BPDFamily.com

I have watched my grown up son cry as he hugged his two beautiful daughters because he has to let them come to me instead of be with him, he is afraid to leave his BPD wife on her own in case she harms herself!  And he is trying to protect his girls from what's going on at home!  I am so tired and scared!  I love them all so much!  I can look after the girls no problem  but cannot cope with my daughter in law much more!  This is killing my son and splitting my family!  At the end of my tether!   HELP!

Hi, Ma In law, and welcome... . I'm so sorry for the situation that brought you here, but happy you have found us 

When a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively everyone in the family system, including children, siblings, and in-laws. Senior members here are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.

It sounds really horrible what you and your son and grandchildren are dealing with; that would drive me crazy, too! Your family is lucky that you are there for them; is there anyone there for you? Husband, extended family, friends? Are you in therapy or considering it? This stress is too much for you to handle it alone, and your son is in the same position~~does he have a support system or therapist himself? Is your daughter in law diagnosed? In any type of treatment?

We are here for you... . Everyone who posts here understands your pain and frustration a and stress, and will be available to help. Continue to post and read and ask your questions, and we will be here to commiserate and help. Here's a start:

What does it mean to take care of yourself?  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=112473.0)

TOOLS: Ease your pain by reframing your thoughts (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=137440.0)

Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG” (https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog)

Please, Ma in law... . breathe, know you are not alone, let us help you 

Welcome Ma in Law - you will find tremendous support here. There's a treasure trove of reading material to fortify you, help your son find the courage he needs and provide the strength for seeing your GDs through this. It's so very sad when children are involved and have to bear witness to these kinds of behaviors.

IMHO, and this is just my two cents here, probably one of the best things you can be doing now is to stay as neutral as possible when discussing your DIL, the mother of the girls, especially when they are within earshot. That probably seems very basic but it's amazing how things like that go out the window when you're in the midst of a crisis. Be very mindful of and careful about people with whom you may share any details. My motto is if you can't say it directly to the person involved best not to say it all - I've learned that the hard way! Children overhear so much and they're likely craving some degree of steadiness, dependability and trust at this vulnerable time.

Best of luck and strength to you... .

MIL

A true showing of a mother's love that I commend you on.  Typically placing my child's needs above my own, I am just coming to understand so much information here.  I can admit that I have become a caretaker (of uBPDw) and need to re-establish my own emotional boundaries, but the first thing I did was check on my son's status.  I tried to inquire on the whole "walking on eggshells" thing, he's 12, and he didn't think he had to do that too often.  I also was able to explain some good things about validation, and even related it to some reality how we were watching last night where the lady and guy weren't getting along until one of them used a couple validations in a row.  I mention this because my 12 year old was able to grasp the immediate benefits of knowing what validation is and the power of using it.  You've done at least a little bit of research to arrive here, and you certainly love your son and family.  Best I could suggest is to keep the validations flying as much as possible, especially with the grand kids.  Unsure how in-depth you go with your son, but searching the terms caretaker or setting boundaries may help guide your next opportunity.  As a newbie here, I dont have all the tips and tricks for you, but keep searching and sharing and we can learn together.

Thank you for your shares!  As the adult son of an uBPD, it's so helpful to hear grandparents validating the reality of how destructive the BPD mother is in the lives of her children.  And I can't help but feel that the presence of loving grandparents will be a precious resource to your grandchildren as they grow in maturity and eventually come to understand the nature of their mothers' illness.

Best,

Calsun

Hey Ma in law,

Glad you found us but sorry things are so tough. You're not alone here. There are quite a few here who share your story.   I'm sorry that you have to watch this painful situation unfold for your son and your grandkids. Does your son have a long term plan for stability for the kids? How much contact do you have with your son and DIL?

There's a lot of information here in the articles and workshops. A few articles to get you started might be:

Video-What is Borderline Personality Disorder? (https://bpdfamily.blogspot.com/2010/09/video-what-is-borderline-personality.html)

How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children (https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles8.htm)

Keep posting and sharing, Ma in law. We care about you and know how you feel, and I know you will fit here. It gets better in time. Sending you lots of caring and support.