BPDFamily.com

On this forum, i have learnt that most of pwPDs usually move on quickly into r/s with another person.

This could be during the r/s when the non is unaware or after the break up, especially if they have dumped the non.

All of us here know the trauma the nons go through and grieving we do - and the time it takes to detach and move on.

1. Is it because we have not found another person as quickly as they have, that we feel stuck or our grieving seems like forever?

2. What if we had another person just like they found, what is the difference?

3. If they dumped : Was the break up actually 'sudden' decision or were they processing the stress, frustration while making an exit strategy, but pretending the pull-push to keep us in the game - all of which we were unaware of?

I ask this because;

A. My exbf broke up with me 5 months ago, but the pull-push went on for 4 months before the day he broke up with me - mercilessly and confidently.

B. He immediately went on NC from the next day. No calls , no messages. But told his friends thar he would receive my call if i called. (I discovered he asked his parents took look for suitors for marriage a month before he broke up with me)

C. 1.5 months later he met a girl and within 4 days they approved of one another.  Got engaged 1 month and 3 months later married. (social-cultural convention as it was arranged)

D. I am still struggling to find a 'good' guy. I met a few but they just don't seem right to me. I just feel any connection or even 'liking' towards any guy i meet.

Any thoughts on this?

It's like we were living parallel lives. These 2 strike a chord for me so strongly.

Your questions are quite valid. But i think we feel the intensity of the r/s higher than they do. Perhaps, they felt that they no longer needed us but as they feared lonliness, they kept us on stand by mode until the time we became their 'triggers' and they needed space.

Your questions got me thinking and analysing my situation more.

My ex moved on so fast I felt like a baseball player that was traded and forgotten about.  I can speak to #3 where I believe BPDs are planning an exit strategy long before we realize.  What's a surprise to us is merely the endgame of a discard scenario that's been playing out in their head and now mastered to their satsifaction.  All the while my ex claimed she wanted to "work on us", she was figuring out to be done with me.

BPD breakups are about trauma bonds. Our ex's fulfilled an emptiness or void inside of us and we in turn temporarily filled a void for them. Our grieving and mourning is not only from the breakup but also from ripped off unhealed scabs of shame and abandonment pain that lives inside of us.


If we had another person it could temporarily numb our pain from being abandoned by them but it wouldn't heal us of our heartbreak. Another person cannot make you forget about your abandonment pain or shame for long... . just like those with BPD.


The unraveling of the relationship is called devaluation which means there's the realization on their part that we indeed do have flaws and that we do not have the capacity to help them forget their disordered thoughts and feelings. The break up may seem sudden but more than likely our desire for intimacy and emotional maturity  triggers their engulfment fears and this is when push/pull starts happening. They often abandon us because they cannot bear the thought of us abandoning them first. They are filled with hidden shame and do not trust love or believe they are deserving of love. It's a nasty cycle.


Mercilessly and confidently implies intent and I don't think they're intent on destroying us as much as their disordered thinking causes them to behave in very hurtful ways towards us. Either way. Once their disordered feelings are triggered they'll do anything to project those feelings and thoughts on us because they cannot accept the shame of their pretzel logic.


When they go no contact they do often expect us to chase after them to see if we really care as much as we say we do. But once devaluation starts it's the equivalent of trying to put toothpaste back in the tube. It's an unraveling and a pattern that cannot be reversed.


Ok. So he's married. Does that mean he isn't disordered? Perhaps he feels that accepting an arranged marriage will keep his disordered feeling and thoughts at bay. But a marriage will not solved their mental illness. I know you feel abandoned but his marriage does not =healed forever. He's still the same pretzel logic guy you've experienced and he's unchanged without serious psychological intervention.


You may be jumping the gun a bit here in trying to move on so fast. Perhaps dealing with your own issues is what's best for now. You need to understand your part in wanting to be loved by someone who treated you so poorly. It's obvious that it all still hurts very bad for you; so continue to grieve & understand so you can come out of this stronger. The answer in your healing isn't finding a good guy. The answer is learning how to fall in love with yourself and learning how to give yourself unconditional love.

Spell