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Identifying and Achieving Personal Goals

Many of us have come here feeling as though we are simply adrift in our lives. We work hard in recovery and we sometimes find it difficult to focus on what we want in this life we are living. A good way to find our direction is to set goals for ourselves. Asking ourselves what is it that I want? What do I want to do?

Setting goals can help us redirect our focus back on ourselves. It is a powerful process for thinking about your ideal future, and for motivating yourself to turn your vision of this future into reality. Asking yourself are my goals realistic? Are they attainable? Knowing that if you want to sail around the world, there will be plenty of preparation to be completed prior to achieving this one!

Here's some helpful advice I found from The University of Wisconsin:

One of the easiest ways to motivate yourself is to set goals for what you want to accomplish. Goals are more likely to be achieved because you will be able to clearly picture how great it will feel to achieve the goal. The best goals are those that are necessary, push you to learn new skills and will enrich your life as well as the lives of those you know.

Some strategies and tips on how to set goals that you will be likely to achieve follow:

"HARD" Goals

Heartfelt: Your goals will enrich your life and those around you.

Animated: You can vividly picture how great it will feel to achieve your goal.

Required: Your goal is necessary to achieve what you want in life.

Difficult: You will have to learn new skills, make sacrifices, and you may have to step outside your comfort zone to achieve your goals.

Benefits of HARD goals

1. They force you to overcome self-imposed limitations.

2. Allows you to focus on something bigger than your immediate wants.

3. Research suggests that the harder the goal, the higher your performance.

Have a support System

Having a support system will keep you from feeling as though you are going through this alone.

Common sources of support:

Family

Friends

Co-workers

Make sure you keep in touch with these contacts

If you need help, ask.

If someone else needs help, attempt to help them.

Benefits of having a healthy support system:

Alleviating stress

Increase your confidence and esteem

Decrease feelings of loneliness and isolation

It’s fun!

Additional Tips for Success

1. Make the time to write down all your goals — large and small

2. Break your big goals down into small goals

3. Make time every day to work towards your goal

4. Remind yourself of your goals every day

5. Look over your goals every week

6. Are your goals all still relevant?

If you did not make any progress with a goal, identify the obstacle

Add or modify goals to keep your list as up to date as possible

Tell others about your goals so you feel more accountable

If possible, see if you can meet others with the same or similar goals

Cross off the goals as you accomplish them

Reward yourself every time you accomplish a goal

Savor the feeling of accomplishment once you complete a goal — you did it!

How can setting goals help us?

It directs our focus to ourselves and can give our lives a positive and healthy direction.

As we identify and set our goals, starting with smaller goals working up, each achievement build self confidence.

We become more accountable for our own successes.

What are your goals?

Have you found "the process" of setting goals helpful to you in your recovery?

Have you been able to work through your obstacles?

Ah, you have brought focus to a weak spot for me.  I have trouble setting personal goals.  I have trouble identifying what I want... . so it is hard to imagine it and establish a plan to achieve it/them.  But, I feel the challenge!  It does/will force me to confront myself and unleash my own desires.

I do address this issue tangentially by setting goals for my business. It is less personal for me and I can establish goals by applying reason... . what is appropriate for this business at this stage in its development. But, it is inherently not personal, so I know I am avoiding what I want. 

I am very much looking forward to reading the responses and seeing the goals of other people.  I am hoping it will challenge me and inspire me in positive ways.

I attended a service this morning that is the beginning of a summer 'series' on the modern family.  They showed 2 videos - the first of a family in our day and age, trying to set goals regarding communication - ie. the mother setting a boundary of no cell phones, PC's or TV for a week.  The father was reluctant and misguided in his support of the mom, and the kids were ruthless.  The 2nd video was from Leave it to Beaver where the father set the boundary, Beaver was respectful, the mom totally supportive, and the brother admiring Beaver's strength.  Very different pictures, and one where the overall thought was - what is the ideal family? 

Now, I am single, and so I have no family of my own, but the Pastor did address this as what is it that you want - if and when you do get into a relationship, and what deciding factors are there for you choosing a mate?

So, a goal of mine is to really dig in and figure this out.

One thing that was discussed is not compromising because it is hard to attain the ideal.  I agree.  I feel I am there now, and however it may make finding a partner more difficult, I feel it is the right thing to do.  Find one not out of desperation, but because this person is one who is willing to work towards an ideal.

I like the specific goal hints, and definition of Hard Goals.

This year I set four intentions for myself, a bit like goals, and when I examine them I see that they are indeed Hard Goals, and also that I could look deeper into the obstacles. It makes total sense that my 'stuff' gets in the way of my goals, and that the more I work through this stuff, the closer my goals will become.

Hhhmmm, good food for thought!

Love Blazing Star

Great timing for this one.  Thanks, Suzn!

Goals at home are going reasonably well.  Now I need to make some forward progress on my professional goals.  I suppose that perhaps I had to get one under control before I could really focus on the other.  Somewhat like Maslow's hierarchy of needs:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs)

Interesting link to Maslows pyramid.

Me too learned about this theory back in school. After being in a abusive r/s I don't believe in it anymore.

I will explain:

Maslow's theory suggests that the most basic level of needs must be met before the individual will strongly desire (or focus motivation upon) the secondary or higher level needs. After being 10 yrs with a BPD-w and have been broken down emotionally I really don't have the urge to begin at the bottom of the pyramid.

I feel I have to work from the top, working my way down. An example: is it possible to experience real sexual intimacy (after been abused for many years)  -which is in level 3-, without certain aspects of level 5 (self-actualisation, like fact-acceptence).

I think I'm on the right way. How do others feel about this?

This is a good topic VeryScared. I would love to see you start a thread in regards... .

What goals have you set for yourself?

Sorry for going off topic 

My own goals? Really haven't given them much thought like in this topic. Past months for me were about learning about BPD, which shifted to learning about me and why I was and staid in this abusive r/s.

I guess the coming months for me will be about the following goals:

- Learn not to worry about things that can't be changed (a big financial catastrophy is hanging above my head due to the divorce. I know I can't change it, but it sickens me sometimes. My goal is: don't worry, time will tell).

- Use the lessons from the past r/s to define what I want to change about me and how I am going to do that.

- Feeling better about myself, by knowing that I'm worth it. To reach that, I'm will try to open up more, build my self-esteem by work-out more (minimum 2 times a week) etc.

- Try to understand my feelings about others. See https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=205531.0 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=205531.0)

Even though I have a B.A., I enrolled in a community college for a vocational certificate to assist me in jumping into a new career. Will it work? I don't know but it's a hard goal or steps in a hard goal.

A relative of mine suffered a stroke and although recovered fairly well physically, it took two years before she was 'engaged' with life in all its fullness.  I've had friends suffer bereavement and again it was a couple of years before they 'came back'.

I've been beating myself up recently for not being further along the road than I am but decided that, given the trauma I've experienced, it was maybe OK for me to tell myself that it would be two years before I feel whole again.  That gave me permission to feel the lows without feeling pathetic and also to work towards the things that will allow me to realise my vision of how my life will be in two years.

I find it quite hard to be clear about what I want my life to be like and I know that this was part of the problem in my relationship (and other relationships).  I tend to be seen as very easy-going but now I wonder if I just don't really know what I want!