BPDFamily.com

Normally, I post on the staying board, which is where I really like to be, but I thought this might be more suited to the undecided board.

I was curious if any of you have seen, developed for yourself, or otherwise have insight about making a checklist and inventory of your relationship.  

I find myself being very torn sometimes and I think right now I am totally unable to see things clearly.  My thought was what about making an inventory of the relationship as it is now.  Looking at what is good, what's okay, and what totally stinks and needs to change.  Then looking at what I can do about all of it and what is up to my uBPD to change (if he will).  

I am wanting some objective way to look at the rs and see what is going on.  If it's my own personal unhappiness that is clouding my judgement, if it really is the rs, or what's what.  I am hoping this can be on-going and a year or so down the road I can look back over it and see if progress has been made, if my rs goals have been met or are in progress, etc. I may use this as a tool down the road to help myself move on from the rs or I may see things aren't so bad. 


I hope this makes sense.  I wonder if any of you have ever done such a thing and how it worked out?

I have been working on my personal "Bill of Emotional Rights".  They reflect my core values of the way that I feel that a human being should be treated.  The trick to these, is the response and consequence aspect of when someone may violate one.  I will type a few and you can kinda google what I mean from there... .

1. I have the right to have my own feelings, values, opinions, and thoughts.

2. I have the right not to be criticized, judged, accused, invalidated, or interrupted.

3. I have the right to own my own feelings, and take resposibility for them.

4. I have the right NOT to take ownership of other people's feelings and their responsibilities, obligations, or consequences.

5. I have the right not to have to justify my feelings, opinions, and behaviors.

6. I have the right to validate my own feelings, even if others disagree.

First violation: Ask for rephrase - calm response - "That statement sounded as if it was asking me to take the responsibility of your actions, would you mind rephrasing that?

2nd Violation:  "I still do not feel like you are trying to accept my right as a human being to have my own feelings, it might be a good time for a break from this conversation." (meaning leave the house for 15min to 1 hr)

Well this may not be the exact measuring stick you were looking for, but if you can get a grasp on your core values or emotional boundaries, as I think I have done with the "Emotional Bill of Rights", I think you will know real soon how much progress you have made. May even want to ask the other what she feels might belong on that Bill of Rights ... . for that matter can both sign and agree to it.  Best of luck.

4now - I see it as a positive thing if it helps you. It would be a good idea to balance it out with things you could also improve on. If you are normally on Staying then you may well know that we can contribute to the dysfunction - we can only change us!

What maybe helpful is to think of deal breakers as well as things you are willing to work with and can.

Hi 4now,

Thanks for your post, I am kind of trying to do this at present myself. Asking myself what future there is, (realistically), how much longer (and if) I can hang in there waiting, hoping etc and trying to always be patient, loving, understanding, when NONE or virtually none of my own needs are being met.

Like touch, for example. Cuddling, emotional intimacy etc. Someone to do things with that are enjoyable and interesting and pleasurable, no matter how much money you do or don't have, or whatever.

The way I see it, I could be happy spending time with him in a cave if he could be loving to me, I could move mountains just for that love, and have done, but it just hurts so much to realise the real truth of the matter. That great love I know of spiritually, just will never be forthcoming from this man, he can't love me, until he accepts he needs to get help to feel good again, and changing his life circumstances won't change much at all. Running away from problems means 'everywhere you go, there you are'.

This has always been his motto, like a rolling stone that never gathers moss, just move to the next state, person, whatever, and things will be good again.

BP always has/had an excuse to ruin almost every single moment we ever had together, and then blame my life circumstances for it. I was manipulated into believing it was all my fault for the way he acted towards me, (or someone else's fault). I do have to validate the things that happened that made things harder for us as a couple, but the fact that he took it out on me, I don't have to validate that, and I won't validate it now.

An inventory of what I get out of the relationship as it is, what totally stinks about it, what I can change, (and am in control of in my own life), what I am capable of doing, what is realistic, and of course, what BP needs to do for himself.

At present, I have only seen him once since the 10/6 this year, neither experiences were great for me, assault, verbal abuse, property damages, threats etc.

There is always an excuse, and there is always a justification, yet BP sees himself as having always been totally committed to me. At present, we only talk on the phone each day. I have expressed that I would like to spend time with him, but I do not believe he really wants to spend time with me, because of the way he behaves around me.

Further to my last post

It's like he doesn't want me himself, has little feelings left for me, (I think of all the things he has said in the last month, and how many were repeated) but he doesn't want to let me go either.

I have tried lately several times, telling him not to ring me anymore, if like he says we 'aren't together anymore', and we don't spend any time together etc. But when I try and spend time with him, he ruins it, because of his parents starving him, or his car is not running well, or because he is broke etc, or because he feels like crap about himself, there is always an excuse for him to act like a complete **** to me whenever I make the effort to be with him.

Yet on the days he has money, and might be able to retain a sense of pride about doing some little thing with me for a day, he doesn't want to anyway.

He talks about this 'future' we have, where by we need to get a place of our own, and have our own privacy for once, since we met, but the reality is, we had plenty of that at my place, and he still ruined it anyway.

There was a time when there was just him and I here, my daughter had moved out for a while, and so had my son, (because they couldn't stand to see how BP was treating me) if anything, his behaviour got worse when there were no witnesses here. I had to work, (if I wasn't he certainly wouldn't be, so who would have paid for our food and rent?), yet I got told that my job was more 'important' than he was to me. I was also constantly accused of having affairs with any male employers, or any males in my workplace that I would see regularly each day.

If that wasn't enough, then it would be the man at the shop down the road, who always 'flirts' with me and BP followed him home one day, to see where he lived!

It didn't matter that I said the guy is flirty with all the women who shop there, more the fact that he is just a chatty friendly type of bloke, and that is all there is to it.

Hi all!

Some years ago I read about the so called 80:20 rule. Btw the rule is used to describe many phenomena, not only in psychology etc.

The statement was, as far as I recall: if you analyze, describe the state of your RS it should at least be  a ratio of 20% bad days and 80% good times. When speaking of your SO it should be at least 80% of things, aspects about the person you consider good, find it great, to not more than 20% of troublesome aspects, issues.

The rule was described as a rough assessment for "normal" relationships. In my opinion it does not fit in every time- e.g. the bad days with a BPD can be so devastating and his / her actions so drastic, that counting the bad days or weeks just does not reflect the real situation and the damage done... . It's just a kind of artificial approach.

Never the less - I decided to take this rule as a boundary. I try to not forget that RS can be difficult with nons as well. There are still things I won't accept like violence, cheating, sleep deprivation.

On the other hand I have to admit that I have given in in some aspects. For example I understand that I cannot force my BPDW to end the silent treatment in a certain moment. I learned some tricks how to avoid suffering bc of it and how to spoil her "pleasure" during it, it's not what it used to be  :)

So, my checklist is in a way temporary-- I try to adopt and to achieve a better RS at the same time.

Sile