BPDFamily.com

I've deduced that starting back from HS, I've been involved with 3 (2 I believe for certain, 1 I am highly suspicious [HS GF]) borerlines.

Each one of them had some constant refrain which they would repeat to me every now and again, which i now see as also a major "red flag" phrase.

1st Borderline: "I still can't believe I'm dating you. Compared to you I'm just another face in the crowd".

2nd Borderline: (While pouting, usually after I would scold her for doing something bad). "I just want to be happy... . "

3rd Borderline: "My greatest fear is dying alone!" (greatest red flag of all time!)

So, what was your boredrlines catch phrase?

When she was happy: "I feel sorry for everyone who isn't us."

When she was depressed: "Why do you want me/are you sure you love me/why would you love me?"

i think you are strong enough to be my man... . frist date or when she would return

you mean every thing to me... . the month after the return

you cant fix me... . the two weeks leading up to the break ups

just know ill always love you... . day she would leave

eeash... . i guess i should have included idealization phrases... .


2nd Borderline: (often while tearing up) "Everything about you!"

3rd Borderline: "You're perfect... . " (Her phrases were almost cookie cutter borderline. Makes sense since shes the one that put me on this site!)

Withme it always was some version of: "You're never there for me"

I meant to say: In the case of my wife it was always some version of: "You are never there for me"

"You're my perfect"

"I'll love you in this world, the next world, and all the worlds"

"I'm a broken little person"

Idealization phase:

(Started after 2-3 weeks of dating)"I'm gonna marry the f*** outta you"

Not sure what stage this was but it was always in response to me being worried about other guys:

"You have nothing to worry about."

Break ups: lots and they usually involved her linking me with her vacant father.

"You just don't seem to give a ****"

"You're too much like my dad" (he left the family when she was 17).

"You never fight for me when others will" - she said this as the new guy came into the picture

"get your **** together"

"you just seem to be living in a dream world"

"all you want to do is travel" - my past travels were a huge trigger for her.

Her depressed and drunk:

-Always thinking she was dying

-Always thought she would die in her 20's

-Dying alone or dying before her husband

Why are you with me?

Turns out... . that was a brilliant question. 

I don't think you like me I think you like the idea of me

When are we going to get married? -- followed by a breakup

I wish you liked someone else

You mean the world to me -- always after she did things contrary

Why don't you like her? She's pretty!

Are you sure you like me? Are you going to leave?

I want the best for you -- followed by a breakup lol

"I've always given everything to everyone and never got anything or little in return".

Me757 - I forgot that one - she also said "You never fought for me!" just as her new girl came into the picture... .

I beat myself up for months, thinking "If only I'd tried harder"... .

x

"Why are you not tired of dealing with me yet?"  Or after silent treatment: "I thought you were tired of dealing of me".  

It's difficult to pick a phrase. But he said few common ones repeatedly.


Idealization:

"You are the best thing that happened to me" ( Sometimes he suffixed 'in the past 3-4 years' ?)

"You're my mate for life"

"I want to marry you and share every joy and tear with you. Period"

Devaluation/Discard:

"Your friends are more important to you"

"You have to go out every friday night, right"

"You enjoy every other place but being with me"

"Leave me and go baby, just like everyone else did" (would cry a river)

"You never protected me, you protected other guys first"

"What do you want me to do. I don't know what do you expect of me"

"Why should i talk, why can't you talk first"

"Oh, now i am a bad person is it?"

"I do not change my mind overnight"

mango_flower - mine said that to me after i caught her emotionally cheating. she could never be at fault no matter what.

"I love you so so much"

"As long as you are in my world, I am happy"

":)addy loves his daughter"  BTW, my ex was much younger than me  :)

when we first met

"i'll push you away"  red-flag

Always

"You never fight for me"

In the end after I broke it off

"you'll always be the one that got away"

When we got back together I was painted black and discarded for another... . some common themes here I must say

One that I remember most was that she would always say "I hate you so much!" when reconciling after a fight.  It was always said with a caring/sarcastic tone. I always thought of it as her way of saying "I love you".  But I think in retrospect, there was probably a bit of truth behind it.

The one that always makes me cringe is "It's on now!" That signified she was getting ready to fight... .

If I told a normal thinking person what you said / did, he would think you are insane.

Any ideas how you got to be involved with 3 Borderlines TF? Have you dug deep to analyze it?

Laughing :)  …I’ve just gone through two years of ‘deleted’ e-mail… from her  - Wow, everything below is a "copied quoat" and in chronological order.  The “!’s” are no doubt do to my exBPDgf’s co-morbid ‘Histronic PD’…  Enjoy :)

Feeling closer than ever -  Love you most! -  Count me in! -  Miss you! -  Awesome! -  Thanks for the memories. -  Did you ever stop to think, sweetie the reason my weekdays look filled is because I'm escaping the pain of us not being together 24/7?

I do this because I know we can't see eachother every day! -  Love you more -  I'm glad you're mine. -  I'm only a sex buddy. -  I hate when you ignore me and don't text me. -  I'm so hurt by your actions.

You just don't realize or care when you hurt me -  I was longing to sleep in your bed and you left me last night. -- I hate this f…… email bulls... . -  I'm so f…… hurt. -  I have f……. feelings. -  F... .

Thank you for all that you do for me. -  LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART ~  -  I want you here, but I'll be busy! -  Let me know what you think about that. -  And thanks so much for all you're doing for me. -  Love you so much! -  Cannot wait to see you later! Xoxoxooxoxox infinity!

I am done. -  Truly ~ We tried. -  Yes, I am struggling. -  I Love You deeply. -- I would hate to lose you as a friend -  I'll always hold a special place in my heart for you. -  Thanks for all you taught me.

Just thought I would check in and say hello. . .  -  Why can't we discuss in person?

Reflecting back on my past I think I too have some kind of a magnet for them. The four longest relationships I have had were with eerily similar women.

The first girl I "fell in love with" was in high school. She came up to me in the hallway one day and told me I was "so hot" and she wanted me. That day after school we went to my house and had sex. We were inseprable from day one until she dumped me almost two years later.

The second girl my friend found in a dance club. He was off somewhere in the crowd most of the night and at closing time he came back with these two chics. We and got a hotel and I had sex with her the first night. We lasted about six months.

The third woman was married and we carried on an online affair for about six months. I thought I had something real. I went to see her in another state and the sex was the most amazing I had ever had. As soon as I returned home she refused to talk to me.

The last one I was with for 12 years. We met online and hooked up for sex the next day. Shortly there after we became inseparable. I didn't think I wanted a relationship and told her that from the start. About a month into it she asked me why I touched her like I loved her. I tried to end it after she left. We were both in real low spots in our lives and we ended up attached to each other and were living together after about two months. Next thing I knew she was pregnant. In the name of "doing the right thing" I stuck with her.


There is definitely some underlying issue here for me. I am emotionally unavailable and I am attracted to emotionally unavailable naughty women. One thing that is crystal clear after all this is that if sex happens too fast you need to run for the hills.

I have definitely seen some similar quotes in all the posts.

"You never fought for me"

"Why don't you ever cry for me?"  This one came out after we watched a movie that made my cry early in the relationship and she was so livid that I had never cried for her before.

"If you loved me, you would... . "

"I'm afraid you are going to leave me." She said this one a lot and of course I did eventually. Very much a self fulfilling prophecy on her part. 

"You just don't get me." She would always say this one after I would ask her, "help me understand what you are trying to say so I can better understand what you need" This one always perplexed me because she would get so pissed off for me actually wanting to try and understand her.

This one was a kicker.  "If you would just do (insert activity) for me we would have much better sex."

The sex never got better.  She'd never want to do what I wanted to do.

While we see these as catch phrases they are in fact huge red flags that were ignored! Dig deep as to why you ignored the red flags!

Certainly have! I suspect mostly due to what happened to be a very chaotic family environment. My T is helping me dig through this. The first gf just kind of happened and i escaped it unhurt and unattached. second was also not a huge blow, ironically until long after we'd split, but still i maintained my balance. Third knocked me flat on my a$$.

None lasted more than 8 months. 2nd occurred waay after the first... .

Mix in that family mess with some very unfortunate situational circumstances and i can see how the latter two happened... .

Hmmmmm, except for the usual romantic stuff, these phrases seem to stick with me:

"A lot can happen in a year." (translation... . be ready for ANYTHING!... . Her two MARRIAGES before she even turned 25 y/o barely lasted more than a year. We only lasted for a total of 9 months. Apparently a year is a very long time for her.)

"Fake it until you make it" (I wonder just how much of her is/was REAL... . ? Now I realize she's a chameleon who can turn her feelings on a dime)

Borderline, the paradox of paradoxes!

I didn't know about BPD when we were dating, but appropriately enough he would say:

Out of sight, out of mind

Idealization Period:  "I want us to belong together for the rest of our lives!

                             "I am crazy about you!"

                             "We were meant for each other!"

                              "You are perfect; what am I going to do with a perfect

                               woman?"

Next Phase:            "I know you will leave me!  I know you will leave me!

                            ":)on't try to control me!"

Devaluation:           "You don't know how to communicate."

                            "You got water on my counter when you were doing the

                               dishes!"

                            "We think differently!  (He got THAT one right!)

Getting ready to cheat:  "I don't want you finding another man.  I want you

                                    all to myself!"

                                   "When it comes to other women, you have nothing

                                     to worry about."

                                    "You are the only woman I want!"

Breakup (after he cheated)    "Things changed, I thought what we had was

                                           enough... . she bowled me over"

Right after breakup:           "I'm very confused, but sure of one thing, I

                                         don't want you out of my life.  Would you still

                                         come here for dinner & watch movies with me?"

                                         Could we be best friends?"  (!)

After 4 mos NC by me:         E-mail:  "Can we be friends?  I am in a serious

                                         relationship, that being said not a day goes by

                                         I don't think about you & I have great affection

                                         for you & know I greatly undervalued you."

                                         

So he is in a "serious relationship" and not a day goes by that he doesn't think about me?  And his new woman does not know he is emailing me?  Yep, he got it so right when he said "we think differently."

                                         

Idealization:

It's like we're clones

I can't bear to think of you with anyone else (a few weeks after first date)

You're everything I've prayed for in a wife

You're so normal

I always think of what YOU would do when I have to make a decision

I don't think you realize how much I think you're perfect and I have you on a pedestal

Devaluation: (all said while VERY angry)

You're not all in

We're going to have a "cordial" relationship

I have to be the captain of the ship

The man has the final say, it's Biblical

"Oh, I would do ANYTHING for you!"

"I know you're planning to leave."

"I am what I am," said while chuckling, and with a twinkle in his eye. A friend of mine asked me, "what does THAT mean?"

Good for you and good to hear. Often when we haven't healed from our own wounds we tend to date those that are not right for us - and the dysfunction can get worse with each one.

Great to share some of those realizations you had in therapy TF. 22 posts til you can post on the Personal Inventory Board -  |iiii

Idealization Period:  "I want us to belong together for the rest of our lives!

                             "I am crazy about you!"

                             "We were meant for each other!"

Next Phase:            "I know you will leave me!  I know you will leave me!

                            ":)on't try to control me!"

Devaluation:           "You don't know how to communicate."

                            "You got water on my counter when you were doing

                            "We think differently!  (He got THAT one right!)

Getting ready to cheat:  "I don't want you finding another man.  I want you

                                    all to myself!"

                                   "When it comes to other women, you have nothing

                                     to worry about."

                                    "You are the only woman I want!"

Breakup (after he cheated)    "Things changed, I thought what we had was

                                           enough... . she bowled me over"

Right after breakup:           "I'm very confused, but sure of one thing, I

                                         don't want you out of my life.  Would you still

                                         come here for dinner & watch movies with me?"

                                         Could we be best friends?"  (!)

After 4 mos NC by me:         E-mail:  "Can we be friends?  I am in a serious

                                         relationship, that being said not a day goes by

                                         I don't think about you & I have great affection

                                         for you & know I greatly undervalued you."

                                         

So he is in a "serious relationship" and not a day goes by that he doesn't think about me?  And his new woman does not know he is emailing me?  Yep, he got it so right when he said "we think differently."

                                         

another thing I remember was when things were good it was OUR house, OUR car, OUR money and when she was upset it became HER house, HER car, HER money

What a great question:

Whenever I was busy or coming home late, she would switch into an almost little girl voice and say, "you are always busy, why are you so busy.  What you do is hurtful and makes me feel very sad."  This would happen almost anytime I was busy no matter how much we would be together. Another would be,: why don't you listen to me, you never listen to what I have to say."   This would occur whenever I did not audibly respond to a question fast enough.

Clearmind!

You insight underscores your experience.  Mine was the second borderline.  The first only lasted about 9 months.  I read the signs early, but it was how she made me feel that the did the trick.  She downright scared me and made it easy to lose my feelings.  NC was easy.  In my second case, we were together for three years , friends for seven.  I fell madly in love with her, hook, line sinker, reel and some of my arm.

I worked hard to make it work but always knew that the proof of the pudding would be when I traveled somewhere without her.  Without drawing out the story, it took about three short business trips for her to meet someone of facebook, breakup with me, and fly out three days later to sleep with him.

As for me, I was ripe for the problems.  I was abandoned as a child by my biological family and then "kidnapped: back when I was seven from my foster home.  While I dealt with it in therapy years ago, my breakup with this recent women, coupled with the classic trait of mine to want to feel special, exploded the abandonment issues from my childhood.  She crushed me.  On the positive side, my knowing the value of therapy and the skills learned there... . thus my decision to get help... . and this site, have helped me a great deal.

I went into this because you comment points out something we all need to look into.  Some of us are drawn to these kinds of people because of some aspect of ourselves.  As well, in that light, the nature of these relationships creates a deep bond which, when broken, is catastrophic. 

Anyway, I am grateful for this site and the insight people like you provide.

Whoops.  I forgot an important point in regards to my BPDso's sayings:  I also heard them, almost verbatim, when she talked about her parents.  They were "always busy," and "never listened to her."  I suspect that I, and her other lovers, have and will spend aliftime paying for this.

"You chose everything over me."/"I knew you would chose everything over me."

"God I hate you so much."

"You just don't get it."

"You're my everything."

:'(

You're totally right. It isn't only about us.

A few years ago we had a very rough period. During that period I mentioned a possible divorce. She reacted: if you are going to go for a divorce I will get really nasty.

Back than I didn't know about BPD, but she held her word (for once): allthough she was the one that initiated the divorce half year ago, she got REALLY NASTY. I never expected she could do this kind of things... . Another red flag I suppose.