathetic with his feelings and not getting into the facts)  He didn't mention it further afterwards, fortunately.

Thanks Grey Kitty's suggestion for how I could better respond.  I think my current response has already improved from my past ones (in which I'll just go ahead and change the times and then get blamed for that as well); but obviously lots of improvement still needed!