BPDFamily.com

Just a little update.  My BPD told me a couple days ago that she wanted to spend today with some friends.  Just a "ME" day for her.  She was feeling "smothered" by me.  So this morning when I dropped her off for work she laid out boundaries with me.  NC for the day.  I said no problem I would not call text, not even anything on Facebook.  So I'm enjoying my day just playing games online with my friends, yes still thinking about her all the time, but resisting the urge to text or anything.  Out of the blue she sends me a text saying "I just want to let you know I love you."  So I'm thinking to my self "self, I sense you're screwed here now.  If you respond you're going to hear about how you're not suppose to send her anything and if you don't you're gonna hear about how you were probably out screwing around and that's why you didn't respond." I am thinking I'm not going to respond, however, I'm not going to allow myself to be attacked either.  I will remind her that she is the one that set the limit and while I enjoyed the fact she sent me a text, she is the one that broke the NC and that I stayed by the original agreement.  Also I will set the limit that if she is going to accuse me of doing something wrong then I'm not going to participate in the conversation and will choose to sleep in the other room.  Does this sound like a good way to handle it?

It's always a test with them... . Double edged swords and catch 22's.  :)W pulled the same thing last night... . wanted girl time and felt smothered by me but the last time we went out seperately she fumed for three days because I went out too and felt that I was trying to show her up.  Brought that up with her last night and was met with " you just don't get it do you", to which I replied... . Why do you feel that way... . and then I got silence/no reply.

Yes, just beware of your "tone" and attitude. It needs to be positive, not confrontational.

A simple smiley or heart icon response, just to show you read the message, and not out doing "stuff", but not imposing questions or interaction on her either

No answer can have anything read into it.

She would probably assume that you did it just as payback, as it can't be about you, but must be about her.

Not assume... . That was her exact reply... .

So I got what expected. I reminded her that she made the rule that I wasn't suppose to text her. It actually blew over quite quickly which probably means it will be brought back up again at a later point. Its getting to the point where I'm gonna have to politely yet firmly assert my boundaries. Remind her that I'm not her emotional punching bag just not in those terms.

Exactly what I'm doing now... . and also actually being confrontational and to my surprise really seems to be working better now.  Example... . atleast 3 times a week DW says that we should seperate for awhile to regroup for lack of a better word.  I use the tools etc. but that only seems to encourage her and nothing seems to be going in a positive direction.  However, this morning, finally tired of doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results finally said... . " You're right, me and the boys should go to my parents and give you some me/girl time for a week or so... . without so much as a stutter she replied... . "why would you want to do that?"  "I can deal with this and you don't need to do that."  In other words... . PLEASE DON"T LEAVE!  The flip in her attitude, demeanor and constitution was instatanious. 

That was just her assumption though. It wasn't the real reason or the tone in which you you did something for yourself was it?

It was to achieve balance in the relationship.  I much rather spend time with her rather than friends but she feels engulfed so I spend it alone or with friends.  However that did'nt work as planned either because that makes her angry.  The next time I stayed home and watched TV... . she got mad at that be cause I movved the big screen into the bedroom and did not watch it in the living room and also she got angery because I watched a movie with out her but it was a movie that she never wantd to watch previously... . well you all know the logic/illogic, etc,etc,etc... .

Yep, she got angry because she felt angry, subject matter is not really important just an avenue to express anger.

Sometimes you just have to let it wash and not sweat the reason, because you wont know it and can't fix it.