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In the past few weeks, I've moved from "I have to find a way to make this work" to "Oh my... . she will NEVER change, am I up to the challenge of decades of future pain and exhaustion, or do I need to get out?"

I've started seeing a BPD knowledgeable therapist on my own. I've only been to two sessions with this new therapist, but my BPDw has "gone positive" as I call it :) She's suddenly more interested in listening (in theory), going to more regular counseling (working on scheduling as we speak), and "focusing on the joy in life" (good words, not sure they'll survive her next raging).

But she says she wants to go to counseling. This time around, I'm stating that I believe we need clear goals before we go in. But here's the thing: She's BPD. She's not going to change, ever. I understand that now. Counseling is about changing yourself, and she's mentally not capable of any lasting or significant change.

So... . what would I even suggest as our goals for counseling?

She suggested the first to, the others are my thoughts on what to add in (knowing change won't happen, maybe I can at least get to a place where there's some basic standards for behavior). Any feedback?



1. ":)evelopment of effective, caring conflict resolution skills, which includes better communication"

2. ":)eescalation in disagreements so that they are not so high drama"

3. Creating a shared definition/understanding of what "relationship" means to us both, what we should expect of each other in one

4. Defining each of our boundaries and learning how we each understand and respect, and stand up for our own in a positive way.

5. How to create more stability and less ambiguity in our relationship.

6. Seeing each other for who they are, not what we want or expect them to be

Sorry you are wrong

My bPDw took couselling with her DBT and has changed a lot!

My thoughts are  to not put goals in your T sessions, but I tend to "go with the flow" anyway. With BPD improvements can be slow with several setbacks so goals would be too dicouraging. Think of it as running a marathon with baby steps! how often do they sit down?

There is a light @ end of tunnel

CH, I don't see any issue with shared goals and its good you are talking about it. She seems to see that that the relationship is high conflict and its great you see your role in it too. We do play a role in making things worse or better.

Like you say they are words - and therapy will at least help with some tools to put them into action. When she does rage - don't engage - walk away.

Are you also continuing to see the therapist on your own?

DW couldn't wait to go also... . That was so she could let us know that this is the way she was and therefore it sucks to be us and that so long as she got what she wants when she wants it all will be good... . That was her first and last time.