BPDFamily.com

Long story short, my uBPD mom is coming for a visit tomorrow.  She will be in town for about 5 days.  I have worked very hard in recent years on boundaries, but in-person visits are always challenging.  She lives out of state and most of the time uses her waif/hermit qualities as reasons why she can't visit (while demanding I come see her) so I don't have to see her in person more than 1-2 times per year.  The distance and limited contact has helped me process my childhood more, define my identity and boundaries more, and feel a tiny bit of freedom from her all consuming enmeshment.  But for me, no contact isn't a viable option, so I have to deal with a visit once in awhile.  Here are my concerns:

1.  She is emotionally exhausting and I have an infant daughter that already takes a lot of my energy (but in a good way).

2.  She really tries to be as enmeshed with me as possible.  She gets most of her identity through me.  So the whole visit feels like having to protect my boundaries and myself from her very intrusive nature.  Things like, she will snoop through everything in the house and on my computer.  The entire visit she will need to know what I am doing every moment of day. She is like a high powered vacuum, desperately wanting to suck me dry.

3.  She often shows her full-on waif behavior during a visit.  She acts super dependent on me to do everything for her.  Things she is perfectly capable to doing herself.  "How do I use the computer?" "Hold the door open for me!" etc. My whole life has been spent being parentified and having to take care of her.  I am totally sick of it.   

4.  Her visits usually leave me trying to make sense of her behavior and communication for a long time afterward.  She is often subtle and complex in her toxic behavior, leaving me feeling bad but confused as to why.  It is like an emotional hangover.

These boards have been quite helpful in the last few months, finally finding people who understand these challenges.  Can anyone relate to these things or have any advice? 

Hi , When my Mother comes over I try to stay as busy as possible . I know 5 days is alot maybe you could eat out alot or get the carpets cleaned make lots of appointments . Be strong and we are here for you 

Finding Courage,

I know how you feel. Visits are tough.   What do you usually do when she visits? As far as snooping goes, can you lock your computer and keep her busy with planned activities? If she asks you to do stuff for her, sometimes it's okay, but if she's taking it too far, you can just laugh it off and tell her she can get the door. :)

Since it's exhausting, maybe you can plan a nap time, or invite a friend or two to come over. You're worth taking care of. If a friend were visiting, and you told the friend you wanted a nap, they'd be fine with it. Think like you were spending time with a friend. Hang onto the fact that you only have to talk about positive subjects that you like. If the conversation goes to something uncomfortable, you can just change it back, make a joke and say something like, "Aww sad topic, me want happy topic!" (lol that's how I would say it), or be serious and simply explain that you don't want to talk about that.

Hang in there. We're here with you through this. Sending you lots of caring and support.

Finding Courage,

I am in a very similar situation as you. Parents live abroad and I only see them 1-2 times a year. The distance, like you, is helping me process very difficult things that have insidiously crept into adult life... . it's very liberating to go to therapy and support groups and have the 'training time' to prepare yourself for visits like these. nevertheless, it still produces anxiety for me.

5 days can go by extremely quickly if you lay out a plan/schedule of sorts. some ideas: having friends/other people meet for dinner, go out for a movie, some kind of event happening around town, a trip to the mall (where you agree to go your separate paths and meet in a central location after a certain time), etc. All through out this, i'd encourage you to be in the driver's seat. protect yourself from the drama as much as possible. it is OKAY to include "me time" in your plan. early morning walks helped me tremendously when my uBPDmom visited (for 3 weeks!)

you have a lot of awareness and i tip my hat to you for that. bottom line is that i can certainly relate to you. what are some things you do to relax/center yourself?