BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone,

I need some advice ASAP.  To give a quick context, my BPDMom has a Dx and is currently in an in-patient program for her eating disorder.  The BPD Dx is 12 y/o, the eating disorder is 15 y/o.  Her T had a meeting with me, my husband and Mother to "explain" to me what having an eating disorder is all about (not needed for me, but went to show her support).

Mother says she is harboring feelings of guilt about something to do with me (which she will not disclose to me in advance, of course) and she needs help to discuss it with me, my husband and T again.  This will apparently help her recover (again) from the ED.  In order for this to happen, I would be asked to have ANOTHER meeting alone with T to help "determine my boundaries" so as not to cause me any additional trauma.  I told Mother I would think about it. 

Here are my initial thoughts:

1) This feels like a trick

2) I feel used

3) I am curious and a little part of me still wants to try and grasp at anything that might help our relationship resemble a normal one

4) I feel guilty for not being immediately willing to do the meetings, like I'm causing her to feel guilty

5) Yet again, another T that doesn't have my best interests in mind trying to "protect" Mother from pain, while she caused me soo much pain as a child.  T is not likely to respect my feelings or boundaries as her T's have not in the past. 

Does anyone have any thoughts about whether or not these meetings are a good idea?  Is anything evident here that I am missing?  I need to either confirm or cancel within the next two days.  Thanks so much for your help everyone.

If you feel you must go take your therapist with you. One who has your best interest in mind.

Hi Jetsfan,

I hope it's not too late for a response. I understand you being suspicious of the scenario, as us children of BPD's are used to being manipulated into allowing our parents to emotionally suck us dry. You mention that this will "cure" her eating disorder again, so I'm assuming you've been through a similar situation with her in the past?

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to decline this meeting. It's making you very uneasy, clearly. I think that's a good indication that you feel your boundaries are already being violated - perhaps because you've been through this before, and you suspect your mother's motives are not really to do with an eating disorder. Perhaps she's after attention, sympathy etc. I obviously don't know you or your mother so I can't say she's faking an eating disorder but it sounds to me you may be suspicious of the setup.

Why do you feel it may be a trick? From an outsider perspective, I do find it a little odd that your husband would be invited. Shouldn't she address such an issue privately with you, perhaps with the T present as well? Or maybe you are comfortable having your husband hear anything she may have to say?

Therapists do have their own patients needs as priority, so I think you are somewhat correct to feel that the T may not have your best interests at heart. Do you have your own T you could discuss these issues with? Maybe you could meet with your mom's T first, as suggested, and see how you feel after that about meeting all together.

Best of luck.

Cleotokos,

Thanks for your observations. 

My thoughts on it being a trick is that in the past, Mother has ambushed other family members in meetings like this one.  That being said, I don't think that's going to happen this time.

I'm actually glad my husband will be there, because he is a great support to me. 

You definitely hit the nail on the head with respect to discussing it with my T.  I have an appointment tomorrow morning.  If I can make a good plan in which I feel safe, I'll go through with it.  If not, no meeting.

Thanks again!

Jetsfan, I'm glad that you have a plan to follow. I think often BPD parents train their children to go against their gut instincts in many situations, which leads to the confusion and not really knowing what is the right thing to be feeling or doing. I guess this is how it happens that we don't know where appropriate boundaries should be. Good that you have the support of your T and your husband to help you through.   |iiii

Hi JetsFan,

That would be a tough meeting. I hear your reservations and the fear that you're being used. I would feel very hesitant too, were I in your shoes. So the first thing I would say is please don't feel guilty for mulling this over. You've been traumatized. It is okay to take care of yourself and make sure that you are up for this.

As you say, there are pros and cons. On the one hand, you express wanting to preserve your relationship with your mom. Perhaps listening to her could help that. On the other hand, you're going in without knowing what's up. That's a vulnerable position, and so I see why it's scary for you.

Do you know why she feels guilty? I guess I'm just wondering if she's blaming you, or feels bad about how she's treated you, or what. I'm glad you would have a plan from your T and that your husband would go with you.

Let us know how it goes with your T.

Maybe instead of a separate meeting with any therapists, send an email of your emotional boundaries or "Bill of Emotional Rights" to the therapist.  Ask T "how would mandating my presence be assisting the true patient here with taking responsibility of her own feelings/perspectives, as well as the responsibility and consequences of her feelings/ perspectives/actions?"  If the therapist can answer that AND promise to uphold your emotional boundaries, I would be leaning on giving it a go.  Otherwise, you have the right to protect your emotional boundaries, and a right not to take on her issues / obligations.

It's good you're meeting with your T--hopefully that will help you decide which way to go.  |iiii

You're not obligated to go to your mother's T session. If you're inclined to go, it sounds like your husband will be there to support you. If not, that's ok too.

Could your T talk to your mother's T? Maybe that would help clarify what role you'd have in your mother's treatment.

YOu have received some good advice here JetsFan.

Along with Moms dx and personal issues, we, as adults kids of a BPD parent have our own innate issues. Mine was certainly one of trust - I didn't trust myself, I didn't trust anyone. I felt I had to be on guard constantly for fear of being victimized and made to feel vulnerable.

In time, I work with those vulnerable feelings, embrace them, proceed with the knowledge that I now have the personal power and ability to set strong boundaries to protect myself if things go astray.

I can completely understand your hesitation - trust that you have the tools to protect you. You cannot be abandoned and hurt like you were when you were a kiddo.

Remind yourself which emotions are those of Little Jets and which ones are Big Jets.

Can I ask what your definition of support is?