BPDFamily.com

After going through the "Walking on Eggshells" workbook, I think I understand how my daughter in law developed BPD; but, I don't know how to cope with it and I don't know how to help my son cope and there are three lovely girls involved.  She has shown violent tendencies in the past towards children and is cruel to me at times when least expected.  My son doesn't know how to deal with her so he just continuously gives in to her demands.  I have encouraged him to join this website.  No where have I read anything about how to handle the situations when they spring up.  Do you stand up to the person or do you give in?  When I have tried to stand up to my daughter in law in the past it has brought on more tyrade back at me and spiteful acts.  I just don't know what to do or where to turn for help.

Hi, grana and  *welcome*

Having a DIL with BPD does make life complicated and confusing and even scary at times~~I do know what you are going through; my own DIL is (I do believe) undiagnosed BPD. Has your DIL actually been diagnosed? Is she in any treatment for it? Does your son see a Therapist? We actually do have a group on this site that posts about just what you are dealing with. When a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively everyone in the family system, including children, siblings, and in-laws. Senior members on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=7.0) board are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.

You actually have come to the right place to learn what to do, and reading the Message Board above, and checking out the Recommended Reading and Lessons posted at the top of that Board, will really help you. I have learned so much from this site regarding the tools available (TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth (https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict), Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0) and Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation)), that once I began to use them, my relationship with my DIL and my son got so much better!

The violent tendencies you mention do concern me; are her kids safe? Is your son? I think it would a good idea for your son to come over and read over here. If he does, you can direct him to this Message Board: Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0). The Lessons on the top of that page will help him very much... . You have come to the right place, grana   

 *welcome*

I'm sorry you and your family are going through all this.  It's amazing the chaos one person can cause so many people.


This is quite common, I'm afraid.  You stand up for yourself and try to defend your boundaries.  They FOG (Fear/Obligation/Guilt) you into not holding to your boundaries.  There are ways to stand up for yourself that can, but are not always, be more effective in dealing with a BPD.  I'd recommend you start here:

[L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Board (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=7.0)

There are pinned threads at the top of the board with workshops/info./etc.  Read through it.

And remember, you can only control you and protect yourself.  You can't control your BPD DIL's reactions.  Loving someone doesn't mean you have to let them hurt you.  It's okay to stand your ground even in the face of a BPD's raging against new boundaries.

What kind of violence has she exhibited?  Towards the kids and your son, or just towards the kids?

Warm welcome from me too. You are certainly not alone. my situation is similar. DS has ended relationship with dXDILtobe. The dramas are never ending and so hard when there is a gs involved, who is too young to understand or verbalise. Both DS and gs are living with us presently, and I notice the tension dealing with the ex in both. Easier for the grownup to deal with things than it is for the little one.

I worry myself stiff at times when gs is staying with her. He comes back and grizzles, is easily frustrated, irritated and then settles again into his pleasant self and relaxes. UNtil the next contact day.

I feel for you. Being the best gmother you can be is probably the greatest gift you can give to your grandchildren.

Lovely to have you here.

Hi Grana,   just want to let you know that your posting touched me.  I am so sorry for everything you are going through.  I am dealing with a similar situation with my DIL too. Anytime I get a response, it is comforting to know that some one else cares enough to respond and that they can feel some of your pain.  This site has been wonderful for me to know that there are others just like me out there, sadly, with the "same" story.  I check this website out too see what all I can learn from other people (like you) who are (like myself) going through tough times and circumstances.  Sorry that we have to have so much in common; but hopefully, we can both learn from the other one.

Grana, how did your son learn/find out/ or figure out that his wife had BPD?  That is very interesting to me that he would even know she has BPD.  I wish my son knew, but I don't know how he will ever figure it out.  I think they both think she is perfectly normal.  But I hope that someday my son will figure it out too so things will be better for him and our adorable darling grandson--and us!

I am like you, don't know how to handle the hurtful remarks and uncomfortable situations when they come out.  But one of the site Ambassadors, Rapt Reader, sent the following threads for me to read and study.  I have been scanning/reading all of them, but really reading Communication using Validations .  I think it might have some of the answers to your questions.  Maybe they will help you too.

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

TOOLS: Stop Invalidating Your Partner (or the BPD person in your life)

Radical Acceptance for family members

I am getting ready to see our uBPD DIL and I am worried about handling situations that WILL undoubtedly come up.  I think it will take lots of pain and practice before I will understand or know how to validate her.

Keep on keeping on, Grana, and if you need an ear, I am here.     Brown

Hi Grana!  *welcome*

Others have given loads of good advice.  The only thing I would add in terms of advice is to re-frame how you approach conflict with DIL.  Rather than seeing it as "standing up to" vs. "giving in" see at as "strategizing" and "doing what is best for me".  Sometimes, letting things go is best for you, because we don't always have energy to fight the major backlash that can ensue.  Sometimes we have to be strategic about how we approach our BPD's, and sometimes we have to just go into self-preservation mode and block them out completely.  That has to be difficult for you, since she has your grandchildren to use against you, which she no doubt has or will.  But do re-frame it, because "giving in" suggests that somehow you have failed if you choose not to engage her in a confrontation, and that is simply NOT the case.  With some BPDs (like my Mother) there is just never a time when it is beneficial to me or constructive to fight with her. 

I also wanted to say a huge thank you to you on behalf of your granddaughters.  My grandmother (actually my BPDmom's stepmother) is one of the only female role models in my life who was consistent and kind to me always.  I really admire her to this day, and although I couldn't talk to her much as a young person (thanks to interfering from mother) she is one of the few people I can talk to about mother today as an adult because she understands what I went through.  Keep being there for your son and grandchildren!  You are really doing them a huge service simply by demonstrating how grown women can and should act.