BPDFamily.com

Our relationship is terrible. He is always silent to me, but now he does not  talk already 2 weeks at all. He only orders me something and even does not see problems. I offered him to see therapist a few times. But he said,"It will not help, you will never change". He sees that everything is my fault. I am thinking now. What can make him to seek for help? I am already ready to leave, but still have hope. What can help us?

Hi Myrna  *welcome*

First of all, we can't really make anyone do anything. So the chances of him going into therapy because you demand it are slim. Here's a helpful link:

Helping a loved one with BPD seek treatment (https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy)

These relationships are unstable by nature, our loved ones are often delusional with little or no insight into the disorder, and the burden lays on us to calm things down. It may seem unfair, but that's just the way it is. If your partner has BPD he has a mental illness. So it's for you to buckle down and learn ways to manage it. The good news is that it is possible to change the daily tensions, the aggression and the silent treatments. A good place to start is to read this:

Before You Can Make Things Better, You have To Stop Making Things Worse (https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/fuzzetti.pdf)

There is hope 

The short answer to your question is "you don't, that's how."  That said, this board is in the help business.  Follow the links Scarlet Phoenix has provided. 

Also, you've made clear English isn't your first language.  Perhaps taking advantage of therapy, preferably in your native language can help.  Are there community resources in your language in your neck of the woods?  Perhaps that can help.

Hi Maryna!

i'd like to share one of my favorite things my therapist ever told me: "True hope can only be about things YOU can do, steps YOU can take. Otherwise it's simply wishful or magical thinking."

In other words, What THEY said! The only person you can make changes to is yourself and how you react/respond in the different situations.

I've learned so much already being on this site, keep reading and things will begin to make more and more sense. :)

you cant make him do anything, plus you will "want" him to want to do this on his own, you can beg and plead but don't force him. Maybe talk calmly about how you feel, and see how he responds.

 *welcome*

I'm sorry you are struggling in your relationship.  I spent about a 18 months trying to figure out ways to get my wife into therapy, any kind of therapy.  I asked.  I offerred. I begged and pleaded.  I demanded.  I made ultimatums.  I tried to "disguise" the therapy as grief counselling (her father had just died), marriage counselling (we needed it anyway), individual counselling.  Nothing worked.

Eventually, I scheduled an appointment with a therapist and told my wife the time and place and asked her if she would join me there.  She said no, so I went by myself and worked on myself and my issues off an on for about 2 years.  It was a very positive experience and helped change my life.  My wife has still never gone to any therapist of any kind and probably never will. 

I know things are raw for you right now and the "hope" seems to be that maybe he will change or get help.  Most of us come her hoping to "help" our partners change.  But, the truth is we can only change ourselves.  And, believe it or not, there are changes you can make, right away, that will help you and give you real hope.  Hope for getting back in control of your own life.  Keep posting here, reading, and learning.  Our Lessons are a great place to start!

Hi Maryna,

Welcome here.  Is he diagnosed?  Whether or not he is, the principles for treatment is that the pwBPD has to think they need help and seek for treatment.  Otherwise, they could go through a DBT programme and still blow up all the time.

If he's still everything is your fault, like my undiagnosed H, he will unlikely accept any form of treatment, and may even think you're using this means to control him.  Scarlet Phoenix has given you some great links; check them out.

Hope to see you around and take care.

   *welcome*

every one is right, my husband and i went but not because he wanted to he went due to we had many issues all my fault of course, so we were going to solve my problems.

this is where i found out he had a personality disorder and i had to learn the tools and skills, i learned to take care of me. i had to learn communication.

i am still married 15 years later and he is still undiagnoised. if you stay in a relationship learn all you can and apply all you can.  only way to survive is to take care of you ... .