BPDFamily.com

Hi All,

I have been lurking through the 5 weeks of our separation, and I decided to post as I think I need support through this whole thing.  We were together for 4 years and were about to put the deposit on the venue for our wedding.  We had future plans, I bought a place and she lived with me.  I bought it for us, and while she struggled to find work, I took care of everything and thought I provided the stability she really wanted.  I didn't find out about BPD till after the explosion that lead her to leave.  Here is the story.

Both of us were very sexual, and we liked experimenting in the bedroom.  We had a happy and I thought stable relationship, but it seemed like the last 6 months, things were getting more and more strange.  Around her time of the month where the hormones were raging (this is what I thought it was at first), I'd say every other month she would get into a rage of sorts that a lot of times were violent.  I never got violent to her, but it did scare me.  I have pains in my shins still from 3-4 months ago when she kicked them extremely hard in a rage that I still don't know what caused it.  Anyhow, we had a threesome with a mutual friend (male), and things were fine.  We continued to hang out, it wasn't a big deal at all.  Looking back I now realize that it may have been more between the two, maybe an emotional connection, no idea.  So the rage that started the whole thing was because of some innocent comments I said to some friends who were over (threesome friend included).  She scolded and berated me in front of them and that was really embarrassing, and then went upstairs.  I waited a while and then went upstairs to talk as I wanted us to continue the night happy.  It didn't work out that way and she again got physical with me.  Not knowing this is the last thing you do with a borderline, I closed off.  I had nothing to say, I couldn't get her to hear my side, and I had told her that, I heard her, but had things to say... .   She was threatening to leave at that point, and she had been a little bit in the recent month or two.  So she went downstairs and confided in one of my friends.  I fell asleep upstairs and thought she may have left.  Before she went downstairs I said, I love you, and I will always love you, please don't go.  When we discussed it later, she claims I never said it... .   Anyways, while confiding in the friend that we had the threesome with, she ended up falling asleep cuddling with him and they were both topless.  I woke up to go downstairs and found them there on the couch.  My world had just turned upside down.  She was the one person I thought I could trust, and I have been cheated on before by a previous partner in the past. 

So we discussed it, I thought it was resolved, but she wouldn't show any empathy for my side.  Basically she said it is normal friend behavior, and that I shouldn't be upset at the friend, I should be thanking him because he made her stay... .   She also forced me to hear him out and accept his apology.  We argued a bit more about it but in a week everything was pretty much back to normal I thought. 

So I came home from work (I work out of town) and I asked if they had hung out or talked since.  She said no... .   I was totally okay if they had, I had accepted and forgiven both for what happened, and I know alcohol can make you do stupid things.  So I was like, well why would she lie about that, I am okay with it... .   Then I did something I never do, I don't know why I did it, but I did.  I checked her text messages and they indeed did hang out.  When I confronted her on the issue, it wasn't an apology for lying to me, it was an attack against me for checking her phone.  I said, if you can't tell me all the truth even if you think it will hurt me, I can't do this.  We are done.  I was not myself at that point, she had seriously struck me where it hurt the most.  I walked out for a quick walk of a few minutes to cool down, and when I got back she was gone.  She wouldn't answer my texts, she wouldn't take my calls.  I was very worried, and I needed to know she was safe as she made suicide threats in the previous week.  This pushed me over the edge, and made me do things I never thought myself capable of.  I then made my own threats of suicide (I am so ashamed), and eventually she came back.  The threesome friend picked her up from wherever she was and came home.  He was picking her side, not trying to allow us to try and talk it out.  We went upstairs and actually made progress, but he wouldn't leave and he kept calling her down.  She wanted to stay and try and work this out, she said we both need counseling.  I think he convinced her to leave with him that night.  I haven't seen her since.  I do know she stayed at his place for 5 or 6 days, and then she went to her parents place out of state.  I've only gotten an email from her and a few texts and one FB conversation.  She ended up blocking me on FB.

So here I am, I tried to contact her a lot during the first few days, then it has slowly subsided, and now I am really trying no contact.  A lot of her personal and important things are still here, and after one of the emails saying I want to move on if she can't even talk to me, she had her dad contact me in regards to her stuff.  Her dad's email was very passive aggressive, and I didn't appreciate it.  I waited about 8 days or so, and decided that I should send one final email.  It simply stated that we are both adults, I would like you to have your stuff back, but please contact me directly to make arrangements.  It has been about 4 days since she read that email, and nothing, not that I expected her to reply anytime soon. 

So here I am.  I am in therapy myself, my grandpa passed away as well about a week into this, and I am trying to make myself move on, but every night I have nightmares and wake up longing for her.  I have made great progress in recovery.  I am back at work after taking a week off, I am taking care of myself, and some days I am really happy.  Other days, I wouldn't say I am sad, but just missing her.  I think I'd be willing to try it again with the tools I have learned on sites like this, and if she'd consider going to therapy (couples and individual) like she said the night she left.  I know it would be a struggle, but the good times were so good.  And my logical part of my brain says, yeah, but the bad times will get worse as time goes on... .

So when she left, she said I need some space.  She also said things like I hope we can fix this, but I just don't know how... .   I haven't gotten closure (and I may never get it), and I don't know if she has actually made a decision not to try again as she hasn't told me.  I also suspect, but can't confirm that my ex friend may be her rebound... .   She doesn't have a job, she is living with her parents now, and I know she gets extremely discouraged looking for a job.  So moving on and finding a place to live on her own will be a tough struggle for her.  I don't want to simply be the more convenient option though. 

At this point, what do I do?  I am thinking of packing her stuff and putting it out of sight for now to help me heal further.  I also eventually want to have a discussion with her about things.  I know I made mistakes, and I know that discussion will be blaming me mostly, but I also know that she started the whole chain reaction (which I guess would most likely be discussed if we ever get to therapy).  So if I'd like to reconcile, what is my best course of action... .   No contact?  Heal myself, which I am doing... .   And move on as best as I can, and if she gets in touch with me she does?  I really was a good partner in that relationship.  Anyone else have a similar experience?  I really hope to try again.  Thanks for reading.

Sorry to hear what you're going through.  It sounds like her mind started venturing once the long-term commitment (marriage) started to near.  Then she started to develop an emotional connection with your mutual friend and then you allowed her to have a threesome.  2 guys + 1 girl isn't the normal threesome, so perhaps it was you trying to satiate a need of hers?  And perhaps she was thinking who in their right mind, wanting to be with someone forever, would allow a threesome?  What if the next time he wants it with another girl?  In the end, however, she seemed to be fighting feelings for two people and decided to end it with you.

I'm quite sure this is even BPD because if she was "stable" for 4 years then most likely it would have surfaced sooner.  BPD usually stems from childhood trauma so knowing more about her FOO would help. 

Well I wouldn't say it was stable, I would say we worked through the issues we had.  After moving out to my state with me, I had started noticing things in her I had never seen.  The violent mood swings, the depression, her bottomless list of needs.  She was a cutter (scars), I think she may have even cut herself to make sure her ex didn't leave her at one point.  Of the 9 symptoms, she has 9 of them.  I think she knows she is a borderline as well, but hasn't told anyone.  This is based on some writing of hers I found while cleaning up. 

FOO... .   I don't know too much about them.  I know her upbringing was tough as her parents decided to be missionaries at a young age for her and move her to Africa.  Some have suggested this seeing the light may be repentance for abuse toward her.  I know that her parents aren't emotional and don't show love or affection for each other at all.  Based on what I read, I have no confirmation, but sexual abuse as a child seems likely, which is the true tragedy here.

The two guys one girl threesome was both of our ideas actually.  Yeah, I've fantasized about both options, but I leaned toward this one.  I am not sure why, just giving my girl more sensual pleasure turned me on.  Anyways, this really isn't about my fantasies.  lol

I can say that we started seeing eachother when her and her ex weren't separated just yet.  She played the victim role so well, and I fell for it.  I am sure she is doing the same thing right now with my friend who is blinded by her seduction.  I was nothing but good to her, he knew that, he knew about her uncontrollable rage at times, but I guess he will have to learn for himself.

She also had the irrational fears of abandonment at all times.  She has been married before and was really pushing for marriage all the while.  All my friends tell me I dodged a bullet, but I still can't help but miss her. 

As for it being somewhat stable for 4 years, maybe I was implementing without knowing, the tools and boundaries I read about.  I don't know.  I am a strong driven person, and until the end, I let her know her behavior wasn't acceptable.  Her bottomless needs, her sometimes crazy interactions with me, the violence, etc., did wear on me at the end.  And I showed a moment of extreme weakness, and that was that.  She didn't make sure I was okay, she didn't show any empathy, she just left potentially with the encouragement of the friend. 

So does anyone have input how to best handle this to at least keep the door open if she decides she has made a mistake?  I at this point am not sure if I'd want to try again.  I'd have some pretty strict boundaries and requests to make if I decided to do it.  Would it be different or end differently rather?  I am not sure, but there would be big changes.

To me it seems like she is wanting me as the backup, and she hasn't let go of her life here.  She is making not making a real attempt to get her stuff back, she is also interacting with my friends on FB I am being told.  Liking pictures, etc. 

I am willing to accept her as a whole person.  I'd really like to try again, but that may not even be an option at this point.  I'd also like her to heal even without me so she can stop the self sabotaging she has done all her adult life.  Again, thanks for any suggestions.

Welcome JetA12 - sorry to hear all this. Many of us have been in your shoes.

Its difficult to do anything about reconciling if she is not returning your calls/emails etc. Packing up her things and sending it to her parents place maybe an option. Its possible she may contact you again out the blue - I guess you may need to decide what you want rather than put the power in her hands to decide.

How are you going now?

i also was with a waif, and had a strange sex life with her many things she wanted that ended up making her feel bad were blamed on me.

i know it sucks to never know when and if they will contact you. my ex and i did the recycling thing every 3 months for 6 years not matter how or what i tried she always left and i always let her come home.

i think she is really done with me this time it broke my heart but its out of my control. i can see it was a hity way to live but it was all i knew.

healing taes times like they say her finding yourself again helps alot

Thanks for the replies.  It has been almost a month of no contact and it is feeling much better for me.  I honestly don't want her back right now, but I can't help but feel jealous that someone close to me is now getting to spend time with the girl I fell in love with (good portions since it is early in the relationship).  The jealousy is a bit tough still, but other parts are much improved. 

My emotional stress is more about the lack of having support at home when I am home.  The things she helped me with were great as I work quite a unique schedule.  Anyways, I have decided to put her stuff in a storage unit, and then give her that information so she can go get it.  I really just want to move on at this point, and I know the cycle will continue with other guys, but for me, I deserve better.  I don't want a relationship where I am physically abused and emotionally exhausted from trying to take care of her needs.  While I wish she'd go get therapy, I know that isn't up to me, and she'd have to do it herself because she wants to.  And I know if I tell anyone close to her such as family, they'll either deny it or the info will fall on deaf ears.  It isn't my concern anymore, and with that realization as well as actually believing it, I am making progress.

What also helped me, is her journals were left here when she left in a hurry.  I was really lost, and I wanted to try and understand her thoughts.  I read a few of them, and I can't imagine the pain that these people experience.  It was a glimpse into a world I would never know.  She even admitted to herself... .   "I'll make him fall in love with me, then I'll hurt him, I always do."  Granted this is not about me, but the pattern seems to repeat itself.  I think she has self sabotaged all her serious relationships.  Reading really showed me she has no idea who she is, which is so sad.  Or that she doesn't know why a partner is enough for her at first but then a void develops over time.  It was really bad with her exhusband before me, and it was on the way there at the end of my relationship.  If cheating didn't happen, it was about to.  I know there were many affairs in her marriage, I thought I was the only one, but learned in the books it wasn't the case.  Some of these people I knew and worked with as well.  :/  While I blame BPD for a lot of this behavior, people still have to be held responsible for their actions, and as much as sometimes I think about what would it be like if we tried again, I know now I will never try again with her.

For me, I've been out on a few dates, connected with old friends and family, and have found myself being just so happy!  Happy alone!  It can be done everyone.  And get out there and meet people, even just as friends.  You'll realize that the world is filled with great people who don't mistreat you.  We will be better off in the long run!  My career has taken a change for the better, other events have set me up well.  I still have moments of tears yes, but they are getting less and less frequent. 

In the end, I know who I am still.  I am a very loving, loyal person.  I have my own hobbies, interests, I love teaching my passions to others.  I am a good listener, very understanding, and I have grown emotionally through this whole ordeal.  I now no longer let the small stuff in life bother me as I know what true excruciating pain and stress feels like.  I have better things to do with my energy than bhit about the small stuff.  I am dedicated and very strong mentally.  You don't really know how strong you can be till you have dealt with a breakup like this.  I have learned how to truly forgive too.  I don't hold a grudge against her for what she put me through, and I really do hope she finds happiness in life as I don't think she has ever felt real honest healthy happiness ever.  Feel sorry for your ex yes, but feel sorry for yourself first, and rebuild the better version of you.  "The best form of revenge is self improvement."

So yeah, I am doing much better.  The situation is still unbelievable at times, but I laugh about it sometimes too.  Two people who told me how loyal they were and how important that was to them.  They both show each other how disloyal they are, and then base a relationship on it?  Good luck with that. 

Thanks for reading.  I am glad it happened now and not after the wedding or after kids, because she was pushing really hard for that, and I have the means to make that happen.  The idea of her will always have a place in my heart and mind I think, but when I find the right partner I'll know it is real and not just a seduction/fear of abandonment game.