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I'm so disappointed in myself... . Words can't describe the events over the past 24 hours and now the hell i'm in... . After 3 weeks of NC, my ex im'd me tuesday... . "hey"... . I quickly closed and walked away from my computer... . Yesterday I drafted an email apologizing for my part and told her I was working on myself and trying to heal... .   It was a nice email explaining exactly how I felt... . When I get home from work there's a response "get on skype now"... . Needless to say i've spent the last 24 hours on and off with her... . We talked about my mistake, she cried and said "you broke me","you were my one" etc... . I spent the next time honestly answering any question she had about the situation I caused... . I sat through it and was beaten down... . She told me she's reading a book on controlling and abusive relationships... . She's went on to say the book fits me perfect... . As i'm sitting there crying she tells me I lack empathy... . Why would i be sticking around if I didn't? We then get into how perfect she was to me and her new boyfriend... . They started dating the day we broke up but she was traveling to visit him before that... . She tells me how great the sex is and that its all okay because they didn't have it until "after the break up"... . Remind you this is a girl I slept with on our second date... . Did she not sleep with him while going to sty out of state to visit? Then come the pictures of them in each others arms from months ago (they just happened to be at the same bar and took a photo together)... . She lied about going to see him until I found a receipt and caught her... . Her story changed quickly but she went to the town he lives in 250 miles away and never saw him... . His home address is in her GPS because she wanted to see where he lived... . Per her she may have been talking to him had him over her apartment but never cheated... . She cries and seems so convincing... .

She had NC for two weeks before she moved abroad... . In that time she was with him constantly... . Now thats she's in Australia I get the message... . and like a dummy I give in... . She tells me 4 different versions of there relationship... . The final being she told him yesterday she couldn't be with him... . She says she was honest with him about us talking... . Really for over 5 hours? Does this guy now anything? As of this morning he's still in relationship status with her and posting cute remarks on her page... . After looking at her page she in close contact with two other guys I always wondered about... . One is a friend of mine... . She seems to be keeping her options open... . By the end of the conversation she drops the "buy a plane ticket to Australia now or we have no chance"... . I live in the states... . She tells me i can't guarantee i'll talk to you when you get here but we can see if there is anything left... .

A few things... . I know if I continue contact until December when she comes home she'll drop me for him asap... . She's lonely and knows i'll be there to talk to her... . thats her only use for me right now... . is she honest with anyone? I'm in so much pain and it's all up to me to stop it... . Reminds me of the end of my drinking... . Sitting there, crying with a bottle in my hand, knowing its going to kill me but not being able to stop... . She really is making me feel like i'm the crazy one... . I have never been referred to as controlling or abusive in my life... . Yes I do have my problems but work every day to grow and become a better man... . Need to be talked of the ledge   

You are torn, not broken. Many of us on here have been in same spot. I recycled with my exBPDgf about 7-8 times. Would be lonely, she would call or email or even stop by (I lived 200+ miles away... . so it was extreme) and rationalize getting back with her. Each time I minimized the bad and remembered the good and thought this time it will work, and each time it didn't.

She contacted me wanting me to move down to the area where she lives, to move in with my mom and help her out... . but not to do it for her sake, but we will see how it turn out. I just questioned her like I would an insurance salesman... . so you want me to sell my house, move away from my teenage daughter, move back in with my mother... . spend maybe 10 grand... . and you MIGHT see me? If you want me with you lets move in together, I will bring some of my stuff, it won't all fit, and we can work on my place and sell it together... . she gulped and suddenly was religious; That isn't a good example, I can't do that, and we argue and so on.

She wanted control of me and I made it crystal clear it was not going to be a master/slave r/s, it was partners, even or nothing... . and she balked and backed off of it. About a month later she twisted it all around and was telling me how I was trying to manipulate her.

All told I know my exBPDgf was married twice, had an annulment, 7 engagements, has had 2 STD's that she told me about, and slept with 2 guys I know of while we were together, and does not know how many guys she has dated or been with... . but she will get real deep and thoughtful and go on about how she has been considering becoming a NUN.

Hope springs eternal... . I kept imagining that she would change, that this time would be different, and pushing out of my mind any thoughts that she was the problem... . but she was the problem. Radical acceptance of reality is your best bet. You pine for her, have feelings for her, but her actions don't match those of a normal person who loves you. They are consistent with a pwBPD who is needy and doesn't want to be stuck without a bed in musical beds when the music stops. It took the ridiculous demands (like sell everything, come be with me... . and stay at your mom's) for me to finally take her off her pedestal and start questioning her like I would anyone else that had screwed me over.

I have been told all the sex was "after the breakup"... . and I told her to do it (go away... . to her is go away and have sex with anyone else you can)... . but thinking back... . she had sex with me when she was still with her boyfriend when I first met her, and she did when I was still married the next go round years later... . we want to believe we are different and special to them, and they say we are, but they say that to everyone... . the whole world is different and special and soul mates for them.

Its hard to man up when your heart is breaking... . but false hopes and believing manipulations will not rescue you, she will not or she already would have... . you need to accept her for who/what she is and decide if you want any part of that... . if not, then be polite and make her act decent toward you, and take part evenly is she wants an r/s.

I feel for you, really do.

scuba02

So sorry to hear this   

and I think I can relate very much with you feelings. It can be sometimes so hard to just say NO! For some of us like me it is so difficult to draw the line in the sand and say: STOP!

To take the example of drinking: What was it finally that you could stop it?

Scuba,

Don't be dissapointed in yourself, there's no reason, it's only proof you have feelings, but sometimes we have to listen to reason, when a situation has no future... .

Take that bottle away, it's not going to solve your problems !

Take a piece of paper instead.  Write down every negative thing about your relationship that you had to endure from her side.  Be honest with yourself on the matter.

Write down, the lies, the cheating, the mind playing games, her behaviour, her manipulative ways, the attracting and pushing away, everything.

If not convinced, write down everything you have had doubts about as the things you already mentioned in your post.

Then think again, do you want to get back in that same situation ever ?  For the rest of your live ?  Is it still a live in that way.  You know the answer.  It simply isn't.

Don't go standing on a ledge, it's not you, it's her, it's the borderline.  She can't help it, and she won't change.  Even with a therapists help, it will take years, she will have to be fully willing to want this of her own.  And she will never be the idealized person that you have made her... .

My ex tried the same things, went 'accidently' to the same places we did to show off, etc.

Do what I did, and so many of us did, make contact impossible, not for her, for you, because you deserve to be able to heal from the wounds from a toxic relationship.

I took another e-mail (she is convinced about this, but I did not) another mobile phone number, blocked her in every way possible on the internet.  I enjoy the silence now.

It is not easy, but it will get better, day by day, get out of the house, do something for yourself, you need it, and stop looking at things in black and white as they do, go out and enjoy the colors of life.  

There's life after a borderline relation, and it's a much better one, once you dare to be open to it.  Without any reasons for guilt, drop them, once you understand their behaviour, you know there's absolutely no reason for that.

Does it mean we didn't make mistakes, no, we did, but mostly due to their behaviour.  We are not perfect, we are human, but hell I'm glad to be human and not to have borderline, and to be able to grow emotionally every day.

So go out in this beautiful world and grow.  Take care of yourself as a start there's nothing selfish about that !

Hope this helps a bit, and know you are not alone, we've all been there and many still are, just as you.

Reg