BPDFamily.com

In another post, waverider linked JADEing to a lack of self confidence.  That made sense to me.  Many of my uBPDh's comments are out in left field and completely without merit, so it's easy to dismiss them without JADEing or getting offended.  But I'm finding it impossible to have self confidence about EVERYTHING.  For example, I'm a working mother, so I tend to feel like I'm not spending enough time with my kids or that I'm not bonded enough with them.  My H stays home with the kids and has said before that his identity is "stay at home dad."  So when it comes to decisions about the kids, he says I'm too unemotional and cold if I can make a decision without going through an emotional crisis for a few hours first.  He says the reason he feels so emotional is because he stays home with them and is more bonded with them. 

For example, our D2 just got into the preschool we've been trying to get her into for months.  They let us know this morning.  We need to take the spot immediately or it will be gone.  We've known this was going to happen for months, so I've gotten accustomed to the idea and I know it will be good for her to be around other kids and have a learning experience.  It's only part-time three days/week.  It will also give H the opportunity to work a little, which will help his self esteem and our wallets.  I hear this news, am excited, want to take the spot right away.  H can't make the decision to snatch up the spot, goes into an emotional tizzy about how he's more bonded with her than I am, so of course, this is harder for him.  Accuses me of being cold.  Making decisions about our children as if I'm in a board room.  Says the reason he's so emotional is because I don't tell him enough what a good dad he is.   

I don't JADE, but I can't bring myself to validate either.  And I certainly don't want to tell him right now what a good dad he is!     So things went south pretty quick.  He hates making decisions with me.  He thinks our future together is bleak.  There is nothing to look forward to.  We don't see eye to eye on anything.  Etc.  Etc.  Etc.

So how do I not take it personally on issues where I DON'T have self confidence? 

  Daylily

Daylily,

Hi! You have given me several good responses, so I thought I'd try and give you one!  I think the fact that you were able to make a clear decision shows you have a logical mind at work.  You'd already thought it through and knew it was coming and it was the right thing to do.  Him being indecisive doesn't show that he is more bonded to your daughter.  It shows he is indecisive.  Good for you that you didn't get down in the mud and roll around in it with him. Would it have made things better for you both to be indecisive about it?  No, someone needs to be the leader!

As far as him feeling emotional because you don't tell him enough how good a dad he is shows he is feeling insecure.  Perhaps his identity as stay at home dad is being threatened.  Maybe he doesn't want the change, which would probably actually be better for everyone.  Validation, I know it would be hard after feeling insulted by him, would probably be in order.  And that's where I would get caught up, too. 

A lot of times it is hard to not take things personally when they are so personal.  I guess when I have the mind to do it, I try and cut myself some slack.  I say to myself, yes that's an area I am sensitive about, but I am not perfect and shouldn't judge myself so harshly.  Sometimes I can let things go easily, sometimes not.  I will also try and think of a way to make improvement in that area and take a small step in that direction.  I also keep in mind the source of any comments and keep it in perspective.  I think you are giving your daughter a great example as being a working Mom.  That's one thing I wish I was doing--but I'm getting there!


4Now

I guess a way to do it is to radically accept yourself?  It's not easy to assert things when even we are in doubt of it, and especially so when we know what happens when we make a "wrong" decision... .

But we have to accept that sometimes we do things wrong, sometimes we make bad decisions, because we're human.  We have to accept that there are certain things we want and prefer.  Even if we don't get them in the end, we are allowed to voice out what we prefer.  

I know this in my heart but I have a hard time practising it too... .

All you can do is believe that you are making a good and reasonable choice.

That and don't expect him to agree with you, and don't let that make you doubt yourself just because he is disordered.

I wish it was as easy as just typing it. 

Also on the pragmatic side... . would it reassure him if you pointed out that it wouldn't be very hard to take D2 back out of preschool?