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Would like to start going to al-anon meetings but know if DW finds out it will be ON!  Any suggestions on how to go about/handle this one?

You just go... . no way to stop someone from getting dysregulated... . so u just go.

  she doesn't want you to tell her she has a problem or you are going due to her. maybe she will be curious and go with you, and to her own meetings.

My husband is a 25 year recovered alcoholic and i went to alanon meetings i think they are great best they teach you about a 12 step program of your own and how to deal with your spouce,  you learn tools like you are learning here... . i think alanon is great so just go let her be mad. can't walk on eggshells.  

these meetings are to *better* yourself, they are positive re inforcements and being / talking with other with similiar issues, its a healing thing... . there is nothing wrong with that! and if your DW has issues with it, then so be it, maybe she is afraid you will start

recognizing some of her traits and then abandon her?

She already feels that and has talked about that already for other reasons.  It is more so that she does not want me discussing her/our issues with others because it's me with them not her... . of course. 

You can't stop her from raging.

You can remove yourself from the rages and protect yourself from the effects on you.

I know that when I let those sort of fears control my actions I didn't like who I was becoming very much. I'm a much happier when I do what fits my needs and my values, and acknowledge that some of the things I fear will probably happen, and I will survive them anyway.

My advice is go to the meetings for yourself, telling your W as little as possible about them. I personally wouldn't lie or sneak around, but I wouldn't draw attention to it either.

Good advice thank you

When I started attending Ala non, I told my H that I was going to a meeting at the church which was true.  It took me about 2 months before I told him specifically what the meetings actually were.  He immediately blew up, but now accepts that I attend Ala non even though he doesn't have a "problem"

You can just drop in. Depending where you are there may be a different number of groups you could attend. You could go to any, and only go when it suits.

You dont have to go every week. Some people have been dropping in occasionally for many years. There is no course or ongoing structure. Just try one at and see how it goes.

They are good for learning to separate your stuff and their stuff and not being sucked into the madness. If you are not religious you can let all the faith in God business float past you if you like.

It is good to meet others face to face rather than just online.

Hey bruceli did you get to a meeting?

I've been in your shoes, having an alcoholic partner, several in my lifetime actually. One of the most important lessons I learned was it is impairative that you not hide addiction for a partner. (Her not wanting you to talk about her) being open can be a deterant for drinking. 

No, I havn't went yet... .

Can I ask why?  It was your idea.  :)

This is very interesting to me, i need to take that first step and go, it scares the hell out of me thinking of my SO reaction, she will totally flip out. She read somewhere in an obituary that the person who died attended AA meetings, so she is convinced that they take down your personal information at the Al-non meetings.

For those of you who have attended these meetings, how do you intially  bring the subject up with your SO. How do you phrase it so they don't think you are blaming them or labelling them.

I even told her in the past that i would go to a meeting out of town just so nobody would recognize me from the city that i live in. She of course jumped to the conclusion that i must be having an affair or going to the meeting to try and hook up with women. She has 3 reasons to counter any benefit that i might be trying to get from them, i just need a place to start from.

Thank you

What you are saying here is that you will be uncomfortable with someone else's reaction to you making a decision for you correct? I understand this fear. I've been there. As a codependent myself, I'm not saying you are, I realized I controlled other people (kept them calm) with my behavior. Kept the peace. What this resulted in was nothing changed. I enabled their behavior by being passive, though make no mistake it was controlling behavior. I controlled my environment, since I was uncomfortable or scared of someone else's "blowing up", by abiding by someone else's "rules". No matter how irrational they were, I kept me ok.


Al anon is a word taken from two words, Al for alcoholics and anon for anonymous. This is an anonymous group. In fact they prefer you don't share who you are, except your first name. This brings a level of safety to the group so that everyone can share openly. Just like bpdfamily.


These meetings are for you. For your growth. To better understand you can't change someone else, it's more about acceptance of that. Acceptance is the road to serenity. That you have no power over someone else's drinking problem though you do have control over you and your mental health. You may run into someone else taking you making decisions for your mental health personally. You can't control this. You can't control someone else "losing it" over a decision for yourself, you can only chose how you react to it.


The choice to better yourself takes courage. You can't control what someone else is going to think. There may be many reasons from someone else to counter a decision that will better you. Bettering you can benefit your relationship. Are you keeping someone else's alcoholism secret or quiet? Reaching out for support and bringing the truth to light helps to empower you to not be an enabler. It also can help as a deterant to the behavior. It's not about shunning someone, it's being honest about being ill equipped to handle it all on your own. It's a heavy load to carry alone and it doesn't belong to you. 

Unfortuntely to change anything whether it be coping with alcohol or BPD, one of the first things that will have to change is your fear of making obvious changes. ie Being afraid of their reactions to you doing what is right for you.

You cannot improve your lot by stealth. It will achieve nothing and you will trip yourself up and make it worse.

Extinction bursts caused by you enacting changes are unavoidable, so take a deep breath, pluck up your courage and do what is right for you and state clearly that this is about you, not them.

This fear of doing what is right for you is in itself a major symptom of your problems. You are putting their self serving perceptions against your own welfare.

You need to explain to your SO that info that is put in obituararies comes from the FAMILY member who wrote the obit up and submitted it the paper. Various orgns and employers do not submit info for obits.  It's not a free for all.  A family member writes it up and emails it in, and the newspaper prints it.  Often the newspaper charges for the obit.

Very likely the family member requested donations be made to AA because the person who died had been a member (and maybe a sponsor).  Again, that info would come from the family member, not from AA.

AA certainly does NOT take down info... . only first names are used... . no addresses... . no private info.  AA certainly does not call local newspapers to provide obit info because they don't know last names.   When my H went to AA, he didnt' even know his sponsor's last name... . and they talked EVERY day.

As for attending Al Anon, I have done so for the past year.  I'm not sure what you're asking.  No one has to say anything about their person if they don't want to.  However, if you do mention that you're there because of your SO, then you're stating that the person has a drinking problem... . which they do.  Are you in denial as well?  If you are, why are you thinking of going to Al Anon?  I'm not being harsh, I'm just putting the facts out there... . you are effectively labeling your SO an alcoholic if you're going to Al Anon because of that person.  Right?

In meetings there is a moderator who brings up a subject (or everyone takes turns reading a paragraph from the Blue Book... . but again, you can decline to speak/read).  If a subject is up for discussion, then they go around the room to give everyone a chance to contribute... . but only if they want to. 

As for blaming them... . well, it is a disease and Al Anon recognizes that, so you're not really "blaming them", but Al Anon stresses that YOU are not to blame.  You didn't cause it, you can't change it, you can't cure them.  That's their motto so to speak. 


"even told her in the past that i would go to a meeting out of town just so nobody would recognize me from the city that i live in. She of course jumped to the conclusion that i must be having an affair or going to the meeting to try and hook up with women"

Tell your SO that she's free to come with you to open meetings or she could just wait in the car... . so she'll know that you're not "meeting some woman".

Wish me luck, i am going to attend my first meeting next week, things have happend in my life and i need help, hopefully this will be the first step in my healing process

|iiii

Going to my first meeting was like taking a first chill pill. It wont change you overnight, but you will see the calm others are managing to achieve, even when telling their tales, look at how they are affected compared to the newer members who will be obviously far more agitated.

Dont script what you want to say, just say something and the rest will flow.

i just saw this thread. i've started attending AlAnon. my stbxw is an alcohol abuser (she used the work 'alcoholic' of herself), so it's a bit late for learning to cope with that (the 'stbx' part), but what i will need is lessons in personal examination, detachment, and handing things over to god, as i go through the divorce process. i also need the fellowship, and the people have been very welcoming, and that has been important considering the isolation i've been cast in since she bolted.

i'd love to hear others' experiences.