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I was just thinking. I post when wthings are bad or a situation has me in a bind. I feel at tose times I'm at a loss and I'm have to find tools to cope and help with the 'rage'.  I feel like i'm am lossing even though I have support. That support helps me but doesn't fix the problem.  What happens when its all going right? Like right now... . She is in a loving caring mood. Its awesome... . or is it. I fear for the next rage but I welcome the calm soothing feelings. Infact I am a slave to them and I through all the fuel I can to keep that fire going and to keep the "rage" from coming back. 

I'm not doing anything for myself. I am just working my but off to try to keep the good going as long as I can regardless of what it takes... . I didn't step back to think about that before. If I stop fueling the good beast I will get the bad. I loose either way!

You are right--When a pwBPD is dysregulated (raging) there is no way to win.

As the computer said in the movie War Games way back when... .


If you leave the rage, you stop losing.

You need to figure out how to develop your own life.  I'm not saying don't speak to your wife.  I am saying that you cannot make keeping her happy your priority.  If you're responsible for keeping her happy, guess who is going to be responsible for the next rage.

How true... . The 80's weren't all bad :)

The rages were worst when I did so, so slowly intergrating our lives together have been bringing better results for me.  The process however has been shaky and slow but all in all better... . Rages have been down to a dull roar... . atleast for now... .

You need to do so again.  It will cause an extinction burst, but once you get through that, you'll be fine as she will learn that a rage won't get her what she wants.  Try it again.  It will be the best for you AND her.

I feel for you, Cipher13.  I'm on the receiving end of many rages as well.  It's very tough, and it does make you feel so stuck, right?

I used to think that I was responsible for my H's rages too.  And I would do everything I could to keep the peace.   Like you said, whatever it takes, right?  Yet in the end he still raged, and I was so depressed and scared all the time... . so what's the problem? 

The problem is, although we have to learn how to communicate better, our pwBPDs choose the way they communicate.  There are lots of people who are angry but don't rage.  Yet they chose that, and although they want to blame us, they can't.  It would be like claiming somebody "make" you kill them.  They have to responsible for their actions.

And they way they learn not to rage is by you not responding to that rage.  You leave, or you disengage, instead trying to "make everything better" for them.