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How does one work on co-dependent issues when you have kids together.  I do everything I can to alliviate the pressures for DW... . housework,chores, cooking, shopping, laundry, etc.  DW does nothing because she feels that due to me being off for the summer, teacher, she shouldn't have to do anything.  I know this is not helping or working but if I bring up/push the issue.  Nothing gets done and the kids kind of get stuck in the middle.  Any thoughts/suggestions?

Hi there,

I am confounded by her logic, or lack thereof, so if you work all year except the summer then you have to do everything over the summer? When do you get a break? Umm, so back to your question... .

I would say a boundary would be in order.  You could say I will do x, y and z but I will no longer do a, b, and c, too.  That's your job.  No she won't like it, but it just doesn't seem even close to fair any other way.  As far as how kids are stuck in the middle, I wonder what you mean?  By the argument, or by not having clean clothes or clean dishes for meals?  Of course, if she refuses to wash clothes and that includes the kid's clothes, well that you would need to do for their sakes. You could, however, refuse to wash hers.  Of course you can't make her do anything, but you can decide what you will do and what you won't do and stick to it.

I don't know if that helps, but yep it stinks to know that if you don't do it there will be hell to pay and/ or it won't get done. 

This sucks, bruceli, you need some vacation too. 

I agree with 4now, are there tasks which can be undone with out the kids suffering?

Can you do some the things with your kids, as something which is fun to do together? How old are they btw?

I have kids myself. I just have them do some of the work to take some of the task off of me. I figure they need to learn this work at some point in their life. My BPD has left me, and thankfully I'm not married to her. I would rate myself a 10 as far as co-dependency issues. Like 4now suggest pick chores that benefit the kids and yourself. I don't know enough about this illness to say if it gets better or not, I just know. I could not continue living in that type of environment for very long myself. Not after what I've gone through. Good luck to you. 

Dang, Bruceli, it's the BPD gift that keeps on giving... .

So familiar!  My partner disputes that I do at least 85% of financing, housework, kid duties, exterior house maintenance, etc., even when confronted with a list comparing what i do to what she does (home computer, laundry).   I worry that I'm modeling very codependent behavior for my kids, but how else to ensure that I have the kind of home i want?  (i.e., clean, organized and well-maintained).  Doing nothing is not an option, and she claims health issues preclude her from doing many of the various chores.