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Title: how do we help but protect ourselves? Post by: stymied on July 17, 2013, 03:16:58 PM For the past 11 years my sister has been displaying BPD behaviors, but things have gotten exponentially worse during the last few. Aside from actually attempting suicide, she meets every other criteria to the letter. She is defensive, vicious, and getting more and more abusive and out of control. Every spoken word and action taken is subject to intense scrutiny and misinterpretation as an act against her. Even though she is in complete denial that she has a role in her problems, and would never begin to contemplate a BPD label for herself, I am so afraid she will somehow stumble upon this site that I am hesitant to post any details about what has been going on for fear of her relentless retribution.
Our family is being torn to pieces and being held hostage emotionally. I am sickened every time my phone rings as we never know what to expect on the other line. I love her and I have tried to help support her as best I can, but it is never good enough and I never know when I am going to be faced with another vicious attack on my character, or have to hear about someone else she is compelled to crucify on any particular day. I feel like I am walking on the edge of a knife every time we are in contact, and I am tapped out. I want to run away, change my number and hide, but I know she is in pain and is suffering, and I can't do that to her. But she won't get any help and blames everyone else for what's wrong in her life. What do you do in a situation like this? With gratitude in advance for any insight you might provide. stymied Title: Re: how do we help but protect ourselves? Post by: Phoenix.Rising on July 17, 2013, 03:48:38 PM *welcome*
Hello stymied, I'm sorry you are having such a rough time with your sister. It can certainly be difficult and frustrating to deal with someone who we think might have BPD. I believe a family member of mine has the disorder as well as an ex I was very much in love with. It helped me to start reading as much about the disorder as I could to get a better understanding. I found relief in finding that I was not alone in what I was experiencing. This web forum has been invaluable to me. Here is a useful video on reducing conflict with your loved one: Video-Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD (https://bpdfamily.blogspot.com/2010/09/video-tools-to-reduce-conflict-with.html) And this article contains some helpful information: Supporting a Loved-one with Borderline Personality Disorder (https://bpdfamily.com/content/support-child-therapy) I worried, too, about posting specifics about my relationship with my ex and found that I do not have to be specific to get my feelings out and my point across. I was able to talk in general terms that were non-identifying to my specific situation for the most part. I would encourage you to do the same. It also helped me to start asking myself how I could take better care of myself. Phoenix.Rising Title: Re: how do we help but protect ourselves? Post by: stymied on July 17, 2013, 04:08:39 PM Bless you for your reply, phoenix rising.
I will certainly check out the resources you listed and do my best to get as much information under my belt as possible. I am a firm believer in the concept that 'knowledge is power'. Thank you, again. stymied Title: Re: how do we help but protect ourselves? Post by: Phoenix.Rising on July 17, 2013, 04:44:00 PM stymied,
Blessings back to you! When a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively everyone in the family system, including children, siblings, and in-laws. Senior members on the [L5] Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=7.0) board are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey. I encourage you to start posting on this board. You will find many others who understand and can help you. Best of luck. Phoenix.Rising Title: Re: how do we help but protect ourselves? Post by: stymied on July 18, 2013, 11:05:46 PM Thank you again, phoenix.rising.
I am doing the best I can to learn how to navigate my way through these shark infested waters, and I want to lead other family members to this site, but I am afraid to do even that. The last family member that gave our BPD sister a label of a different mental illness has been brutally punished for the past several months, with no end in sight. I am terrified that my defining her as BPD will bring the firestorm upon me, and I can't handle anymore. But I think we could all benefit from the information in this community. Maybe I will be able to buck up and not let my fear limit our access to help and support. I am also very concerned about her children and the impact this is having on them. Their dad is out of the picture, and I know they are being severely emotionally abused, but I am so afraid of her coming after me--even more intensely than the most fierce mother bear--if I tried to intervene. I honestly believe she would try to cause me great bodily harm if I were to notify the authorities. I want the situation to get better but it just seems to be getting worse and worse. :'( Thank you for letting me vent. I still find myself completely stymied , but hope to find a path through posting on this forum. With best wishes, stymied Title: Re: how do we help but protect ourselves? Post by: km1004 on July 19, 2013, 01:10:11 AM Hi Stymied
Reading your story brought tears to my eyes - I tell you, it almost made me wonder if we have the same sister. Like yours, my sister fits the BPD criteria to a T, apart from suicide attempts. She has never been terribly stable, however over the past ten years or so she has been on a rapid downward trajectory and no matter how I (and others) have tried to help her nothing has worked. Anyone who tries to suggest ways in which she could improve her life is punished in the way that you describe happened to your family member. It seems that I am her prime target for character assassination and blame for all her problems, however as in your case our whole family are her emotional hostages. She has a 2-year-old daughter whose welfare I am also very concerned about - thankfully the dad is still in the picture but their relationship is volatile. Being a relative newbie I don't have a lot of advice to offer sadly, though I would recommend seeking counselling if that is possible? With the help of my counsellor I have been able to accept the fact that I don't have the power to fix my sister, and also that I will not make her life any better by allowing myself to be dragged down with her. My main priority now is to stay in her life on some level in order that I can be there for my niece - all the stories I read on here about people's experiences with their BPD mothers is enough to show me that my niece almost certainly has a rocky road ahead of her. This forum has been invaluable to me so far and I'm sure it will be for you also - at the very least it's reassuring to know that we are not alone. Take care & keep us posted. K xx Title: Re: how do we help but protect ourselves? Post by: Phoenix.Rising on July 20, 2013, 05:45:43 PM I would again encourage you to start posting on [L5] Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=7.0) board. You should get several different perspectives and ways to deal with your particular situation. My sister is an active alcoholic and I, too, have been concerned for my niece on many occasions, and still am. If her situation gets too out of hand, my dad has made it clear that he will step in and contact CPS to get my niece out of harms way. Lately things seem to be a bit better, but it's been very up and down over the years. If you witness neglect or abuse of a child, you should certainly contact the authorities. It sounds like your sister has a lot of power over you. I understand your fear, but we cannot live in fear. You have ways of protecting yourself as well, if need be. Here are some more helpful articles: How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children (https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles8.htm) US: Dont let them control your life! (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=135876.0#top) I hope not, but if you do ever encounter a situation where her child is in danger, call the authorities immediately. Here are some tools to work with in domestic violence situations: TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Women (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61403.0) Phoenix.Rising Title: Re: how do we help but protect ourselves? Post by: stymied on July 29, 2013, 08:21:27 PM Dear Phoenix.rising & KM1004,
Thank you for your additional supportive responses. It's true, she does have power over me, and it is all grounded in super intense levels of fear and guilt. Like I said before, a huge part of me wants to just turn my back on the entire situation and bury my head in the sand, but I am worried about what might happen to her and her kids. She has isolated them and no one really knows what's happening in their home. KM--I feel your pain, really and truly. I am so sorry you are having to go through this, too. I am seeing a counselor and she is advising me to establish and maintain solid boundaries, express controlled compassion, but keep a very safe distance. I have another friend who is an MFT and he said I have to "kill her with empathy" and not engage when she is fishing for an adversarial interaction. If it weren't for the kids, I think it would be much easier for me to turn my back on the situation. But I love them and I am afraid for them. What is the definition of a child in danger? Is relentless emotional abuse and social isolation enough, or do there have to be visible bruises? I am afraid to call anyone because I fear she will figure out that it's me and come after me and my family. She is in so much pain, but has no ability to see her own role in what is going on, and no interest in seeking help. She just blames everyone else for her problems and systematically embarks on smear campaigns. I have shared my thoughts and feelings about many personal things with her over the years and I am terrified she will reveal things to the people that I love in order to hurt me. I also feel like if I come between her and her kids that she will physically harm me. I had a dream the other night that she attacked me and stabbed me in the chest with a chef's knife. The pathology is so profound, it is overwhelming for anyone that gets near her. And once anyone seems to get a sense that something isn't quite right, she manages to alienate them so they aren't able to get a clearer view of what's really going on. I am so sad and scared. stymied Title: Re: how do we help but protect ourselves? Post by: Phoenix.Rising on July 30, 2013, 12:25:54 PM Hi stymied,
I don't know the details of your situation, but if you sincerely believe a child is in danger, the next route is to contact CPS. I believe you can do this anonymously if that's what you prefer. You should be able to Google CPS with your state to get the contact info. If you are unsure as to whether the child is in danger, you might be able to ask them some anonymous questions to help you make a decision. Personally, I've never felt that physical abuse is the only sign of abuse. Certainly, emotional abuse can be just as, if not more so, severe. On a side not, I don't offer this often on this site, but if you are a spiritual person, some form of prayer or meditation might help as well. Good luck. Phoenix.Rising Title: Re: how do we help but protect ourselves? Post by: cleotokos on July 30, 2013, 04:22:18 PM Stymied, I'm so sorry for your situation.
As someone who grew up with a uBPD mother, my greatest wish is that somebody, anybody, had intervened. I know many people knew what was happening and just brushed it aside for whatever reason. That's very hard to deal with as an adult, trying not to feel like it wasn't because people didn't care. It sounds like this would be incredibly difficult in your situation. If you can't do it, maybe you can try to be a hero for your neice/nephew. Tell them that they are valued, that they are good people and that they are loved, make sure that they know they can count on you. I had someone do this for me and I know it made all the difference in the world. Title: Re: how do we help but protect ourselves? Post by: Pilate on July 30, 2013, 05:44:25 PM If you are wondering about child abuse or neglect, this is from a thread in the parenting after the split board. If you are in the US, you might be able to learn more about your county or state's protocol by going on state and county websites.
Excerpt I wanted to share this from the US Department of Health and Services: https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/signs.cfm Quote Recognizing Child Abuse The following signs may signal the presence of child abuse or neglect. The Child: -Shows sudden changes in behavior or school performance -Has not received help for physical or medical problems brought to the parents' attention -Has learning problems (or difficulty concentrating) that cannot be attributed to specific physical or psychological causes -Is always watchful, as though preparing for something bad to happen -Lacks adult supervision -Is overly compliant, passive, or withdrawn -Comes to school or other activities early, stays late, and does not want to go home The Parent: -Shows little concern for the child -Denies the existence of—or blames the child for—the child's problems in school or at home -Asks teachers or other caregivers to use harsh physical discipline if the child misbehaves -Sees the child as entirely bad, worthless, or burdensome -Demands a level of physical or academic performance the child cannot achieve -Looks primarily to the child for care, attention, and satisfaction of emotional needs The Parent and Child: -Rarely touch or look at each other -Consider their relationship entirely negative -State that they do not like each other Types of Abuse The following are some signs often associated with particular types of child abuse and neglect: physical abuse, neglect, sexual abuse, and emotional abuse. It is important to note, however, that these types of abuse are more typically found in combination than alone. A physically abused child, for example, is often emotionally abused as well, and a sexually abused child also may be neglected. Signs of Physical Abuse Consider the possibility of physical abuse when the child: -Has unexplained burns, bites, bruises, broken bones, or black eyes -Has fading bruises or other marks noticeable after an absence from school -Seems frightened of the parents and protests or cries when it is time to go home -Shrinks at the approach of adults -Reports injury by a parent or another adult caregiver Consider the possibility of physical abuse when the parent or other adult caregiver: -Offers conflicting, unconvincing, or no explanation for the child's injury -Describes the child as "evil," or in some other very negative way -Uses harsh physical discipline with the child -Has a history of abuse as a child Signs of Neglect Consider the possibility of neglect when the child: -Is frequently absent from school -Begs or steals food or money -Lacks needed medical or dental care, immunizations, or glasses -Is consistently dirty and has severe body odor -Lacks sufficient clothing for the weather -Abuses alcohol or other drugs -States that there is no one at home to provide care Consider the possibility of neglect when the parent or other adult caregiver: -Appears to be indifferent to the child -Seems apathetic or depressed -Behaves irrationally or in a bizarre manner -Is abusing alcohol or other drugs Signs of Sexual Abuse Consider the possibility of sexual abuse when the child: -Has difficulty walking or sitting -Suddenly refuses to change for gym or to participate in physical activities -Reports nightmares or bedwetting -Experiences a sudden change in appetite -Demonstrates bizarre, sophisticated, or unusual sexual knowledge or behavior -Becomes pregnant or contracts a venereal disease, particularly if under age 14 -Runs away -Reports sexual abuse by a parent or another adult caregiver Consider the possibility of sexual abuse when the parent or other adult caregiver: -Is unduly protective of the child or severely limits the child's contact with other children, especially of the opposite sex -Is secretive and isolated -Is jealous or controlling with family members Signs of Emotional Maltreatment Consider the possibility of emotional maltreatment when the child: -Shows extremes in behavior, such as overly compliant or demanding behavior, extreme passivity, or aggression -Is either inappropriately adult (parenting other children, for example) or inappropriately infantile (frequently rocking or head-banging, for example) -Is delayed in physical or emotional development -Has attempted suicide -Reports a lack of attachment to the parent Consider the possibility of emotional maltreatment when the parent or other adult caregiver: -Constantly blames, belittles, or berates the child -Is unconcerned about the child and refuses to consider offers of help for the child's problems -Overtly rejects the child Title: Re: how do we help but protect ourselves? Post by: stymied on July 31, 2013, 10:53:37 PM my sister's kids are now at my house. i feel like i am being stalked by the nazgul from the lord of the rings.
the phone calls, the texts, the ranting. i don't know what to do. :'( Title: Re: how do we help but protect ourselves? Post by: Phoenix.Rising on August 01, 2013, 11:28:30 AM You can be a positive example to her children! |iiii
Title: Re: how do we help but protect ourselves? Post by: stymied on August 01, 2013, 04:48:01 PM Thanks, phoenix.rising. I am hoping to be a positive force in their lives, but my fear is still in the foreground. It is summer, so it is easy for them to be with my family, and they want to stay with us. But I don't know how long they will be able to stay since it's only a few more weeks until the new school year begins. I guess we will take things one day at a time. After not responding to the last 15 text messages (each one getting progressively more and more toxic) I did respond to set a boundary today. I don't know how long it will hold but I will keep trying. I realize my responding green lights the behavior and I need to make it stop. I woke up at 4a.m. with heart palpitations and nausea--the anxiety from this is really doing a number on me. I believe a lot of what I am experiencing is PTSD because we were raised with a moderately BPD mother. Her dysfunction was nowhere near as bad as my undiagnosed BPD sister, but some of the reactions are bringing up a lot of feelings I haven't had since childhood. folie I have been in therapy on and off since my teens and have worked through a lot of this stuff, made peace with my relationship with BPDmom, and moved past it; but, the rage and outbursts are bringing up a lot of fear and feelings of loss of control that I haven't experienced in years. It really feels scary and I don't like it one bit. I am grateful to have found this venue. This has been a very long journey to have taken more or less alone, and it is so helpful to know that there are so many other folks who understand. I am filled with gratitude. stymied Title: Re: how do we help but protect ourselves? Post by: Phoenix.Rising on August 01, 2013, 05:12:58 PM stymied,
I'm proud of you for setting a boundary! It is tough work learning to take care of ourselves when we didn't have good role models. I believe my Mom has BPD, and my sister is diagnosed with Bipolar, but I sometimes notice some BPD traits in her. So, like you, it has been and still is difficult navigating a relationship with them. A few years back, I was letting my sister's actions really get to me, to the point of having major anxiety. I'm not sure how I did it, but I finally just started letting go and realizing that she is a grown woman and I have no control over her life. She makes her own decisions. She is not my responsibility. I just envisioned letting her go and trusting that my Higher Power would take over. I rarely feel anxiety over her now. The main reason I came to this website was because of my ex girlfriend, who I believe has BPD. That's when I began to have the realization about my Mom. So, I feel I understand a lot of where you are coming from. Recovery is not easy, but it's not impossible either. It will get better. Have you looked at the Lessons to the right -------> Phoenix.Rising |