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I have been a little down the last few days. I finally started to look closer at my behavior in the dysfunction r/s with my ex. It is sure a lot easier to take her inventory and tell the stories of her wrong doing towards me.

I got a little stuck looking at my stuff - remorse, guilt and even shame. My negative voice started to tell me that I was a bad man and wasn't able to change. I got tired of that and decided to write out my progress following the end of the r/s 9 months ago. I have done a lot of hard work and I deserve to congratulate my self.

- even before the end I had made two appointments with counselors - something in me was waking up to the fact that my GF had some serious mental health problems and that I couldn't fix them and that my rescuing was causing ME problems. I canceled both when the r/s took a temporary upswing.

- I engaged with one of these counselors immediately after the breakup - I knew I needed professional help. My friends had been telling me I was in an abusive r/s (emotionally and financially) but I didn't want to believe it (denial). The T validated this - I needed to hear that from an authority/expert. I questioned reality and my own sanity (gaslighted).

- I have read at least a dozen books: notable The Betrayal Bond (Carnes),  Beyond Victim Consciousness (Forrest), From Wild Man to Wise Man (Rohr), Codependent No More (Beattie), Journey from Abandonment to Healing (Anderson), How to be an Adult in Relationships (Richo) and several more, I highly recommend these books.

- I have remained clean and sober, took my 4 year chip in Nov. Continued my service work with sponsees and speaker meetings

- I did an intensive 3 day workshop in love and sex addiction and continue to work on that

- I entered ACA and CoDA fellowships– I do at least one tele meeting a day and one f2f a week. These are new fellowships for me – stage II recovery.

- Did several visits/retreats to a Franciscan monastery. Really healing.

- I produced a mid sized music fest – better than the year before and continued my leadership of a non-profit museum. It was hard to get started because of the depressed state I was in. I did 6 months of work in three – it was a bit of a miracle I pulled it off.

- I continued counseling with two T’s and started to work on some core issues. Geeze … I have narcissistic, borderline and histrionic traits (but not full blown PD’s). Also have PTSD and generalized anxiety disorder.

- So much of my stuff comes from childhood abandonment issues – dad was a traveling salesman and mom would threaten to leave me as punishment (only child).

- Now looking at schemas and doing a 4th and 5th step in ACA (a thorough and blameless inventory of my parents).


Wow! Writing that out was an eye opener. I have done a lot of good, deep and hard work.

The r/s dam near killed me (like a meteor id to the dinosaurs) but it has sparked a new dramatic step in my evolution into consciousness and love. I can be grateful to the ex. Thank you wherever you are. You came into my life for a reason but just a season.

Note to self: Good work buddy! Keep it up.

Note to nolisan: fantastic work, keep it up!   

Your post moved me, thank you for sharing.  You have a lot to be proud of.

heart

Dude, you have been busy!

All great stuff... . well done.  I am inspired to also take such an inventory... . and encouraged by your progress.