BPDFamily.com

Last week I met one of my good friends, and shared my experience with exbf (uBPD) with him.

Just looking to vent and buy some comfort, i recounted all the incidents and my r/s with my exbf uBPD - his take on it "Was he an Aquarius Man?" I said "Yes". He said "That's how they are. It's their hallmark behavior and trait".

He took me through books and online resources - Yes they did match greatly. But i feel ridiculed!

I am talking about scientifical/medical pathologies and where he is driving the analogies of it to 'astrology'?

My exbf was not diagnosed - and i usually question my own conclusion. But this?

I wish world was a simpler place to live in and i wish i could simply ask my exbf to get himself diagnosed or probably i need a shrink more than ever!

Be prepared for more of the same if you share your story with others. It was only my best friend who "got it" regarding BPD, and that is because he heard me out for a almost a year, listened to my son's experiences, and did research on his own.

For your own sanity, abbreviate your break up story to something simple (i.e. we weren't compatible) and leave it at that. It saved me a lot of headache!

Try not to feel bad about the opinions of others.

My undiagnosed ex was a Cancerian. Cancer's are filled to the brim with emotion but I sure as hell can't blame his toxic behavior on astrology. lol

Personality Disorders such as Narcissism, Borderline and Histrionic are not a part of mainstream conversation. Most people will not comprehend the complexities of mental illness unless they've experienced it in their families or have been romantically burned in the toxic dance.

Most people are simply comfortable with the "crazy" label and leave it at that.

They don't understand the toxic dance of caretakers/enablers/ codependents/ approval addicts and people who are neurotic, shame filled, entitled and lack empathy.

This is why most don't understand our deep pain and hurt.

They don't understand. Not cause they don't want to. But in most cases because they cannot relate.

My sister thinks I was "dickmatized". Yep. Her exact words and explanation for my heartbreak. My best friend thought the relationship was "passion filled" and was actually envious of my BPD's controlling and jealous ways.

Occasionally you will meet the person who really believes that mental illness is a crock of dog ___ excuses to be insensitive jerks.

But mental illness is realer than real.

Spell

Hey S2T,  Agree w/Walrus & Spell: most people don't get it when it comes to BPD because it is so far beyond what they have experienced in a relationship.  So I suggest you give your good friend a pass and chalk it up to his unfamiliarity with the symptoms of the disorder.  I have used a similar shorthand to that of Walrus by telling people that "we weren't a good match"!  Hang in there, Lucky Jim

Just adding my agreement to the other comments here.  As I reflect on my own experience, I was living in the midst of BPD hell and even then I would not have "gotten it" if someone else had told me their story with the knowledge of BPD.  In other words, my perspectives and those of others on this site are hard earned from painful experience and a lot of research and reflection.  It is no wonder that others do not respond with understanding.

All of this being said, I would also have felt quite invalidated and frustrated with such a conversation as you had with your friend.  We would hope to receive more compassion and understanding from friends... . even if their knowledge is lacking.

Unless they've been in your shoes and walked your journey, they will never know truly what you went through. Some people relate to astrology, some thru religion,  others relate thru scientific pyschological means. Most of the people that I confided in pretty much had all the same response... . anger that I was hurt and sadness that I had gone thru such an experience. My one friend suggested stones to carry to help with positive energy. My other friend suggested prayer. My other friend who is married to someone bipolar suggested that I learn more about BPD.

I wasn't offended by any of their advice as I was just looking to vent. But it just goes to show that there are few people out there with knowledge of BPD and the struggle you and your BPD loved one goes thru. It's not their fault. If one of my friends had come to me before I knew of BPD I'd probably react the same way and wouldn't understand the magnitude.

I'm sure your friend was giving their sincere advice. Look at this as an opportunity to share your knowledge of BPD so that more people become aware.

Stop2Think - absolutely no one knows your relationship like you do and others can only speculate.

You may been after validation that yes he is in fact BPD - I simply stopped telling others about my relationship - no one gets it. And when I really thought about it - I didn't get BPD let alone others.

Forget the label and think about the beahviors - that is what matters.

Can you speak with a therapist about BPD and your experience? - common folk just won't understand.

About a year ago my BPD ex started acting out more via rage and other bizarre behavior. I mentioned this to a friend of mine that two days prior had spent several hours with her working on her car, swapping tires etc. My friend, we're not super close or anything but still, my friend said I spent 4 hours with herand she is the nicest sweetest girl that I have ever met and that clearly there must be something wrong with me!

Fast forward about 7 months when she showed up at an event that he was at and stalked me all day... . lol... . He is now my biggest ally as he and at least a half a dozen of my friends now call her a stalker .

He apologized to me and I told him , no biggie... . She fooled me for quite a while too.