BPDFamily.com

Hi. I've known my BPD Bf since we were in high school. We didn't date then but met again as adults. At first it was everything you could dream of- the attentiveness, the adulation... . then the rage. Sudden fury which seemed to come out of nowhere. He'd get into this thing where he would latch on to something I said which  "caused" it and since it seemed innocuous to me, I hadn't committed the comment to memory. That takes us down a road of accusations that I'm not paying attention and that leads to that I don't care. Eventually it spirals down to that I'm lying. I get very flustered when he is yelling and expecting me to remember each word of dialogue, and that makes him even more furious.

So it ended the  first time. We tried again the next year. He contacted me briefly when he was going through a crisis,but I was still wounded from the previous go-round and tried to be supportive as I could without getting sucked in. This year we reconnected online and via the phone, and it was going well. He was actually acknowledging that he was difficult. Last night we were talking on the phone and It Started- he got furious because I said that I couldn't wait to see him(we live a decent distance apart and had spoke about meeting up next month). That devolved into a denunciation about how if I really wanted to see him I would have sent a detailed itinerary and actual invitation to him, and since I didn't, that allegedly told him all he needed to know. To a non BPD person I would say that I didn't think he was serious when he said he wanted an invite- I thought that "I would really like you to come here and visit me on such and such a date" was sufficient. But I know that if I said that to him, a firestorm of invective would ensue.

I'm not sure what is "safe" to say to him to help him understand that I do deeply care for him and understand he's upset, though I really don't get what upset him. Any thoughts?

My thoughts are why? Why do you want to invest so much of your energy into a person who is mentally disordered? I'm looking at you and feeling sick, because you are me 37 years ago! My H and I were high school sweethearts. If I had known then what I know now! I would have gotten out and stayed out at the first rage! But I didn't know he had an illness that is virtually incurable. I loved him. I was being idealized and didnt know it. i just thought he loved me that much. then I was devalued and became the stupid, idiot. He told me I had to "help" him with his temper. Just because they realize they are being difficult doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I stayed and I can't say it was a waste of time, being married to him for 35 years. We had some good times and we have two amazing kids. But unfortunately our daughter exhibits some BPD traits as well. She had a great teacher. I didn't have the tools to navigate through and spent many years in the FOG! I was depressed, broken and confused for most of our married life! It is not easy! Please make sure this is really what you want. If not, there are so many other men who would be worthy of your love and attention. And you could have a more 'normal' relationship.

Linlu 53 said exactly what I was thinking. You know something that it took others of us decades to figure out. Use that information and find out about yourself and why you would ever want to settle for a relationship that is simply impossible for someone with BPD to have. We can't teach you the lessons we have learned. You have to choose for yourself but let me tell you it is a very hard road and an even harder one to get off of once you get to far.

I agree with Itul and Linlu53.  I have been in a relationship for about 8 years to a BPDw and knowing what I know now... . you wouldn't have seen me for the dust kicked up as I was leaving.  Since you are smart enough to be here on this site shows your rational mind trying to tell you something. (You should listen)  We had an affair from long term marriages and thought we could live on love and sex.  That was something we both felt were were desparately missing in our former marriages.  We felt we connected on so many levels, but now I am in this disordered relationship and am trying to get out of it... . and it is a mess.  Luckily we have no children together so I would recommend that before there are children, material posessions etc... . I would think that you should do yourself a favor and withdraw from the whole situation.  Then! I would recommend that you do a little reflecting and try to come to terms with why you would want to put yourself in a situation that has already shown itself to be unstable. (?)  I believe that all of us "non's" must have some amount of codependency or our rational mind would engage and we would never end up in these relationships. 

 

Good luck either way but if you chose to be in a relationship with him, most of us here know how it most likely will progress.

Its tough,

Hanginon