BPDFamily.com

I think I am probably more damaged than I thought I was.

I was hanging out with some friends over the weekend, drinking, flirting with new guys, trying to distract myself from my pain. (Not trying to look for a replacement like my ex did but just being out with others ) But it was more painful because it didn't compare anything to the good times I had with my ex. I miss his undivided attention, witty jokes, playfulness and immense love in his eyes for me.

I realized that I am so used to the 'Special Treatment' he gave me and how good we were together, others don't stand a chance against him. He treated me like a princess. We had such good chemistry together, that everyone around could feel the connection. I feel that my expectations are higher now. My bars were anyway higher before I met him, that's why he was my first bf at age of 29. (That's one of the reasons I fell for him because he was so charming)

It's just been 2 month since we are officially broken up and still under CC. It's probably too early to think about all of this now.  I might be freaking out but has anyone else experience this?

Yes... . The idealization face usually surpasses most normal courtships and is very passionate and intense... . And therefore the whole feeling experience also gets very physical... . In essence we feel our emotions more... . And interpret that as being mor real, more love and that makes us in turn feel that we have met our soulmate... .

In a way we get infected with the PD's way of experiencing feelings and love... . It needs to be very expressive to count at all... . Subtlety doesn't count... .

But is that really true? Are bombastic expressions signs of a greater love, and people who are more subtle in their expressions not capable of great love? Is love just a matter of expressions... . ?

After being through an idealization face wit a BPD or a NPD for that matter it is easy to believe it is so... . But in reality, behind all of that grandiosity there is not always much left for daily life... . And some of it is also mostly for show... .

Again... . I am the first to admit that there are individual differences between different people sharing the same disorder... . So some function better than others... . And some are more capable of learning and changing than others too... . But when you find yourself enmeshed in a relationship with someone who is not treating you well, and where the heartache and the pain surpasses the good times... . That's when it is time to ask yourself if you are really on the right path for your life... .

After all we only live once... .

I can relate... . my expwBPD has put me through hell of late ( as you will see from my posts) yet I still find it impossible to believe that I will meet anyone that I loved as much as I loved ( love?) him.I know that I will never have the connection,the intensity,the bond with anyone again.I know that i will never look at anyone and feel the rush of love that I felt when I looked at him.I adored him and ( until the BPD took over) he adored me.I have had to admit to myself that I am never going to feel such love again.However, I will never be spoken down to,abused,mocked,ignored,lied to,laughed at when I am upset,have a total lack of empathy shown to me,shouted at,controlled,belittled again.yes, the good times were great... . I have never been happier in my life.But the REALITY has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through... . going from swept off my feet to be the victim of emotional domestic abuse.And, no matter how we look at it, what label we put on it... . their behaviour is abuse.

You just described my marriage and the demise of it.  The only way I can explain my impending divorce to people (friends, family) is to say that I love him and care for him, but that while the good was REALLY good, the bad was HELL.  It's still hard to let go of the good even though I know it turned to abuse at times, and I'm making the right decision.  It makes me angry at the damn disorder and angry at his family for creating this monstrous side of him.  It sucks.

BPD relationships come with tremendous "highs" of idealization and "lows" of devaluation but I wouldn't use the word "spoiled".  

They can treat us like princesses but they can also chop off our heads.

There is a tendency to remember the sex, the passion, the intensity, and the stronghold of the bond but in reality we were in relationship with a severely mentally ill person who is incapable of sustaining the extremes that come will "all white" idealization. Relationships of this nature aren't realistic in the long run and that's why the BPD toxic dance is heavily based in fantasy. In reality there is very little vulnerability without chaos, tortuous feelings of engulfment on their part, emotional instability and cracks in the facade of a yet another relationship that they'd hope would finally rescue them from their disordered thoughts and feelings.

We miss the connection but they certainly weren't spoiling us... . more like love bombing us.

It's important to cherish the sweet memories created with them but it's equally important to put the relationship into perspective. They are not well and they do not spoil us. They put us on a pedestal of unrequited love only to throw us off the Brooklyn Bridge once we show them that we're human. When we are on our way to healing from this experience we won't "miss" idealization because we'll know from experience that hell on earth will be the price we pay once "love's perfection" becomes shattered.

Spell

So very true Spell.

This reminded me of a moment when in the beginning he told me "I will do anything to be with you" and towards the end when i was staying at his house, if only he cared to ask if i had my lunch or food he said "what do you want me to do, treat you like a princess?" :'(