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It's been over a year and a half since I served my hwBPD divorce papers. Outside of my last year living with this man, this has been the most painful period in my entire life. Now my marriage of over 33 years is coming to a close with a soon to be finalized settlement and I can't stop crying.

I've lived with my sister during this time of separation so I could afford a good attorney and it has paid off as I fought for and am getting a decent buy out of our home. I now can move on, try to buy my own home, and start a new life. But I'm so fixated on the loss I can't celebrate this major milestone.

33 years is a long time and its okay to grieve the loss.   

It's not a loss.  You still stuck it out for a very long time, shared a bond with him, and that's something you'll always have.  Being able to stick to a marriage for years is a real accomplishment, especially with what you must have put up with.  But you can also remember the pain and control and how much he hurt you, and then maybe you will feel relief as much as loss!

It can help to try to see our choices as lamentable, but still positive. We found that we were trapped in unhealthy relationships that we could not repair. It was not our preferred choice to get out, but eventually it became clear that the choice was the best one to make. We need to accept our memories of the good and the bad and try our best to use them to help us make better choices in the future for ourselves and for those we care about.

Very good points everyone, thank you for your thoughts and hugs.

momtara, I think it is the bond I'm losing with him that I'm struggling with. Having him as a partner during good and bad for the majority of my life and then moving forward without him is difficult. Since we separated I think I've been fueled by anger and now it's settled into sadness.

Sadness because it was not repairable as rogerroger mentions even though it was not my preference to get out. I've had to accept that getting out of the destructive relationship is the only choice I have at this point even though sometimes I wish it weren't.

I keep thinking if only and what if but I'm only torturing myself. The bottom line is the relationship was painful and unhealthy and I do need to remember that I did all I could to salvage it and that it could never be enough.

Thanks catnap for reminding me it's ok to grieve

I feel that way too.  I am going through a divorce from a man who half the time was sweet and half the time would make stuff up and be verbally abusive.  It is very painful to leave.  I am getting more used to it though.  It's just that you should give yourself some credit and remember that 33 years is a long time and you do have some sort of bond because of that.  Be good to yourself.